Disheartening Substance…

Posted: December 20, 2009 in Life & People
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I shouldn’t feel this is sad and emotional right now. I finally got through my final weeks of the semester and am confident that I did pretty well but so far the results are awful. Furthermore, I’m going to start working a few more hours, which will be a big help financially.

But two things are heavy on my mind, and right now – now when it’s quiet and everyone is asleep and I have a little while, my first while in three weeks, to think – it’s all just making me really sad and achy.

Mom started to get sick yesterday and woke up sicker this morning, and as the day’s progressed, I’ve seen her get sicker and quieter and more and more unlike herself.
These feelings grow more intense as night hits. I was up most of last night waiting, if mom needs anything, and tonight will be no different. This means I can barely function during the day, and coupled with the fact that all last week I went to bed between 2 and 3 AM, I’m a ball of exhaustion. Mom wants Dad by her side but I want to be there all the time.

And what this all means is that the later it gets, the worse I feel. In worrying about mom and what I would do if she gets really, really sick, I feel this giant pressure on my chest – this anxiety and loneliness that almost paralyzes me, because this almost feels too big for me. I’ve never yet failed in an emergency, but what if…? And days like today I realize all over again that it’s just her, dad and me, and I have to have the answers and the strength and the quick thinking… and all that just feels so fucking heavy and painful right now. I’m dying to talk to someone and vomit this shit out of myself. My siblings are blessing who are always there when I need them, and friends who force me out for dinner so I feel better.

On top of this is something I’ve been avoiding dealing with but don’t think I can anymore: my business. I love this crappy little place so much, but I really don’t think I can keep up with it anymore. And while I can make ends meet and am not destitute, Over the last week or so, it’s become clear that I need to snap out of it and find a solution.

I’ve been dancing around this issue, unable to bear the thought of losing business I love so much, feeling nauseous at the thought of packing all my crap up (and having to get a storage unit again). I’ve considered getting a partner in, but can’t embrace the idea. I don’t want to deal with a stranger, and even with a friend…

But then I go back to the general uncertainty in my life: I don’t know how long the recession is going to keep affecting me personally. I don’t know what lies ahead, relation-wise. It’s enough to have gone through everything I’ve experienced this year: the economy kicking everyone’s ass; realizing I hate my field so badly that getting laid off wasn’t such an awful thing; realizing I’m 20 and in need of a new career, and the fear and uncertainty that comes with that.
So…. ugh. I have some deep thinking to do and some big decisions to make. This is an incredibly busy month for me, and I know this will be occupying space in my brain as I try to make the right decision.

But right now, I just have to get through this night with the cozy blanket. I don’t know what is going to happen next. Enough shit… Now Dad is even depressed, he has got this deadline to shut his business down by the first of next month. He is happy and usually laughs at it, saying “I’ll enjoy rest of my life at home” but I am sure this feeling is killing him for sure…

  1. Muzzamil says:

    Omg… Dis is ridiculous

  2. Jo Hart says:

    An awesome blog to close the file

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