Glimpsy Glimpse…

Posted: December 1, 2009 in Life & People
Tags: , , , , , ,

I’ve been thinking for a few days about the first post I have written (it’s really too depressing to even link to). Revisiting that post, and where I was right at that moment, I sincerely felt what I wrote. My grandfather had just passed away, and I was dealing with a lot of concentrated stuff regarding the business ending and all that. I knew that I had so much to be grateful for, but it was really hard to summon the gratitude, or to feel especially good about my blessings.

And in thinking about last year, what’s most obvious is how different this year is. I knew then I wouldn’t be in the same place this year. I knew the things I was feeling at that time would ease and retreat. I knew things would be better this year. This year has been one hell of it but I got things straight this year. My business ended and life is back on track… people have come closer.

And they are and I am grateful.

But I didn’t realize that the difference would be so great. I figured I’d be a bit better, but not so much so. “Course there was no way of accounting for anything that’s happened in the last year, not the focus I put into getting past things and recovering and taking concrete steps to making my life what I want it to be; and certainly not in the way things have developed for me, thoroughly speaking. For the last two years I have been creating a pool of shit for myself and this year I am trying to clean up the mess.

Looking at life right now – a child who is wonderful and handling everything so well, my own freak-outs aside; my family and friends all o.k., surviving through these hard times; my ability to better my situation by studying for a Bachelors degree, and to work at least part-time to make ends meet; and the wonderful, wonderful group of friends whose presence in my life means more than I could properly articulate – it’s easy, so very easy, to feel excited about this holiday season and to feel warm and good and all kinds of gooey things.

At the same time, I’m feeling gratitude for the darkness I went through. This feeling is not new to me. When I go through something stressful or painful, I usually end up feeling thankful that I survived the experience that I learned something that I grew, that I allowed myself to really feel and work through such tough emotions/consequences. Thanks to Shahmeer who made me feel I was wrong but the my story made him guilty, I don’t know why?

But what feels different this time around is that I’m grateful for the tough emotions themselves. I’m grateful for the sleepless nights, the silence, the feeling like I wanted the earth to swallow me up. I am grateful for the entire experience, because however awful it was, it brought me here. And *here* is a good place.

This year, the gratitude is very present in my heart. I hope the same is true for you. Here’s to a lovely holiday season for us all.

  1. asif says:

    great one man i never knew that the thought process going inside you is far greater than you express

  2. Altamash says:

    Quite straight forward… Like the way you write

  3. Shahmeer Magsi says:

    pretty expressive!! save some for later!

  4. Jo Hart says:

    A post worth reading 🙂

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