Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today. ~ James Dean

A little while ago I sort of stumbled on this whole issue of abuse. I admit to having a hard time letting go of it, as it is all just so wrong and just makes no sense what so ever to me.

I never have and never will be a physical abuser and have never intentionally been an emotional abuser. I say “intentionally” as let’s face it at times we all misspeak or are misunderstood and can unintentionally hurt another.

I often get quite a number of emails from fellow bloggers and other friends. At times it is requested I do a post stating what my thoughts are on certain things. This is one of those cases; I have received a number of messages asking me to state my thoughts on how women should be treated by men. When I got the first message I sort of just laughed it off, thinking that is a no brain-er every man knows how to treat a woman. Then 3 more messages came in asking for the same thing. That made me stop and think, this along with the abuse issues I have been writing about make it clear maybe all males don’t know how they should be treating a woman. In fact I do believe all males know how a woman should be treated. The sad fact of the matter is many males are so immature and insecure within themselves that they CHOOSE not to do this. To make themselves feel better, more secure, I don’t know something. I do know this is unloving, unkind, just plain cruel and self centered. It is ridiculous. I belong to a third world country, stats here and in the west are quite different but still I’ll try to stick to the topic.

First off though I have to come to the defense of men. Now I know I have said this before but I must say it again. I hear so much about “MEN” abusing women, it almost at times make me ashamed to admit to being a man. I can say from my heart no “MAN” has ever hit a woman, controlled her or abused her in anyway. A real man just would not do that. There is a lot of understandable confusion as there are a lot of punks out there that see themselves as men, in general the world sees them as men, just because of age and size. This is where the confusion comes in. It takes more than age or size to become a MAN. It is time for all of us to realize the difference, a punk irregardless of age or size is not a Man. Abuse a woman in anyway and you have just proved to her, to yourself and all around, you are not a man but a PUNK. No explanations, reasons or excuses can ever change this, you are a punk. Maybe it is time to realize that, realize that real men look down on you, realize it is time to grow up to become an MAN.

OK, so how should any man treat any woman. A woman, any woman should always be treated with dignity and respect, treated as a Lady. There are just no exceptions to this rule, none, circumstances, situation nothing matters.

Now right away I can picture many shaking their heads, both men and women, saying there are some women out there that just don’t deserve to be treated as ladies. OK, I admit it, I have said there are a number of immature selfish males out there passing themselves off as men but are just punks. Statistically speaking I am therefore also sure there are a number of women doing the same. Irregardless, should this be true or not, as a man this does not give me the right to in essence pass judgment and treat them with anything but dignity and respect.

As a man I must have my own internal set of standards or conduct. To really be a man and to be true to myself, I cannot ever allow myself to sink below that set of standards. I am not responsible for the actions or deeds of others, but I am very much responsible for my own. I many not in fact approve, personally, of the deeds of another, and in fact not even want to have really anything to do with that person. That is fine, but, it does not mean that I can treat the individual with less than the dignity and respect any human being deserves.

Husband/wife relationship. Obviously the same dignity and respect would apply here, even to a much higher level. If a man loves his Lady he will show his love and do everything he can to make his Lady feel the love, feel safe and secure, feel protected, feel valued and cherished, feel respected as a person in her own right. He will strive to make her feel valued as the person she is, independent and free.

Some will question, how could anyone in a committed relationship be allowed to feel independent and free. Free to make her own choices. Some will ask if you are in a committed relationship, how can you be allowed to feel independent and free. Doesn’t the commitment remove the independence and freedom? It shouldn’t remove your right to choose your actions. It is in fact your choice of actions that will determine the depth of your commitment to the relationship. I don’t believe in pre marriage relations so I’ll shut this topic for now.

A real man if he truly loves his Lady will do everything he can to make her happy. He will help to nurture and support her, encouraging her to become the very best she can be. Nature dictates that in most cases the male will have superior size and strength. This should only and always be used to protect your Lady from harm, make her safe, make her feel safe.

A woman’s place is at a man’s side, equal in all ways, irregardless of anything. This is something I believe and have written many times. I recently read something about Pak Tribal Culture. This indicated that some believe at times a woman should indeed walk about 10 steps behind the man and under the circumstances described I agree.  How could this be justified, may be asked? At the time this practice was in place, they lived in the wilderness. The man walked ahead simply to ensure the trail was safe, free of snakes or anything that might endanger his lady. Your Lady should be loved, cherished and protected at all times.

When I think of a healthy relationship I think of 2 ships floating on the sea of life. I see 2 ships that are fully functional on their own, fully capable of navigating through life on their own. I see these 2 ships choosing to sail the sea of life together side by side. Love is the only reason these ships choose to sail side by side. As a man, I would not want to be sailing through life with another ship at my side that didn’t really want to be there, how unsatisfying in unfulfilled would that be, really.

But on the contrary what about men who face physical abuse? These stats are off record and never fiddled with.

May add more later. A completely new topic to deal with.

Good Morning

  1. Jessica Krupali says:

    What do you think of this?..I have been stuggling with this for some years now.

    The Government of Canada plans to apologise for the abuses at Residential Schools.

