Archive for the ‘pain’ Category

I hope and pray 2011 is a wonderful year for all. I hope and pray for all that it is the very best year of your life so far and that each coming year after shall continue to just get better and better.

I am not making any New Year’s resolutions but I am approaching the new year with more resolve, a greater determination to work on myself physically, spiritually and emotionally. In the last day or so I responded to a comment in which I stated I am prepared for what lies ahead. I realize that has become like just a pat, routine answer. Something made me stop and really think about it. I realize that yes, there was indeed a time when I was prepared both emotionally and spiritually, prepared to go home whenever the Father called me. I feel I have let that state of preparedness slide. I am not sure becoming complacent or something. Maybe, it is I am not as prepared as I once was or as I would always like to be. Dying is kind of a big deal for all of us!!! If you know it is coming wouldn’t you want to be as prepared as you can. Well guess what? I know I am dying but I also know you are dying, timing is the only difference. I may be on a bit more of an accelerated plan but really how do you even know that.

Ok, I was prepared, but for reasons known only to him, the Good Lord seemed to be not ready to call me. Time kept rolling by and I am still here plugging away. Somehow through this my feelings of not seeing my next birthday was replaced with a feeling of I have another 10 or 15 years left in my yet. I even survived another birthday. I became cocky, complacent. My daily prayers and meditation began to slip until here I am now.

I am not sure why but over the past 4 or 5 months that cocky feeling of I have a good 10 or 15 years left in my has gone. I am feeling uncertain about this year. I need to get back my sense of being prepared the peace and serenity that comes with it.

I found this blog helped me gain those feelings in the past and I am hoping it will do it for me again. I have to go back to the beginning. But I will get there.

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I spend so much time reflecting back on my life. I seem to see things so differently now. Via email, I received one of those inspirational type messages. It was the story of a very skilled carpenter that took great pride and care in ensuring every job was done well. After many years of quality work, it reached the point he decided to retire and informed his employer of this. On hearing this his employer practically begged him to build on last house. Out of loyalty and respect for the employer he agreed. But as the construction began it was obvious his heart wasn’t in it. He began taking short cuts, using shoddy materials, putting forth less than his best effort, anything he could to just get through each day. Ultimately, the house was finished, on the outside it looked good and only the carpenter in his heart knew of the inferior work contained within. Upon completion the employer handed the carpenter the keys to the house, gifting it to him in recognition of the years of good work. Now only when it was too late did the carpenter regret the quality of the work he had put into building that house. Only then did he regret, everything he had done. Things he had done just to make it a little easier to get through a particular day, were coming back to haunt him.

I see this as such a good comparison to life. Our inner selves our true selves are a continual work in progress, constantly, “under construction”. Our bodies are our personal houses. Housing the true us, our spirits contained within, during our time on this earth. Do we want to end up as the carpenter did? Reach our end, with our houses (bodies) looking good or at least OK. But, in our hearts knowing of all the flaws and defective workmanship contained within.

Is it possible to attain perfection, of course not. At least not in this physical world. We are human and as such will always have some internal imperfections. We can though at least try our best. Our every day, every act is one more step in the building of our internal selves. Our every act whether an act of love, kindness, cruelty, deceit or whatever put another brick in place in the construction of our inner selves. Every time we take the easy way over what we may know to be the right way, another brick.

If only we would stop and see the big picture, today is not just today. It is an important day in the building of the true me.

I am feeling pretty good and keeping busy with the seemingly endless list of homework. I am approaching things differently than in the past. Maybe reality has clicked in and I can see things for what they are. I am a reasonably handy guy and can do a lot of things around the house myself. In the distant past taking on a major project didn’t deter me in the slightest. I am reasonably good at home type projects and did a pretty good job in a reasonable length of time.

As my health over all declined so have my physical limitations. It seemed to take my mind a while to catch up with and accept that fact. I still had no hesitation about taking on a big project, hey this is something I can do. Often it seemed though I would get into the project and the reality of my limitations would only then hit me. I seemed to become over whelmed at the enormity of the task as I was reminded of my limitations by the slow speed of my progress. I became discouraged, disheartened and even felt feelings or uselessness. With a sort of tail between my legs sort of attitude I turned to family for help, which was always freely given.

