Love, An Accurately Fuzzy Meaning…

Posted: January 1, 2010 in Death and Bereavement
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

There was something about the way everything happened that made me think I’d be a fool to ever allow anyone in my life in any significant way. But I felt that, deeply and clearly. I felt that I couldn’t go through something so devastating, to have failed so spectacularly, then just start up with someone new as if none of that had happened. I thought the scars would be too many, the baggage too heavy.

More than anything, though, I thought about love. And what I thought was, that’s not something I deserve. You don’t fail in this way, you don’t put people in the middle of this mess, and then think you get some happiness when the dust settles. I wasn’t on some martyr trip; I just didn’t think I had the right to it. Why should I get to have anything beautiful and good when the thing I thought I was fighting so hard for was the very thing I killed?

Also, the truth was that my stomach churned at the mere thought of having real feelings for anyone again. I could date, I could screw, I could find endless distractions – but I could not love. Didn’t want to. Didn’t want the headache, the stress, the heartache. No one would ever be worth the pain again, because for me, love has always been synonymous with suffering (love in every sense be it family or friends). I’d seen what effort and giving and honesty had gotten me: nothing. Or rather, my heart handed to me on a platter and my life, ripped apart.

Yeah, love? Not worth it. I knew I had the capacity to love, and that based on the kind of person I am, that I would not become cynical towards love or close myself to those kinds of feelings. I just did not think I could really allow it into my life; I’ll leave all of it for my bride… I guess before marriage this is more of desperation/Infatuation than love…what say?

I’ve spent countless nights ruminating about love. I will never know the answer to that, and in a way, the answer doesn’t even matter.

Life is a bit uncertain. Don’t know when death strikes. So should I wait to get married and have children, I am referring to the legal style of getting married. How about hooking up with a girl, enjoying all the pre-marriage luxuries and then dying without regretting that you never had a girl. So what say? Enjoy a girl in your life now or wait for the right time. I guess waiting for the right time seems more appropriate, socially, religiously and ethically.

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Comments
  1. Virdah says:

    da right gurl will cum to u on da rite time inshAllah and she ll b worth da headaches and stress 🙂

  2. Sikander Khan says:

    i personally think that love never tells you before happening…it just happens..!!! no matter what you do.?? time just makes its own way..

  3. Muzzamil says:

    Whateva

  4. Sameen Shah says:

    they say u cant run away from love..it happens..and everything happens for a reason..if u try to looks for reason in you situation..u will get the answers you are looking for in your post..

  5. Salman Ateeq says:

    You should ask your mate that question…not random strangers. Then let the chips fall where they may.

  6. Stella Rangin says:

    I liked this posting quite a bit.

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