To Know You are Dying…

Posted: May 29, 2010 in Subtle Touch
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Yesterday, was not a good day felt tired most of the day and today is starting off the same. I keep thinking maybe, instead of fighting the tiredness, I should just throw up when the feeling comes. May be it is nature or something, I don’t know, but I fight the urge until the end. When, I am feeling that way, controlling the tiredness is the only thought in my head. I need sleep. Ah,well when a day starts off like this you know all it can do is get better, always have that to look forward to.

My administrator’s site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.

It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subsides and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.

I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, whatever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.

Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another? The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.

Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what people say (2012 impending). I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death; I just want to delay it as long as possible.

  1. Catherine says:

    Thank you for your writings. I think it helps. I think dying is a profoundly personal, and lonely thing. We all go through it, just as you and I do. It is frightening… it is the most extreme thing imaginable… even if you are religious, it is huge to die. I cannot understand it. I never will… none of us really ever will…. religions are formed ove this. It is horrible. But also, it is inevitable. No one escapes it. You feel al alone. You are not alone. SO MANY have done this. That is my comfort, in some bizarre way…

  2. Sara Parker says:

    I don’t know if I cease to exist or something else goes on, and I don’t care to fight with people over it. I am well informed on religion and remain in a state of not knowing but really hoping about a lot of things… in any case, the beauty of life is we are all connected in this way. You and I will experience the same thing… as the last breath escapes us…. I love you. I love you. Thank you for documenting your experience for me. I love you and and all my fellow living/dying creatures as we will all know this together, and we all take it seriously, and while i cannot help you and you cannot help me, I feel less alone in a lonely,and scared in a lonely, scary thing…

  3. Altamash Jiva says:

    I hope you last a long time.

  4. Sabika Khan says:

    Your follower is right, dying is a very lonely thing. It is really the only thing in this world that we have to do completely alone. It is an end shared by us all but each,alone, when our time comes. It is huge, very personal and at times scary.

  5. Ammar Haque says:

    Possibly in a remote email sort of way we can provide each other with a shoulder to lean on or to cry on.
    I love you and you are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.

  6. Laura Quin says:

    I think that it is harder when we don’t know what to believe in concerning God and an afterlife. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. And when things don’t make sense to us we tend to become anxious and even fearful. I pray that you find your strength and your faith.

  7. Abeeda Jilani says:

    You have such a way with words.
    Reading anything you have to say is always a blessing.

  8. Jo Hart says:

    I have just found your webpage and found it very inspiring to read. What a marvellous and brave man you are. I have a cousin who is dying of cancer and he has not been given much time left. He is 41 and has 4 children under the age of 7. Having children myself, this just breaks my heart. I have been trying to find a webpage on trying to help someone accept they are dying, and then after reading your page, I now feel so selfish. My cousin does not want to accept he is dying and you are not allowed to talk about it with him. We know he knows but he is a closed book, even now right up until the end. I was trying to find something that would help, something to say, but in the end, what can you say, what can you do. It has to be up to the individual and this is how he deals with it. I am a very spiritual person and I believe so greatly of our loved ones who have passed are there with us at all times and i want to say this to him, but I just feel that I can’t. Am I being selfish in wanting to help him accept that he is dying? I hope this email finds you in good spirits.

    Jo Hart
    Brisbane Australia

  9. Vijay Kumar says:

    Dear Miq,
    I am new to this blog but would like to offer my help to anyone out. I have been through the death of my beloved and it was hard, every day for years his suffering went on. But through all the pain of death coming, we stayed in the present moment, it always helped that we had each other. Every moment we made sure that we were mindful of the gift of life, even in the face of it been taken away. I would have taken his place in a moment, and I felt death and wished it would come and take me too.
    When he died, hours before the moment of his final breath, he was seeing a beautiful place and kept telling me, “you should see it” over and over he said this whilst pointing to the roof of the hospital room. I knwe him better than anyone and he was always so happy, kind and genlte but I never swa him happier than the day that he passed from the body to the spirit form. He was seeing into his future I believe. This gave me peace and was one of the more positive things that happened in the last few days of his life.

  10. Michelle says:

    I am still here and now I know why.
    I am here to help others, in anyway I can.

    I would just like to say Thank you to you Miq for sharing yourself with all of your visitors. I will come back to see how you are going and please, to all of you out there who might need a little help, please ask me.

  11. SJ says:

    Hello, I’ve just come across your webpage. I’m at a state in my life where I am scared because I know that I’m going to die. I don’t know when (I don’t have advanced knowledge that I will) but that uneasiness, that fear I have is there. Reading what your words have given me a sense of comfort for the most part, and I want to thank you for that even if that feeling is temporary.

  12. Sameen Shah says:

    I’ve decided to do a cause-effect essay on how the effects of knowing that your dying.. if you all could just express what the effects of knowing such a devistating thing of knowing you cannot live longer that would be very helpful..

  13. Jessica Krupali says:

    I am so thankful for every breath I take, for tommorrow it could all be gone in a blink of eye. May God, creator of this universe, give you all comfort for your beautiful souls.

  14. April says:

    If there is no other way but to die why dwell. Make it count, Everyone dying/living is in my prayers

  15. Santa says:

    I pray that all on this thread will find peace and comfort in the love of God. In my faith, after all, I am not dying, I am merely going home.

  16. Dry Tears says:

    I wanted to post a response to your comment as soon as I saw it. I have so much more I could say but at this very moment am just lacking the time. I hpe you don’t mind but today or tomorrow I will be emailing you directly.

  17. Safina abrar says:

    Awesome. content worth reading 🙂

  18. Ali Nawaz says:

    If I had a penny for each time I came to! Superb article!

  19. Sara siraj says:

    🙂 :-p

  20. Akber Shah says:

    Amazing Truth 😦

  21. anika says:

    An absolutely amazing and a wonderful piece of wrting,its a pleasure to read it 🙂 i reallly wish that you have a very long life

  22. Chandra Sen says:

    Read me at

  23. Anum Faheem says:

    There is this saying by woody Allen. It goes on like this “I am not scared of death,I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” Though what you wrote is quite different from this but I think what Allen said is tru too 🙂

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