Trust On My Mind…

Posted: April 14, 2010 in Experience
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I recognize that I’m not a trusting person (though I can be ridiculously gullible). Personal experience and my understanding/intuition of human behavior haven’t given me much reason or hope for trusting. Of course, trust comes in many levels, and I’m able to feel some of the more basic forms of trust. But when I think of one of the reasons I’m most surprised to find myself in a relationship at this point in my life, and in so deeply, it’s because of this trust issue. I didn’t think, after all I’d been through, that I would be able to trust again. If I found unappealing the thought of allowing someone in into my life and my heart, it was because of the thought of learning all over again to trust, or to trust someone new, and because I didn’t want to go through that and the inevitable moments where I, or he, or we, would fail.

I try to break it down in my mind, and in the end, it’s too much to truly decipher. Too many pieces, some quite obvious and others tiny and imperceptible, that make me this way. My own experiences, going back to my childhood, are responsible, but so too are the myriad examples of others, the moments where something happens to someone else and it’s just one more confirmation of what I already suspected about people and why you’re a fool if you trust them.

I try, though, to break from my own preconceived notions, to not pin people down before they’ve had a chance to show me who they are, what they’re made of. Even so, I’m cautious. While I understand that I struggle to trust, I trust myself completely, and my intuition and gut have never failed me. I have these triggers, and when they go off (and one, a huge one, recently did, and I’m grappling with it, hence my brooding), I know instantly that I have a problem on my hands, but solutions aren’t always as easy to figure out.

A big part of the problem is my gut, my sense of being right. I joke that I’m right 95% of the time, and while I know that’s not really true, I do know that I have a good sense – an accurate sense – about some things, and when it comes to those things, I’m never wrong. At least, I haven’t been so far. So these triggers, when they go off, it’s coupled with alarm, that I will in fact be right again, and the hurt that will bring me — here we go again, and I know how this is going to play out, and damn, this is going to be bad. In the end, it’s this: that I’m right and practically clairvoyant and I don’t want to be, and I’ve been through this before, and my options are limited.

I keep all these things in mind, try not to lose myself in my own head, and go back to the trust I feel for people. I get it, how knowing people so long (which, considering we weren’t actively in each other’s lives, really just means that I had a good sense about them), and especially how we had all those months of being just friends, with none of the attraction thing going on (which would’ve ruined everything), sets a good foundation for that trust. I get, too, clearly, how I can be this open and this trusting and this believing, how I can be with people, period, when I was so sure I wouldn’t be capable of feeling this for years to come, if at all. It’s risky, so risky, yes. But people earn my trust. And time passes, and new experiences happen, and through it all, in how they handle themselves, how they handle others, how they handle you, they keeps earning more of your trust.

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Comments
  1. Safina abrar says:

    Aren’t I just a trusting, determined person?!

  2. Sameen Shah says:

    I will happily add to my prayers. I hope that Spring is bring you all warmth and brightly colored flowers.

  3. Salwa Sharif says:

    hats off, still i’m waiting for your answer to my queries

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