I think I have finally been able to close that chapter in my life. I see a project  and I am still willing to take them on. I just look at them differently; I look at them through realistic Miq’s eyes and take into account working at Miq’s speed. In one way I have lowered the expectations I have put on myself. Being, fine a few years ago maybe this job I could have completed in a day. That was then and now is now. Today maybe that same job, re-launching a product again will take me 2 weeks but so what. I CAN DO IT.

This past few months have been tough ones for me and I have really struggled with several issues, this expectations thing being just one of them. I am not sure if this even makes sense but it seems for me to function, I do need to have expectations of myself, push myself to do something productive or it is like I have already given up on life and I am just not prepared to do that. So I need to have expectations of myself but realistic expectations based on what I can do today. Does that make sense?

Oh man. If I could explain how exhausted I feel – and how ridiculously paralyzed that exhaustion makes me feel – I think I’d feel a whole lot better. But that’s the problem: I can’t even articulate what I’m feeling.

I’ve spent weeks rushing through life. Work is killing me, simply because there’s so much going on that I’m caught in an endless swirl of tasks and projects and things I have to be aware of and remember. The thing with this job is that I love it, I really do. But the other thing is that I’m a boss (of, like, an entire department), and while it’s awesome, it’s also a level of responsibility that carries a lot of stress. This is especially true because I’m someone who takes work and responsibility and my obligations to myself very seriously, so failure is not an option. I’m not very forgiving of mistakes, either (my own). So, I’m sure I make regular stress that much worse. There’s also the fact that I’m still newish and still on a learning curve, which I’m constantly trying to overtake. That’s a big factor here. Once I’ve completed a five year pack and I get the full cycle, I think I’ll be able to ease up a bit. I hope.

But then, school is killing me as well. While I love the subjects I’m studying, they, like everything else, require time and attention and focus, and I’m generally short on all three. None of the work I have to do is technically difficult or unrealistic — yet I manage to overwhelm myself anyway. A lot of it is still feeling like a newbie college kid, because a lot’s changed since I got my A’level degree a thousand years ago. This is just not my world, and I didn’t even like it much when it was my world, so I feel like an outsider. That doesn’t help. I’m not immersed in this stuff, because the truth is, my friends, my personal life, and my work are all more important to me. I keep telling myself that I’m doing the right thing, that this stress will be worth it in a couple of years, but meanwhile, it’s just another thing that’s killing me.

And finally, there’s my personal life. That’s killing me about as much as anything else. I can’t even properly explain this, as nothing is actually “wrong.” Even so, these last couple of months have felt important in a not-very-clear way (and yeah, that lack of clarity doesn’t help). I’ve sensed some things crystallizing in me, and while it feels really, really good to know exactly where I stand on some important things, that somehow carries its own uncertainties. At the same time, I’ve been realizing how some things are really, truly fluid and I am not able – nor would it be right of me – to act on any of it. This is a hard lesson for me; once I analyze something to death, I am almost always compelled to act. And in the past, acting – in haste, out of pressure, because I just feel like awareness compels action – has proven fatal. To stand back and let things unfold — this is a difficult lesson for me. I’ve also realized that a lot about my personal life is not – not right now, anyway – in my hands, and letting go in this way, this feeling like I don’t have all the control in my own life — it basically kills me. Of course, I get that when the time comes to act, when everything’s as unfolded as it’s going to get, I may be up against some big, serious shit. And yeah, a lot of my stress is because of that. Life right now is not on a clear path.

Crap bunches up like this sometimes, and the stress is nearly unbearable. Ay. I need some light in this tunnel right about now.