    Canada’s Residential Schools: Where recent generations learned the fine art of standing in line single-file for hours without moving a hair, as a lesson in discipline. Where our best and brightest earned graduation certificates for homemaking and masonry; where the sharp rules of immaculate living were instilled through blistered hands and knees on the floor with scouring toothbrushes; where mouths were scrubbed with lye and chlorine solutions for uttering Native words.”
    Residential Schools ran on bare-bones budgets, and large numbers of students died from starvation and disease because of inadequate food and medical care. School officials routinely forced children to do arduous work to raise money for staff salaries and “leased out” students during the summers to farm or work as domestics for white families. In addition to bringing in income, the hard labour prepared children to take their place in white society—the only one open to them—on the bottom rung of the socioeconomic ladder.
    Physical hardship, however, was merely the backdrop to a systematic assault on Native culture. School staff sheared children’s hair, banned traditional clothing and customs, and forced children to worship as Christians. Eliminating Native languages—considered an obstacle to the “acculturation” process—was a top priority, and teachers devised an extensive repertoire of punishments for uncooperative children.
    Church officials also killed children by beating, poisoning, electric shock, starvation, prolonged exposure to sub-zero cold while naked, and medical experimentation, including the removal of organs and radiation exposure.
    In 1928, Alberta passed legislation that gave school officials the authority to forcibly sterilize Native girls; British Columbia followed suit in 1933. There is no accurate toll of forced sterilizations because hospital staff destroyed records in 1995 after police launched an investigation. Nevertheless, according to the testimony of a nurse in Alberta, doctors sterilized entire groups of Native children when they reached puberty.

    Randy Fred (Tsehaht First Nation), a 47-year-old survivor, told the British Columbia Aboriginal Network on Disability Society, “We were kids when we were raped and victimized. All the plaintiffs I have talked with have attempted suicide. I attempted suicide twice, when I was 19 and again when I was 20. We all suffered from alcohol abuse, drug abuse. Looking at the lists of students [abused in the school], at least half the people are dead”.

    The abuse has dealt repeated blows to the traditional social structure of Native communities. Before colonization, Native women generally enjoyed high status, according to scholars, and violence against women, children, and elders was virtually non-existent. Today, sexual abuse and violence have reached epidemic proportions in Native communities, along with alcoholism and suicide.

  2. Helen says:

    You are a wonderful man. You make me smile with your wonderful words full of so much wisdom . Every day as I read your writings you make me smile. You think you know nothing I think you know everything or darn close to it.

  3. Jamal Panwahar says:

    we have discussed this. I think this is all terrible, tragic, a stain on Canadian history. Terrible, terrible abuse was handed out and endured by so many. I believe all abuse is wrong and there is no excuse for it, none what so ever. In my own mind I struggle to fathom the scope of the cruelty and brutality that so many suffered and continue to suffer. To come up with any understanding as to the why of all of this is totally beyond me.
    Henri, I have read Lori’s comment below and I am with her in wanting to help but also like her, I just don’t know how. I ask please for any suggestions you may have in this regard. You said it yourself these are wrongs committed as recently as several generations ago. I know your own father suffered greatly with this horrific system in his early school years. I am sincere when I ask what can we do to rectify wrongs done in the past? Terrible wrongs that were committed even prior to most of us even being born. I am so glad to know that to the largest part, not entirely I know, but to the largest part, the terrible racism of the past is gone. That leaves us now regretting the “sins of our fathers” but truly not knowing what to do about it. Obviously when I use the word “fathers” I am not speaking literally but merely of past generations of the general population.
    I think it is fair to say the vast majority of individuals in “this” generation would like to be able to help. No matter how much we would like it, past wrongs can’t be righted.
    I ask you Henri, what is the answer to this? What can I do, what can any of us do to help, these victims and their families move on with happy lives. We can’t change the past but maybe we can help shape the future. What is a realistic answer to the question, what can I do, what can we all do?

  4. Safina abrar says:

    I am totally with you on your reply as I imagine most are. The question is what can we do. I have asked that and will await for your reply.
    Hope you are having a good day. I am sending you an email today, hope to hear back from you on it.

  5. Altamash Jiva says:

    I think you’re an abuser and a liar. This is all very supicious. I know you are an abuser. :-p

  6. Jameel Isphani says:

    So simple (note I didn’t say easy)……and oh, how we complicate the simple and justify the unjustifiable.

  7. Catherine says:

    Miqdad, I especially love the part where you classify abusers as PUNKS not men!

    Your words are heart-warming and uplifting. Your last paragraph is a beautiful description of a loving, robust, mutually respectful relationship. I would like to add that sometimes one partner falls overboard and the other must send out the life raft! Sweet sailing, always, to you

  8. Jo Hart says:

    as the mechanism is falwless! It does the cleaning perfectly with less effort manually.

  9. Rajeev Kumar says:

    it is so nice to hear from you my dear friend. I only call it as I see it and I see it that no man would abuse a woman. It would take a “Punk” to do that. Sadly, there are enough punks out there that they are giving MEN a bad name.
    Very good point about the life raft.

  10. Salman Ateeq says:

    I especially love the part where you classify abusers as PUNKS not men!

  11. Martha Singh says:

    I ask this as a question as I don’t know, could that be part of the problem. Based on what I remember of high school history, it just didn’t cover more recent events. Do we just need to bring it more “up to date”.

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