Posts Tagged ‘affection’

I have commented many times on how I appreciate all comments and of how I read and reread them all. I have thought different times of inviting people to just ask me any questions they may have of me. This thought was brought to mind again yesterday with a comment I received from “just ordinary”. I am receptive to any questions and would do my best to answer based on my own thoughts and experiences. I am not a doctor and would be reluctant to go into the medical area beyond my own symptoms. If anyone has questions please feel free to ask away.

This brings me back to the question asked by just ordinary. Have I always believed in God? Simple answer is yes, always. I have never had a great awakening or anything like that; I can only imagine it was my parent’s thoughts and teachings that gave me this belief. I must have been very very young as I can’t actually remember any time in which they spoke of it and keep reminding me of it. It is just a strong belief I have always carried with me. I am not what you consider to be a religious man and rarely went to mosque except for weddings and funerals, this is nothing to be proud of but still I regret.
I am embarrassed to admit but even with the knowledge of our Father my side for the majority of my life, I did things my way. I knew what best for me. As I think now and looking back I realize there was a point where maybe I had an awakening or a realization, I am not sure how to word it. This was back before my serious health problems had actually begun. I was in the midst of a major life crisis. I was going through what for me was a very painful phase. I was depressed, felt lost, realizing my life wasn’t going at all the way I had envisioned or planned. I came to the realization that doing things “my way” wasn’t giving me the life I wanted so desperately. Slowly I turned to my faith and started putting my beliefs into practice instead of just having them tucked away somewhere in the back of my mind.

Reality came as a bit of a shock to me. I actually had thought I was “a good practicing Muslim but I wasn’t”. I mean I then was going to Mosque regularly, I prayed. I mean what more could I do. I suppose maybe I was taking it for granted. I knew God was there and he would take care of me. When I prayed I realized I was just mumbling a bunch of words out of habit or out of the feeling that is what I should do, with no real thought of meaning to them. The day these problems ended I was all the same again.

I found as I slowly truly turned to my faith instead of just paying lip service to it, my life began to change. I always believed God was with me and he was. Always there willing and waiting to help. I just had to turn to him and be willing to accept that help. The more I turned to my faith the more my life began to change. Now, I just think, man, would my life have been so much easier so much better if I had just done that 10 years earlier.

I suppose it could be said I moved the beliefs I have always had, from just in my head, to being in my heart. As my faith has declined, I can’t describe the embarrassment that it has brought me.


Yesterday, I felt pretty good for the part of the day that I was awake. I always seem to feel tired and yesterday was another day that I slept most of it away.

I spend so much time reflecting back on my life. I seem to see things so differently now. Via email, I received one of those inspirational type messages. It was the story of a very skilled carpenter that took great pride and care in ensuring every job was done well. After many years of quality work, it reached the point he decided to retire and informed his employer of this. On hearing this, his employer practically begged him to build on last house. Out of loyalty and respect for the employer he agreed. But as the construction began it was obvious his heart wasn’t in it. He began taking short cuts, using shoddy materials, putting forth less than his best effort, anything he could to just get through each day. Ultimately, the house was finished, on the outside it looked good and only the carpenter in his heart knew of the inferior work contained within. Upon completion the employer handed the carpenter the keys to the house, gifting it to him in recognition of the years of good work. Now only when it was too late did the carpenter regret the quality of the work he had put into building that house. Only then did he regret everything he had done. Things he had done just to make it a little easier to get through a particular day, were coming back to haunt him.
I see this as such a good comparison to life. Our inner selves our true selves are a continual work in progress, constantly, “under construction”. Our bodies are our personal houses. Housing the true us, our spirits contained within, during our time on this earth. Do we want to end up as the carpenter did? Reach our end, with our houses (bodies) looking good or at least OK. But, in our hearts knowing of all the flaws and defective workmanship contained within.

Is it possible to attain perfection, of course not. At least not in this physical world. We are human and as such will always have some internal imperfections. We can though at least try our best. Our every day, every act is one more step in the building of our internal selves. Our every act whether and act of love, kindness, cruelty, deceit or whatever put another brick in place in the construction of our inner selves. Every time we take the easy way over what we may know to be the right way, another brick.