I had always figured it was a pretty obvious fact that this blog – no matter how personal and open I am in it – never paints a complete picture of anything I write about, of the situation at hand. I mean, that’s simply impossible. And with that, I’ve assumed that no one would ever read anything here and walk away feeling like they have all the information/details about what I’ve written about, or like they know exactly what my feelings are.
All along, I’ve treated this like such an obvious given, that it never occurred to me to even address it. But recent conversations I’ve had about my blog, and the subsequent thinking I’ve been doing about it, compels me to state this, no matter how obvious it might in fact be: everything I’ve shared here is utterly incomplete. There is absolutely no way to read anything here and draw an absolute conclusion. And if you have, chances are high that your conclusions are not correct. This, I’m afraid, is the unintentional trap of every personal blog, the conundrum every autobiographical blogger finds him/herself in: we share as honestly and openly as we can, and readers feel a connection, like they *really* know us and our lives… and yet, it’s not true. This is ultimately such a limiting space, and our immediate moods many times affect what we say and how we say it. And I personally feel such relief most times after writing about something that I pretty quickly don’t feel what I wrote as intensely as it came out. Even with the best of intentions to share and share honestly and all that good stuff… in the end it’s always felt like a futile endeavor on my part.

Snapshots. These posts are merely snapshots. And snapshots never offer a complete picture. And once the snapshot is up and it’s been viewed and digested, everyone moves on. Even the writer. Not that what I share is not real or that my feelings just leave me – just that the act of writing itself loosens the grip the tough feelings have on me, and the thought process behind the writing offers a better perspective. While some feelings are so deep that they don’t really change, a lot of the intensity with which I write does. It ebbs and flows, and sometimes it settles somewhere more manageable.

And in moving on from certain themes, the question becomes, how do you go back? How do you (should you) revisit things and try to offer some more insight because finally, finally you’re able to?

I’m thinking specifically of the difficult posts I wrote after some amateur ones. I felt even as I wrote and wrote all those (seemingly endless) months about my feelings that I was doing nothing more than searching for healing.

The few fresh days of business and your client drags you to the court of law and there you wait in the police station and those Illiterate policemen grab you and drag you to a dark cell where you see a mud cooler and a small window and then you come to know your sources are asleep and you have to spend the entire night in the cell with other strange and violent prisoners. A CEO in jail for a sleepover.
That’s it, really. I was blown apart, utterly blown apart. It was such a giant, immense thing. And it seemed like everyone could see it, like there was nothing I could do – no words I could say, no smile or expression I could plaster on my face, no place I could go – to deny this or hide from it. It felt like I oozed my blown apart-ness. And so, feeling so terribly exposed, it was like a subconscious part of me – apart from needing to write to heal – said, “F this, if I’m out, I may as well be all out.” When you hang your broken self out for all to see, there’s a strange comfort, a power, even, in that. You can’t break someone like that anymore than she already is.

I was so angry and hurt, but I wasn’t thinking then, and never thought at any point, about vengeance or lashing out. And I can’t think now about going back and rehashing any of that. But I think about this, and I wonder if there could have been any way to go through the process without hurting them. The truth is, I don’t know.

I was simply blown apart

Update…

Posted: September 5, 2010 in pain
Tags: , , , , , ,

It is amazing how fast the summer seems to have slipped by. We have been blessed to have just about non stop company. Wonderful, yes, but at the same time tiring. We have had a lot of very hot and humid days which do seem to suck the energy right out of me.

I had the occasion to learn of an area within myself that I do need to work on.  I guess it goes to the saying once a fool always a fool. Given the right set of circumstances an angry “Teenager” can come to the surface.

I plan on being on the computer more regularly in the future. Part of what comes with family visits that include teenagers is reduced access to the computer. lol

I am doing well, feeling fine and thank all for the comments left.

Yesterday was a bit of a tough day, I was just beat. Driving out to for interviews was a wonderful time and so very worth the effort but it just wore me out. Got in a good nap yesterday and slept a full 12 hours last night but am still feeling worn out. This tired worn out feeling is different from I have experienced in years gone by and is hard to describe other than just worn out, done in, no energy.

Life is a balancing act. Our precious time is what we seem to try to balance the most. Often trying to balance our time between our jobs or outside commitments and our family or personal time. How much time can be spent doing this or that and it never seems to be enough. Balance is so very important in everything from our emotions right down to our bank accounts and spending.

