UGH. I’ve been trying to write for a few hours, but I find that I’m just going on and on, veering off into these tangents that are only marginally related to what I really want to say, and I’m really just very frustrated and tired and unable to just say what I want to say. Its 5 hours remaining I’m desperately waiting to go out to beach with my friends. The week was tiring and has really ripped me apart. The semester is ending and the pressure is building day by day.

I had to delete what I had, figuring that starting over was better than the mess I had going on.

The thing is this: I feel all this pain over the back-and-forth that is my friend (Sameer’s) life. Far beyond my own pain, it’s him that I worry about. I see how sometimes he’s anxious and unsettled, and how he acts out because of it. And while 95% of the time he is happy and well-adjusted, it still hurts. I don’t want him to feel confused, or like he has to choose between his mom or dad, which is what I sense sometimes. However routine this has become, however civil his parents are in his presence, he’s still just twentyyears old and trying to figure it all out. And as he gets older, the questions are becoming more complex, with answers that people can’t fully explain and he can’t fully grasp.
Sameer Sameer
And yet, the alternative to this was worse. One of the things that hits me quite hard is feeling like this buddy of mine never stood a chance. Even if he had never had to know “mommy’s house” and “daddy’s house” and the back-and-forth, he still would have had it rough. A mom who was always pissy, and a dad who was always in a sour mood, and a mom and dad who couldn’t go too long without a fight. It was because of this, when his father made it clear that he was not in a place where he could really work on the marriage, and when he said enough to understand his true feelings, then his mom chose to end the marriage.

So this – these two homes, this back-and-forth – this is actually better. Sameer now gets to enjoy a mom who still might yell, but who is so much funner and more patient and relaxed, and less stressed (waaaaay less stressed) and overwhelmed. He has a home with his mom that is peaceful and simple, and where he seems completely comfortable.

But I think that lately, these feelings are coming up and affecting me because his life seems ever more normal, and pretty routine and overall content – and these things all clash with the back-and-forth, with the part of his life that will forever be fractured, and it feels so painful and unfair that it kills him. I don’t actually disagree with the back-and-forth; I fully support his dad’s right to be with him as much as his mom is. It’s really more about the effects of the back-and-forth, the way he’s here and then he’s not, and his constant wondering of what that must feel like for him; if, because he’s been doing it since he was fourteen, this is his own kind of normal, or if it’s confusing or sad or frustrating. Is he in limbo? Does he feel like he belongs anywhere, like any place is “home”?

And then I tell myself all these things that seem really rational, that support my general feeling that he is o.k. and this is o.k. and in the long-run he will not be all messed up and having awful relationships and spending half his life on the therapist’s couch. But the more I tell myself these things, the more I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not just lying to myself. I’m completely convinced that the alternative would have been worse; but what about the rest of it?.

His past has been awful and now I’ve heard he has landed to a rehab. When he came to know about the circumstances he was in, he started to attend gatherings who were a company of addicts, marijuana, nirvana, hard drinks and all that shitty stuff. This man who we called a complete nerd is now an addict. I fear he might hang himself one day if the rehab doesn’t work.
I’m scared of the fact that emotionally, I feel much calmer and more optimistic and healthier than I ever have, and that I won’t be able to reconcile that with this other part, the part where my friend has to pay some kind of price for all this. I can’t describe how much it sucks to realize (and to repeatedly confirm whenever things with his father get problematic) that this was the right decision, and yet the right decision has made a victim out of my friend. And yet, even without this decision, he would have been a victim anyway. I would try my best to take care of him, his parents who are too busy to stop their son is now being slowly poisoned. I wish he could read this blog and I’m pretty sure that once he’s out of the rehab I would make him read it, so he feels proud of himself

Love you man,

Yours,

Miqdad

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Comments
  1. Salman Ateeq says:

    hope everything gets well soon

  2. Murwana Abbas says:

    he;s keeping up well there… just a year more and he comes back to Karachi

  3. Shifa anees says:

    gem of a person. do mail him this blog 🙂

  4. Asim Jaleel says:

    Awesome man

  5. Thankyou…sure will mail him if i get his email id from somewhere

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