If only we would stop and see the big picture, today is not just today. It is an important day in the building of the true me.
I am feeling very guilty at the moment. Last week, I was the recipient of another act of kindness.

It is strange, today I had actually had a topic in mind. It was on misguided loyalty, maybe tomorrow we will see.

If only we would stop and see the big picture, today is not just today. It is an important day in the building of the true me.

I am trying my best to be I suppose you could call it a student of life. In my own way I am trying to learn and understand more about life in general and of people all people. To get a better understanding of actions and reactions to situations in life. What I am learning is of how little I really know or understand. Sounds strange maybe but I realize the more I think I learn the less I realize I understand???? A few examples of the things that having me going, HUH???

Now, I think it is a fair statement to make, that, the vast majority of people do not want to die. Now that sounds pretty straight forward and simple. I can easily understand that, I can relate to that. Now here is the part I just do not understand. We do not want to die so obviously we want to go on living, our lives are precious to us. Again, I can certainly relate. Now here is the part I don’t understand. We all recognize and appreciate how precious our lives are, how precious our time on this planet is. But, do we really? We each know our individual time here is limited, we see how precious it is, but what are we doing with it? Why do we take time for granted always assuming there will be many tomorrows in which we can enjoy life. I think we live with so many thoughts of the future we forget to live today. Not sure where I heard this: “Life is not about learning how to weather a storm; it is about learning how to dance in the rain.” Thank about that as you go about your day.

As a society it seems to me anyway, that we are only comfortable dealing with or even thinking about death and dying when it is maybe in the abstract almost. By that I mean when it is happening to people far far away. People that we are not related to or associated with in anyway and somehow talking about them dying is an “OK” subject. Or, at least it doesn’t seem to make us feel as uncomfortable. Suddenly though if the topic hits closer to home it becomes more uncomfortable, we don’t want to talk about it or even think about it. Is it the fear of loss that affects us so deeply. A loved one passes and we have a really sense of loss. It is not only a sense of loss but a real loss in our lives. Without that person there our lives are changed forever, no denying that. Our lives are changed yes but can be and will be just as good with time. i have to wonder, we are grieving a loss, is that our main fear in this whole thing. We are grieving our own personal loss what is missing out of our lives. I don’t know are we really grieving more for ourselves than the other person. I don’t know that was just a thought that popped into my head.

What about if we are facing our own passing? Well actually that statement applies to every single person on this planet, it is just the timing. Struggling with wording, does that make sense? Can we become so obsessed with not wanting to lose our lives that we forget to live them while we still can?

Wow, I really got off track here as I rambled on. I’ve got to share a new perspective. It is when you lose people in terms of relationships. When people get into relationships or what you call friends with benefits, this is time when their priorities change; they value their partner more and dike you whenever they want to. This is so unfair. For the past six months this happens frequently with me. What to do? I can’t get any solutions to this issue. Then I thought how about we be the same with them and talk to them the way we used to. They may realize some day that they were wrong and come back to you, but this technique of mine seems to be a heart eiderdown, it’s not working too. Good luck to all those people who fall in this category.

As this was the last post of this file, I’ll take a week off before I start a new file.

Good Day 🙂

I must have had a dream or something last night, what it was I have no idea. But, I had 2 ideas running around in my head. I wrote them down so as not to forget them also. I wish I could remember the whole dream, and then I could just pass it on. Then again it could be just some of the wild and wacky thoughts that come to this head of mine. I know there have been a few times when my friends have asked me: “where do you come up with these ideas?” It is then that I will try to put on my wisest look and reply with something like: “Ah, I dunno.”

As it is I guess I will have to put my own spin on those thought and what they could mean. Sort of like the Miq’s statistics I sometimes come up with. OK, here we go.

