This is the point where I enter a new chapter, a new place, a new existence in this “life, part 2” of mine.

There has been a shift, one so stark and unignorable that I have very quickly made some important decisions about myself and my life and have begun to act on those.

The other night, I lay in bed, wide awake at 2 a.m., feeling this immense pressure on my chest. Everything about my life felt too overwhelming. I kept thinking about this last year, everything that has happened, how it’s affected me, what it all means for my future; I was wondering how I could continue to carry all this and move forward at the same time, knowing it would be impossible, when in a flash, a wave of anger washed over me.

“What the Hell, man?” That’s exactly what I told myself. “Why am I in this agony when I’m the only one in it? Why am I stressing over other people and whatever shit they have going on in their heads, especially when none of them stress about me?” It was a night where I asked a series of questions of myself – a lot of “why’s” – where I indulged in one final pity party even as I lay there facing some very harsh truths.

And from there, it all took a turn. I realized that (due to a few specific events/reasons) I was living in this suspended state of tension – like when you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in that state, you just can’t move or do much. I’ve been waiting for something to happen – for a change, for words, for something.

And the truth is, there’s nothing. There’s nothing but all that is right in front of me. How can I wait or wonder about or expect something beyond all that is right before me? I am suddenly very aware of how I apply this concept in all aspects of my life: I am always wondering if the people around me are holding back; I’m always waiting for more – for their real feelings, their real thoughts. Why don’t I just take it all at face value? If someone doesn’t say more, or something different, isn’t there a greater chance that they don’t simply because the more or the different is just not there?

So with all this, during that long, torturous night, I realized I had to stop it. I realized I was entitled to my sadness and my anger and my frustration, but that I could not let them control me, nor let them cloud my life. They are there. They will be there for God knows how long. But they are not me, and they don’t have the right to keep robbing me of all the possibilities before me.

It is just that I am so indescribably tired of everything. I am especially tired of myself, of being this person who devotes way too much time and energy and emotion to people and relationships in way that is just too one-sided. I am tired of hope, of thinking that there must be something better, because that notion will keep me tied to an illusion for an indefinite amount of time if I continue with it. I have told myself for months now to keep my chin up, to be hopeful of life, to stay open – blah, blah, blah. For now, it is just done for me. No more. No more of this ridiculous bullshit; I’m over it.

I have realized that there are just some things that I have to accept, whether I like it or not, whether I think it’s fair or not. I just have to accept it. And I have to do whatever it takes to keep my life moving forward, no matter how drastic, no matter the cost. I have had this recurring vision of myself standing still while all around me thousands of tiny axes fall; it is a bizarre but accurate description of what I feel. I am at this point determined to take whatever measures necessary until I am free of this sucking agony that has taken every shred of happiness from me.

I am done – so, so, so done. I miss smiling easily and being light-hearted and in a playful mood; I miss not being so freakishly sensitive and taking everything personally. I miss my self-esteem and self-confidence. So there is no more of this shit. No more me stressing over others, stressing over what they think of me, what they feel (or don’t) for me, stressing over all the ways in which I fail. There is no more me measuring my words, acting cautiously for fear of pissing someone off.

I haven’t got much of a definite plan right now, but the shift that I needed has occurred. And now, I am committed to seeing this through to a better end.

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Comments
  1. Martha Singh says:

    I love this post. Well done you!

  2. Jessica Krupali says:

    Yes! Hang onto that. Take care of yourself first. Man are so very carefully taught to be nurturers, caretakers of others, servants, in fact. I think that sucks. I like what you said a lot, and I believe that it is a healthy reaction.
    Sending a virtual high five.

  3. Safina abrar says:

    This reminded me of a book that I highly recommend (how unusual, but hey love me for the bookstore friend that I am). Its called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. I personally listened to it on audio in the car. Cheesy German accent and he’s slightly dramatic, but the insights he offers are undeniable and right on point to this post.

    I LOVE YOU!!!!

  4. Salman Ateeq says:

    I like it!!!
    SA

  5. Sara Parker says:

    Awesome description, impressive post 🙂

  6. Sameen Shah says:

    This post is very very different and well written. i’ve fallen in love with it

  7. anika says:

    An awesome post….a wonderful piece writing as always… i love it:)

  8. Salwa Sharif says:

    Very true and special thing i must say. but is this direct to your experiences?

  9. Muneeb Shahid says:

    Somehow that doesn’t sound very comforting. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been such a brat when I was a child.

    Peace.

  10. Sara siraj says:

    I never thought of it as a memory task.

  11. Mohsin Kamran says:

    Great stuff. Thanks for sharing that.

  12. Sajia Bawany says:

    Dear Just ordinary… you asked Miq a question and he gave you his answer. I also have something I would like to add. When we are born.. we came into this life pure. Then depending on our environment and how we are brought up many of us “shut down”. We forget who we are, what we are here for and where we have come from and where we are going. We are all here to fulfill our contract with God. Each and every one of us has set lessons we have contracted to learn. Things happen to us and the way we react is how we fulfill our life’s lessons. If we do not fulfill these we will have to come back and relearn them. There are many books on this subject which may be of some help. (If you want names just ask and I will post some on the blog for you).
    God Bless You

  13. Daniyal Ahsan says:

    Hats off, i would like to share you link on my blog, this post and the others are just superb 🙂

  14. Altamash Jiva says:

    The title reflects the post. quite harsh but true 🙂

  15. Ammar Haque says:

    It is almost ironic or something looking back now

  16. Sheikh Imran says:

    Even though I am aware, I don’t do a very good job of using my time wisely. Your blog is the encouragement that I needed to do better this year.

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