Unbridgeable Gaps…

I sit here in such a foul mood. I realize that just when you think you know someone, you find out you know crap!

I always thought I was a good judge of character and that I wouldn’t regret things that I went into head on. If I go into a situation with my eyes open, then that can I blame but myself? No one!!!

I try so hard to understand people, the way they think and the way their mind works, but I can’t. I’m the original dumb ass and I can’t. I know now I don’t know much about people and that they are basically liars and want nothing more than to reach out and hurt you, and use you. Maybe it’s just a bad day, maybe it’s just my imagination, but I don’t think it is. You can only believe what you see…..so they can shove it from now on.
Sometimes I look back and realize I just wasted an entire lifetime,

Sometimes things happen in life over which we have no control, absolutely none.  One of those things happened to me some time back and I’m sitting here, facing my computer with no idea of what I’m going to write till I read it myself.  My mind feels kind of numb, like it’s disconnected, like it doesn’t belong to me.  I feel as though I am looking over something which is happening to someone else, not me, yet deep down I am aware that what has happened has caused me to disconnect, from myself and from the family I belong to.

We were six, a family augmented with contentment; this is what you call a perfect family. Those days were a blast but gradually we started to separate, each one in search of his fortune and thus I’m left alone. My elder brother, a doc by profession is married and has settled in the UK, my elder sis is married too and has two beautiful angels, she has settled in the USA, then comes my younger sis who is happily married and has other two angels, she is a good house wife like my mom and resides here in Karachi. Thus I live alone with my parents thinking why I’m the youngest.

Family, I’m not referring to the immediate family but the relatives who run in a competition to reach out to your parents and tell them you smoke or you were out with a girl last night. WHY? These things usually draw gaps and thus I was never into my relatives. This may not be the exact reason but we were never closer, may be because I was always avoided or maybe I was never fit for their company.

Cutting, cruel remarks, aimed at me, which usually left me speechless, unable to figure out what I had done to justify it. People usually have a hell lot of problems with you and the things you do. They have problems with your results, the way you live, the way you socialize and unfortunately if you have a relative in your universities then god help you with the tales you have to face. Another nuisance, Face Book, a good networking site but it allows almost everyone to peep into your profile; your life is like an open book. If you apply restrictions still people get to know from somewhere or the other.

I look at my friends and their relatives, and I say they are far better than mine, they know how to be friends and how to keep secrets and not vomit everything they know. And I am a little a unfortunate in this sect of life. Why cant I be friends with my cousins? Is age the factor? But I do have friends who are double my age? But the gap has drawn huge and it would take time to lessen if we both try to.
As a Muslim, I am fully aware of the need to forgive and, believe me, it is something I do a lot of.  However, just for now I am finding it really difficult to do just that.  I did nothing wrong, I am sure of that, I was the victim of coming in between two forces who both feel as though they own part of me.  I am out of control, hurt, damaged and once again, part of my past has come back to haunt me.  It’s up to me now to fight back, to exile all thoughts of the past and to be firm in my resolve.  Sadly, I’m not nearly there yet.  Even sadness would be a blessed release to this. Believe me the funny side is a very life-size and effectual factor that helps you get over with the tension and depression. I hope people keep on loving me and trust starts to develop between friends, family and relatives.