Picture this, a gigantic pile of small pebbles formed perfectly in the shape of a triangle. The number of pebbles in the pile exactly corresponds to the number of people on this earth about 6 1/2 billion. Now that many pebbles would make one honking big pile. Now also picture this, right beside the pile of pebbles is a huge hole in the ground that just happens to be of exact equal size to our mountain of pebbles. Now what if for some reason all these pebbles had to be picked up on at a time by hand and thrown into the hole. Now that would be a task of monumental size, but impossible???

I have to wonder how many people, myself included, would just look at that mountain of pebbles and the task at hand and just walk away. Thinking to themselves: “that is just an impossible task, there are just too many pebbles, and there is nothing I could do that would make any sort of difference.” They walk away having done nothing. There thinking being if I can’t do it all or at least make a really sizable contribution, I won’t bother doing anything, huh.

No matter what the task, the purpose or the cause at hand every little bit helps. Remember the number of pebbles in the pile exactly corresponds to the number of people on this earth. If we each did our own little bit how hare would that be? Soon that entire mountain would be gone; one stone at a time and it is gone.

Now let’s get back to that triangle shape. A triangle is a 3 sided figure in which no 2 sides directly oppose each other. I am struggling with wording here. I could use many different examples here to illustrate the point I am trying to make. I will use Religion. I don’t know how many wars have been fought or how many millions of people have suffered because of Religious differences. To me that just makes no sense at all.

I am no Religious scholar and do not profess to be knowledgeable about any of the Faiths. From my understanding all work, strive to help to make us better people. When you get to the very core of the beliefs there are more similarities than there are differences. Yes there are differences but none that I am aware of that put one directly opposing the other. Every Religion has it extremist element and for my point here I am taking this small percentage right out of the equation.

I would imagine, if somehow we were able to get the individual beliefs of every single person on this earth and form it into some sort of a chart of graph. It would be roughly in a flattened triangular shape. The bottom line in this triangle being (our similarities) being much longer than the upward reaching sides. I am sure there is some mathematical name for such a triangle and I am sure I knew it at one point. All I am trying to say is our similarities far outweigh our differences. Can we focus more on our similarities than our differences and work together.

Back to my triangular shaped pile of pebbles. What if each of those pebbles actually represented one of the problems in the world today. If we could each do our part and agree with all others to tackle the task from all 3 sides just think of how quickly we could make it just disappear. Have you reached out to move your pebble today?

It is kind of a special time for me. It is like a humbling time of gratitude. Sometime today the blog will hit a 3.5k hits. I am in awe wondering how in the world my ramblings have attracted such attention.

With this humble feeling comes almost a feeling of guilt. I know many research, write and edit their posts before putting them up. They put real effort into what they write, I just sit down and type whatever comes to mind, spell check is the only tool or checking I do of anything. That lack of effort compared to what so many others put in just somehow doesn’t seem fair. I am a very blessed a lucky guy.

Every single person on this planet has at least one thing in common. We are all going to die at some point in time. It is inevitable; we cannot escape that reality. This fills most if not all with an over whelming feeling of dread and even fear. The thought of our own mortality is something we just don’t want to even think about much less talk about. To many it is like a taboo subject. Is it like an ostrich putting its head in the sand. If I can’t see it around me and if I don’t think about it maybe it won’t happen to me. Well guess what it is going to happen to you to me and in time to everyone. Can we not bring this taboo subject out of the dark at least enough to be able to talk about it and help others as they deal with it. Am I suggesting that the topic of death and dying be brought so much to the fore front that we become a society so focused on death we just run around daily contemplating our own demise. Of course not that would be ridiculous, so what am I trying to say.

Live our lives to the fullest on a daily basis. So often we endure life rather than live it. For many myself included for many years measured the quality of my life by material possessions and where I saw my life in relation to where I envisioned it being in the future. I was so busy envisioning how my live would be in the future I forgot about living in the day, enjoying the day. It was always my life will be better when: I finish school, I get a job, I have a family……..

As I reached or acheived one milestone another had already taken its place, leaving me still unsatisfied”knowing” it will be better WHEN.

My constant focus on that elusive future “when”, kept me feeling lacking in what I had at the time, a good life.

