Emotional Baggage…

Posted: May 18, 2010 in Belief
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been thinking about this entry all day long. Where to start? Where to end is the more important question. I’ve been holding emotions in for a very long time, and ive run out of people to bore with my constant ranting, so I’ve made the transition to the internet. But, this is not the topic of this entry. What I will try to accomplish is getting stuff off of my chest. I am tired of holding this in, and I’m opening up to anyone who is willing to read this.

So, I will just open up on how my personality has changed over the last couple of years. Basically, as soon as I hit middle school, i immediately became part of a “group” of friends. Gone were the days of harmlessly playing around with whoever you wanted, because kids in middle school begin judging people based on menial things that just didn’t matter in the lower echelons of schooling. So 7th grade was fine, no real big occurrences there, other than the judging. But in 8th grade, I decided to become different. I grew tired of being what everyone else wanted me to be and became my own person. I grew my hair out and started wearing darker clothes. Almost as soon as I walked into the school that morning, the constant nags began. “What happened?”, “why’d you go Goth on us?”. At first, I shrugged it off; I ignored them. But it kept coming, day after day people judged, and day after day i drifted further apart from general society. By the halfway point in the school year, I was an emotional wreck; I had resulted to destructive behaviors such as cutting (which I’ve long quit). When people saw those, it only got worse.

I’ve developed a cynical attitude towards people. I make judgments quickly, and I stick to them. People still continue to judge me. In fact, the first day of high school, I was accused of being stoned simply because I was tired and my eyes were red. If I looked like a normal person, that wouldn’t have happened, but my hair is long for a guy, so I was stereotyped as a stoner, only adding to my hate towards the general populace.

I spend a lot of time alone, which may sound bad, but has also opened a lot of doors for me creatively. It was during one of my lonely nights that I got into writing, and I’m proud to say I am excellent at it, it’s saved my life. I also have developed as a squash player. I’m not incredible, but I’m just learning.

At school, I walk around with a fake smile and say hi to people that say it first. I’ve gone from an overly charismatic person to somewhat of a loner.
Just a short post for now will continue this baggage in the next one.

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Comments
  1. Altamash Jiva says:

    It is hard. People do struggle–fear of their own mortality, fear of upsetting the person and somehow making things more difficult…..

    But you’re right:
    Be available. Be willing. Be all that you are instead of all that you’re fearful of. Make the efforts–you’ll be glad for it.

    You’re also right about the evolving that’s happened here–with you, with this community……
    You’ve grown. We’ve grown.
    G-d willing, that’ll continue.

  2. Asim Jaleel says:

    *chuckling*

    Well–you could be right…..’cept we all know you’re not. LOLOLOL

    But I do appreciate the gesture. :-/

  3. Jamal Panwahar says:

    A post worth reading. looking forward for more

  4. Asim Jaleel says:

    Emotional and senti. its not the real miq 😦

  5. Sameen Shah says:

    I never knew this side of your story :-/

  6. Sara Parker says:

    I too smile like I mean it in life these days… all I can say is hang in there… I am telling you it gets better- much better once you are out of high school. Continue to be yourself even though at times it may seem hard— remember this too shall pass.. you are so young and you have so much to look forward to! Embrace it all.

  7. Sabika Khan says:

    we all are unique, try not to lose yourself by placeing your need on acceptance, acceptance and love of self are the most postitive ingredients to live a happy life, prosper and follow YOUR dreams, not someone elses expectations of who, or what you should be…..we only get the gift of life ONCE!

  8. Ammar Haque says:

    Who gives a damn wat others think. What matters is what you feel about you and whether you are happy with that. As for baggage, you are not alone…they dont make enough bags to carry mine. I personally get tired of the ball and chain of trying to meet everyone elses expectations on life. Just be your self and if you need an ear I am around

  9. Laura Quin says:

    I have never been accepted by mainstream society, and the few friends I do manage to make often disappear or begin to talk ill of me. I never felt like I had a real friend until a few months ago when, for pretty much the first time, I was approached by a group of people and immediately asked me to join them. They have been my best friends ever since and I would not be alive today without them. I understand the pain we teenagers are going through, and I have a theory on why it is so hard. Our parents try to mold us into what they want us to be, and we try to figure out what they are molding us into and evaluate what kind of a job they are doing of it. When we don’t like how or what they are doing, we try to take matters into our own hands. However, we are already molded a bit, and it can be very difficult to change those parts of ourselves that are already so established. What you have to do is break free, be who you want to be, and find what makes you happy. Then use what you already have to find what you ultimately want and then you can be truly happy. I more or less did this, I fought my parents’ attempts to control and mold me, and I acted upon what I wanted. And now, for the very first time in my entire life, my mind is at peace and I am actually very happy to be alive. I decided to live for my friends and for the girl I love, and making this shift from focusing on making money and being rich to living a life of fun and friendship and love has helped me become the person I truly want to be. =]

  10. Saima Saleem says:

    I just joined wordpress.com today and while trying to find something to write I was browsing other blogs. Yours really hit home with me. I’m assuming you’re younger than me. I’m 24. It wasn’t so long ago when I was in your shoes. You’re not different. You’re being yourself. The being yourself part is different because most people can’t do it. You’re doing this for yourself. Not for anybody else.

  11. Saba Kamran says:

    The only thing I’m really happy about is that you resorted to writing to vent yourself out because I’ve seen many nice kids gone wrong trying to be different from others.

  12. Irwin Karan says:

    In preparation for eternity
    And what we do within it’s span
    Determines our soul’s destiny
    IK 🙂

  13. Sheikh Imran says:

    Even though I am aware, I don’t do a very good job of using my time wisely. Your blog is the encouragement that I needed to do better this year.

  14. Abeeda Jilani says:

    Well then–welcome home!
    The place hasn’t been the same without ya. :-/

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