For me the big balancing act is between getting enough rest and just plain old doing things. Now that sounds like it should be easy, rest when you are tired. Now that is advice everyone should use. Rest when you are tired and accept that energy levels may vary from day-to-day. But, how many of us do that, how many of us can afford to do that? We have jobs, family all sorts of commitments that often force us to push ourselves to meet our obligations. I am at the point in my life where I realize proper rest is critical for my body. I suppose I am in a lucky position in that I have very few obligations that actually require much or any energy from me. I could in fact spend all of each day just sitting around or lying around watching TV or reading and napping. Actually, I do spend much of my day doing exactly that.

I have written of how I like to do what I still can. This is where my balancing act comes into play. More often than not my energy level is about zero and I have to push myself to do almost anything. I wonder sometimes if even a bit of laziness might not be sneaking in. I mean there really is nothing I have to do and no one would blame me if I didn’t do it so why bother? For me that answer is easy, It makes me feel useful, that I am accomplishing something, contributing something.

Over the years my definition of accomplishing something has changed. My past thoughts had always been that to accomplish something it had to be something big or really worthwhile. I have come to realize that depending on circumstances accomplishing something can be as “small” as changing a light bulb. Never stop doing what you can.

One of my bench mark accomplishments of late has been blogging, get done with some sleazy contracts or write editorials in a local newspaper. In my mind I have these all divide up into little sections. I do one little section, rest before moving on to the next. I tackled the articles yesterday and I think for the first time wasn’t able to get it finished. Keeping a positive outlook, well I accomplished half the article, I do have today to finish it.

Questions, how hard should we push ourselves? How hard do you push yourself? How necessary are the things in your life that you push yourself for? How do you determine what is a healthy balance in pushing yourself and what do you do about it?

Today is 2nd August,  the second day of the month when our country got its independence and we are harassed by the situation through which our country is going through. Floods, target killing and now one of our MPA’s was shot dead. The citizens haven’t been able to get over the tragedy of the plane crash in which every person had a 6 degree relation with some or other one. I knew at least 4 people who died, one was a person with whom I discussed business, a person belonging to the same school and one of my school mates husband and the his brother. We still don’t know what the reality was of the plane crash. Does any of our politician have an answer to it. How can an experienced pilot do such foolish thing?  What was wrong in the plane? Some says a missile fire, some says it was hijacked, some says it was because of the jammers, some says it was because the run way was busy the pilot was asked to take another round and come back after 5 minutes. Can we please get an answer to our queries till when in the government going to hide the realities from us we need the answers.

Then we have the natural flood which has completely taken over with more than 1500 people dead. Where are all our volunteers, why isn’t the government sending them the required aid. And in these situations how can our bloody President go out and have fun in England in an expensive suite, how can he even sleep when his people are dying of hunger and poverty.

Now here we have another MPA dying because of traget killing while he is doing his Wuddu in the Masjid and then we call ourselves Muslim??? Is this what Islam teaches us to kill people in Masjid isn’t Islam suppose to be the name of tolerance?

what is happening to my country when will we be able to come out of all these problems. Till when we as a nation will stay quite. Please have mercy on yourselves and stand up and raise your voices before its too late before we end up in a situation where we are not able to do anything. Stand up not for others but for your nation and for your selves for your better future.

I asked my parents about minutes before dying, when i was a lot younger, and the response I got was…..”they’re not around to ask”., so I dropped it.

Is there a moment of death? Millions of death certificates provide abundant evidence—or do they? Many world religions also envision an awesome moment in which the soul departs from the body to continue its existence in another form. Furthermore, the moment of death is the signal for an abrupt change in society’s way of dealing with the individual: Medical attention gives way to mortuary services and rites of passage; the death is announced through formal and informal channels; personal records are reclassified; the deceased person’s assets are redistributed (or become the subject of conflict and litigation); and there is additional tension in situations such as organ donation and cryonic suspension. In each of these scenarios there is often a sense of urgency to move on to the next step whether this be the removal of organs to save another person’s life or the preparation for cryostasis. The moment of death, then, has both symbolic resonations and practical consequences. Nevertheless, despite the definitions, assumptions, and beliefs that surround it, the moment of death can be quite an elusive concept.

