A Dissimilar Characteristic…

Posted: November 23, 2009 in Random Moments...
Tags: , , , , ,

The last couple of weeks have held more excitement and general crappiness than I care for. I aim to live as simple and drama-free life as possible (which is seriously like the complete opposite of how I used to be), and so when shit happens, I feel the stress and tension very keenly and sink a few feet into depression. Not fun. Really, it’s not. Don’t try this at home.

As I work my way past some crap that’s recently transpired, I still have life to attend to; specifically, life with kids aging from 3-12 or the oldies aging from 50-60. They are the pillars of society residing in orphanages and old homes. Life with a 3-year-old who is himself going through his own transitions at the same time that he has to sort out all the shit and not living in the same house anymore. He is adjusting far better than I ever dreamed, but it’s nothing short of foolish to think he’s not struggling. Because he is, and I can see it.

And to say that it makes me ache in the most awful way is an understatement. I am so aware of him, his moods and behaviors, that when I see this thing in him that I can’t identify but which clearly indicates some kind of pain or confusion in him, it sends me into an emotional tailspin. How do I handle it? How can I comfort him? What do I have to do to make it better, and more, to keep the scarring to a minimum?

I am thankful that overall, this guy seems to be o.k. There has been no red flag, no one thing that stands out as a warning that this situation might be effing him up – and believe me, I have both eyes open for it. Still, I can’t help but wonder if even if he grows up with this as his *normal* – will there be any lashing out at his end? Will he be all out of sorts for years because life with me is, and will always be, different than life with his father and mother, even if we work together on making it a loving, healthy life? Will he come to resent and blame me?

Things have happened – things are happening – that fill me with questions as to how to help him be a well-adjusted, mentally and emotionally healthy person. Between regular growing pains and this period of adjustment, a lot can be gained, and a lot can be lost.

I just want to find the right balance.


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