Monday Morning Thoughts…

Posted: March 1, 2010 in Uneven Moments
Tags: , , , ,

*Sigh.*

I know.

I’ve been kinda xxx around here (and everywhere in the blogosphere). It’s just a situation where real life obligations, the holidays (and related activities/stress) and a case of writer’s block/personal introspection have all collided.

For a while now, I’ve been posting every (week) day because I wanted to and because my schedule permitted it. On the one hand, I wanted the challenge of writing on a daily basis; on the other, I wanted to see if I could even do it. But now, some life changes are effectively ending my daily posting schedule.

Honestly? I’m glad. Reflecting on the last year of my writing here, my overall feeling is that I wasn’t very good at writing “good” or entertaining or funny or moving or thought-provoking things here. I’m o.k. with that, but the realization brought something else to the forefront for me: at some point, I slipped from writing and sharing for writing and sharing’s sake to writing and sharing for the audience’s sake. And – I hope you understand – that’s just not what I want out of this blog of mine.

Other bloggers have written about this struggle with writing when you know you have an audience, and how that affects both what one writes and how they feel about their writing. And yes, I’m going through a mild form of that. I just don’t want to be entertaining thoughts about how something I write will be received – if it will generate lots of comments or be linked to from somewhere else or, I don’t know, make me sprout wings and fly – because really, I just want to write.

I know, I can’t write in a vacuum, not on the Internet. But I want to get back to the core of why I decided to do this and what I hope to achieve by it. And while yes, having an audience is very important to me, as is that audience’s feedback, it’s not the core. At least, I don’t want it to turn me into a fake blogger/writer/person who is motivated by factors outside himself.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed with all my writing responsibilities. I maintain two other blogs and contribute to a few sites, and if I had no full-time job, I could totally write everywhere with little problems, but. But I work and study full time and come home to be a full-time spoilt little thing and basically have no free time until at least 9 p.m. And by 9 p.m., I just want to pass the hell out. I sound like I’m making lame excuses here, but honestly, I just don’t have the time. Not if I want to maintain my personal relationships and clean my room and wrap presents and fulfill my work obligations and pay attention to friends and their issues or spend some time out.
So I’ve been a scatter-brain, a flake, an absent Internet person. I know, and I’m sorry and I’m digging myself out as best as I can.

As the dust settles on some personal things I’m going through (nothing bad, just different), I’ll have a clearer idea of what kind of writing schedule I can set up for myself. I’m hoping I can keep all my projects/gigs going, but there may be some casualties if I honestly believe I just won’t be able to juggle it all.

Early morning I woke and was lost thinking why people are so mean? We make friends and try to own them, is it something wrong. I want to take care of people but they simply don’t care. It was my exam and friends were more worried, I came late but gladly they kept me a seat, I dint say a word but they got exactly what I meant. People might try and create misunderstandings between us but our understandings are bigger than that. Even when everyone would leave you, there will always be one helping hand and that will be mine that is a promise. Though I get frustrated at times thinking I lose people, but they come back when they realize they were wrong or at fault, but these days people simply refuse to admit their mistakes instead they accuse you of being immature and cantankerous. Well this phase should would could pass soon.

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Comments
  1. Muzaffar Sanam says:

    So glad to hear that all is starting to map out for you. I’ve been thinking of you often…. Much love and peace to you…

  2. Sara Parker says:

    It’s been a while since I’ve last posted. I have to share something with you that I found in a hospital gift shop. It was a plaque and it read:
    I believe in the Sun even when it is not shining,
    I believe in Love even if I’m alone,
    I believe in God even if he is silent.

  3. Salman Ateeq says:

    Oh and for your celebration I am going to donate canned goods to the food pantries in our area. There is a high demand for food this year and it will give me a chance to reach out to others.

  4. Altamash Jiva says:

    A post worth reading. looking forward for more

  5. Abeeda Jilani says:

    A post worth reading 🙂

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