Oh man. If I could explain how exhausted I feel – and how ridiculously paralyzed that exhaustion makes me feel – I think I’d feel a whole lot better. But that’s the problem: I can’t even articulate what I’m feeling.

I’ve spent weeks rushing through life. Work is killing me, simply because there’s so much going on that I’m caught in an endless swirl of tasks and projects and things I have to be aware of and remember. The thing with this job is that I love it, I really do. But the other thing is that I’m a boss (of, like, an entire department), and while it’s awesome, it’s also a level of responsibility that carries a lot of stress. This is especially true because I’m someone who takes work and responsibility and my obligations to myself very seriously, so failure is not an option. I’m not very forgiving of mistakes, either (my own). So, I’m sure I make regular stress that much worse. There’s also the fact that I’m still newish and still on a learning curve, which I’m constantly trying to overtake. That’s a big factor here. Once I’ve completed a five year pack and I get the full cycle, I think I’ll be able to ease up a bit. I hope.

But then, school is killing me as well. While I love the subjects I’m studying, they, like everything else, require time and attention and focus, and I’m generally short on all three. None of the work I have to do is technically difficult or unrealistic — yet I manage to overwhelm myself anyway. A lot of it is still feeling like a newbie college kid, because a lot’s changed since I got my A’level degree a thousand years ago. This is just not my world, and I didn’t even like it much when it was my world, so I feel like an outsider. That doesn’t help. I’m not immersed in this stuff, because the truth is, my friends, my personal life, and my work are all more important to me. I keep telling myself that I’m doing the right thing, that this stress will be worth it in a couple of years, but meanwhile, it’s just another thing that’s killing me.

And finally, there’s my personal life. That’s killing me about as much as anything else. I can’t even properly explain this, as nothing is actually “wrong.” Even so, these last couple of months have felt important in a not-very-clear way (and yeah, that lack of clarity doesn’t help). I’ve sensed some things crystallizing in me, and while it feels really, really good to know exactly where I stand on some important things, that somehow carries its own uncertainties. At the same time, I’ve been realizing how some things are really, truly fluid and I am not able – nor would it be right of me – to act on any of it. This is a hard lesson for me; once I analyze something to death, I am almost always compelled to act. And in the past, acting – in haste, out of pressure, because I just feel like awareness compels action – has proven fatal. To stand back and let things unfold — this is a difficult lesson for me. I’ve also realized that a lot about my personal life is not – not right now, anyway – in my hands, and letting go in this way, this feeling like I don’t have all the control in my own life — it basically kills me. Of course, I get that when the time comes to act, when everything’s as unfolded as it’s going to get, I may be up against some big, serious shit. And yeah, a lot of my stress is because of that. Life right now is not on a clear path.

Crap bunches up like this sometimes, and the stress is nearly unbearable. Ay. I need some light in this tunnel right about now.

  1. Mel Carter says:

    dear Miq – good to catch up with you, but I hate to see the stress monster digging it’s claws into your shoulders.

  2. Martha Singh says:

    Breathe. Meditate. Focus on one thing at a time.

  3. Sara Parker says:

    Your attempt will definitely be worth it. But don’t forget – it’s not just about the end result, enjoy that journey also.

  4. Sabika Khan says:

    You are an amazing person. You can do this and will do this.

  5. Anum Faheem says:

    Just enjoy the feeling after you are through with this stress. I mean just think of a time when you would be quoting this as your past experience. I always enjoy the time when i am too thirsty. Because just the thought of fulfilling that thirst with a glass of water is over overwhelmingly amazing :)just picture it in your mind and the you’d love it

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s