Swinging Emotions…

Posted: November 12, 2009 in Random Moments...
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’ve been in a funny place these last couple of months. This new life of mine is very much my own, and I’m happy with it. There has been, among all the other more negative, sadder feelings, a deep sense of gratitude for whatever it is that’s allowed me to believe and feel and know that although my life did not pan out as I wanted it to, it is still a good one, and many wonderful things lie ahead for me.

Time and distance have done a lot in offering me a great deal of perspective: with my studies and – what it was and why it was that way, and my role in all of it – and on myself – who I’ve become and what I want out of myself and my life. And this is good; I’ve needed it.

But even as I feel more settled here, there are still things that feel like transitions, moments where I feel in-between two lives, and my mind sometimes pauses and catches that moment, a recognition that my old life is further and further from me and the resulting feeling is, most times, bittersweet.

I see now things I couldn’t see before and so many emotions that I carried with me for so long seem distant. Even the ending, the time when the life I knew imploded and those awful, awful months followed – the intensity is gone. There are quick flashes where I’m suddenly aware – wow, that’s not my life anymore; wow, what a crazy-ass year I’ve had; wow, 10 years down the drain and I’m in my TEE-age now – but they last nanoseconds, slipping from me before I can even touch them.

I think about the choices I have, when life changes so abruptly. When you get past that initial shock, that feeling of being punched square in the gut – you have choices. Do you hold on and insist that those moments were the one, and there will be never be another? Do you stay put; holding on to the memories, building a new life around a past that time has anyway altered? Do you allow the rage to take over and drive you to hurt people – intensely – till your own pain is satisfied? Do you push it all away and refuse to deal with any of it? Do you allow yourself to believe that after the darkness there will indeed be light, and it will be beautiful?

When the dust finally settled for me, there was one startling feeling, one thing that I still sometimes feel a jolt over if it crosses my mind: the life I’d chosen was not the life meant for me. It was not the thing that was right for me. That’s it right there: it was not right for me. And that was such a difficult thing to fully accept, to believe, because it was something I’d chosen and tried so hard to make it work, make it good. But considering that the business has ended, what else is there to believe? Clearly, I was wrong about the depth and strength I’d prescribed to that fantastic start that lead me to a dumb hole. And resisting against such a stark reality didn’t make much sense.

It was a hard thing to wrap my mind around, that I was wrong, and what I expected to be, to just be and stay, was not the thing, after all, that would last or sustain me. Or the place where I would stay. And I don’t mean this like in that immediate way – relationship’s gone bust, it’s over, gotta start over. I mean it in a much deeper way, touching on the things that brought me and my friends together and that made us stay together, and in a way that extends beyond those first months after the ending, the first year, and settles into you. It wasn’t just that we couldn’t make it work; it wasn’t just that shit happened and we ended. It was that – if it ended, and there was no reconciliation, and there was light and hope after all the pain and sadness – then that was just not for me. It wasn’t my destiny; it wasn’t the thing that would never let me go; it wasn’t the end of hope and beauty.
So whatever comes from here – it will be mine to fully embrace. I can walk into it openly and freely. I can let my pain and sadness have their space because they are now as much a part of me as anything else. And I can accept this new life, let its wonders move me – and I can dive right in. The group of friends usually revise down to a very few honest ones, and this is life. People usually are too mean to continue relations with or they usually fuck you hard at times.

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Comments
  1. Salman Ateeq says:

    Awesome man… i’ve printed all the blogs…reading them as i get time, its like a story book 🙂

  2. Mustafa Ghani says:

    excellant!!

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