Until Now…

Posted: October 30, 2009 in Flashback..
Tags: , , ,

UNTIL NOW is the recap of what I have tried and written. This is the last blog after which the flashback file would be clogged.

There are things that stay with me longer after I write about them. There are themes that I return to, because clearly, they haunt me.

I don’t know why, when my business ended, I expected that I would be averse to after affects of the business crash. Whatever scars that situation left me with, I did not disbelieve in being an entrepreneur, or think entrepreneurship was a great big pile of crap. Quite the opposite, actually. I came away from my business believing even more in real life, one that is social, true and honest. And yet, I did think that my life was too complicated – and I am too demanding a good friend. More than that, I felt very keenly the vulnerability of being someone who demands nothing less than money. What had it gotten me, really? I felt like I had some crappy choices: stick to my standards and perpetually feel vulnerable and slightly scared, or settle for something mediocre that at least wouldn’t rock the boat. I didn’t want either one.


There’s no room – not in me, not in my life – I told myself many, many times. And knowing what I knew – that I expect a business partner to be as committed and honest as I am, that I have a humorist behavior that many would view as baggage, that I have had to deal with the damage my business has wrecked on so many small parts of myself – it seemed obvious to me that no one would seriously want to take me on, and so it would just be smart to avoid situations that would affect me in any deep, meaningful way. I have not been willing to take the risk, to put in real effort, to open myself up. It just didn’t seem worth it. What’s more, I didn’t really believe there were any quality partners out there.
Ugh. I hate how weak it makes me feel to admit this, to not be able to deny that I want this. What’s more, to know that I can handle this, that I know I have what it takes to be a part of something good and fulfilling and sweet. As clearly as I’ve known that I would be okay on my own. And I keep hoping that I’ve been wrong, that I do deserve these kind of people, that I would be so lucky, that I would indeed know it and cherish it and bring someone else happiness with high returns.

That this is important now is directly related to that bomb that recently went off in my life. I haven’t had any real reason think about this issue, until now. I haven’t had any pressing need to care about this, until now. And while I certainly have given it thought, and I’ve had days where it bothered me more than it should have, it didn’t really matter. Until now.

Now, it matters. So much. And I care. So, so much. Everything’s changed. And I’m choosing to believe that I can have this and make it something beautiful. I’ve tried several times to smile and cover up the apprehension visible on my face but I usually fail, I cannot stand this sort of a peer pressure.

I have resolutionalised by life with spending less and saving more. I want to be like my dad, but needs and wants are two different pieces of rock, wants are quite difficult to accomplish. These are just dreams people think off.

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Comments
  1. Faisal Qureshi says:

    I’m waiting for a new file. I heard u’ve named it random moments:-p

  2. Abuzar says:

    Hi bro,
    I stumbled on to your blog by accident some time ago.Your blog from the 1st of Nov says to me that you have been unsuccessful in business?
    May i ask you what business did you start which did’nt go as planned?
    And i do’nt know you at all but just wondering if you have formal education or previous experience in business?
    Sincerely
    Abuzar Ghaffari

  3. i mailed it to you…stay in touch thru private messages

  4. Javed Hashmi says:

    Superlative post i must say, well i see people taunting, and especially those who themselves are unstable.

  5. Jo Hart says:

    A Wonderful Post 🙂

  6. Catherine says:

    A Wow piece of writing 🙂

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