The most common assumption in Western society is that life gives way to death in a “razor-thin” moment. This image has been reinforced by numerous movie and television scenes in which a sick or injured person suddenly falls silent and lies still, the struggle is then over. These depictions are also consistent with the inclination to see much of reality in dichotomous terms. One either wins or loses; one’s conclusions are either right or wrong; a person is either good or bad, a friend or an enemy, and dead or alive. This way of thinking has the advantage of reducing complexity and ambiguity, but the disadvantages of oversimplification and premature judgment. By contrast, Eastern religions and scientific thought are more likely to emphasize process and flow. Buddhists and Hindus, for example, regard perpetual change as a basic feature of the universe. Within this worldview, living and dying can be regarded as a tidal play of forces that occur throughout life.

Death certificates seem to support the assumption that there is a clear and definitive moment of death when time of death is recorded. Often, though, this information is based on estimates rather than direct observation. A resident of a long-term care facility or a hospital patient may have been seen alive at Time A and then discovered dead at Time B. Precisely when the death occurred between A and B is unknown, but a time is recorded to complete the certificate. It is not unusual for the death certificate to be signed by a physician who was not there at the specified time. There can also be a strategic basis for selecting the moment of death. For example, a patient who dies in the operating room may not be pronounced dead until moved to a postsurgery unit.

No reliable information is available on the number of deaths that are actually witnessed, whether at home, in the community, or in medical care settings. Patients enrolled in hospice programs seem to have a better chance for companionship at the time of death, but even then this does not always happen. The collective experience of caregivers and researchers suggests that many people pass from life to death without another person at their side. Nobody knows if they experienced a definitive moment of death.

It can be difficult to identify a moment of death when the person has not been able to respond and communicate effectively for some time. This situation may arise after a stroke, drug reaction, or catastrophic failure of the cardiovascular or some other system. A nurse could detect the cessation of vital functions if the patient is on life support, and this might be considered the moment of death. Not all unresponsive patients are under this kind of intensive observation, however, and nurses may have conflicting duties to perform even when they are trying to monitor vital signs.

The moment of death has become a more problematic concept with the changing definitions of death and the technological advances that can keep basic physiological systems going even if there is no discernible mental functioning. The person may seem to have perished some time ago, and the moment of death may become a matter of professional, family, and legal decision making. Even a slight possibility of recovery, though, can create the lingering question of whether or not the moment of death has actually occurred.

How one decides to define the moment of death also depends on one’s willingness to consider rigor mortis and other physiological processes that continue for some time afterward. The person is dead, but organic processes still have their sequences to complete.

The moment of death is not as clear and firm a fact as many people have often supposed. It has been defined and assessed in many ways throughout history, and there may be other changes yet to come. For personal, religious, and bureaucratic purposes it is often useful to assume that a specific, identifiable moment separates life from death. Biomedical research and experience offers only mixed support for this belief. The body becomes cooler after death, for example, but people have survived at even lower temperatures. A sudden “flat-line” shift in electrical brain activity is considered evidence for death, yet the readings may be continued for another twenty-four hours just to be sure.

Nevertheless, there have also been many observations to verify an obvious moment of death for some people. Companions have seen a person change in an instant, as though a subtle wave had passed through them (or a subtle something had passed from them). Everything seems to be as it was a moment before—except that a vital quality is missing and a shell of the person left behind. The sense of moment has occasionally been intensified by the feeling that an energy has been shared from the dying person to the companion. Known as the “death flash,” this phenomenon has not been successfully studied but has experiential validity for those who feel that they have been part of a mysterious transfer.

The moment of death is unlikely to be the same for the dying person and the other people who may be in attendance. The dying person might have a final experience before the signs become visible to others. Similarly, a person might be considered by others to have passed into death but actually retain some form of mental life, possibly even continuous awareness of the situation. Still again, death might occur so suddenly that the afflicted person has no time to register any experience. Battlefield deaths have provided many examples. Some soldiers killed in the battle of Gettysburg, for example, remained frozen in their active positions, such as scaling a wall. For these victims there may not have been a moment of death, but their last moments remained as though fixed forever in time for those who later entered the killing ground.

Depending on the perspective one takes, then, the moment of death can be seen to be a religious image, a bureaucratic convenience, or a sociomedical complexity.