Hearing those words come out of your doctor’s mouth: you are dying can surprisingly have a very positive impact on your life, if you allow yourself to have that mindset. It can be a real eye opener. Opening your eyes to really see the world for what it is a truly wonderful place. A wonderful place that, yes, is filled with nagging little annoyances. Nagging little annoyances that if we allow enough of them to latch on to us can drag us down to a point we are no longer able to see the forest for the trees.

It is only now that I can look back on my life that I can see I allowed myself to see just how much time I wasted. What at the time seemed like a major crisis, was in the big picture of things nothing but a nagging little annoyance that I blew way out of proportion. Really sad when I think of it. A moment of negativity caused by really nothing but a nagging little annoyance deprived me of so much and it is only now I can see it. A moment spent in negativity is a moment of happiness gone forever. Can we or better put will we allow ourselves to learn from the mistakes of others. I see life differently now by sharing as I am, will others learn from my mistakes, I don’t know.

Living a “good life” takes effort. What do I mean by a good life? Living a life that will allow you to ultimately face your end with no regrets over things said or unsaid, done or undone. Living life is the way to prepare for a good death.

Living throughout our entire lives there are always 2 ways we can look at everything. This applies right up to and including the time when we face our own demise. I have some time left on this earth, how much I don’t know. I love this life of mine so I can either live it to the fullest. Not give up on living it until it is taken from me. Or, I could just give up on it now, curl up in a ball on the floor and become an angry, nasty person to be around, poor me. Why would I give up on living life before it is taken from me.

Along that thought line, this came to mind. I can’t change my future, I have no control over that. What I can control is the final lasting memories I leave behind.

To all my family and dear blogging friends, on this milestone post. I thank you for the prayers and loving support. Ponder over this post.

Yesterday I did a post on what I call the highway of life and fortunately it got posted on socyberty. This highway is simply the path we follow down during our lifetimes. Sometimes the highway is smooth and or lives carry on smoothly. Sometimes this highway may have a little pot hole and life suddenly isn’t such a smooth ride any more. So what is a pot hole in the highway of life. It could really be anything that we find to be unsettling or upsetting. The pot holes can vary in size, some are small (possibly an argument with a loved one). They can vary in size right up to really big ones. (Possibly the death of a loved one or some such)

There are issues in life that we just can’t avoid. Things such as the loss of a loved one are just beyond our control and we must just work our way through this painful time. So in what I am about to say I am not talking about this sort of life issue.

I am talking about more the more mundane issues in life. Those nagging little issues that come along and can be anywhere from annoying to almost driving us “crazy”. There are millions of examples of the sort of thing I am talking about and the list of things can vary from person to person. I am talking about the sort of things that have us saying to ourselves:  “WHY did this have to happen, today of all days” or “he/she/they are such idiots, I keep trying to explain to them how it should be and they just aren’t listening”. You know the sort of things I am talking about. Little pot holes in the highway of life.

With time some we see coming and can learn to avoid. Others we often just charge in head first and can turn what could be just a little bump in the road into a huge quagmire. Why do we often charge right in, because we “know” what is the right thing to be done, even if it may be in the lives of others. Our intentions are good, we want to help in many cases and we “know” the best thing to be done. Often we enter gently offering loving “suggestions”. Huh, what is up with this, I told them what to do and they are not listening. The answer to this problem is so obvious, I can see it, why can’t they. Huh, they must not have heard me the first time, so I will tell them again, maybe I will be a little more forceful this time so they will listen and see what I am saying and realize that obviously I am right. “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THESE IDIOTS, I KEEP TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO AND THEY ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME. Well, FINE if that is their attitude, see if I am going to try and help them again”. Feelings have been hurt likely on both sides and nothing is accomplished.

What have I learned? Often, there is no, one size fits all, right answer. What is right for or to me may very well not be for the next person. I accept that. So, I ask this, is it better to be “right” or to be happy?

Today, if I come across a situation, I am not shy about offering my suggestions usually only once, unless later questioned about it. Even though I may “know” my point or my view is the “right” one, I will not beat it to death. I will not argue or take offence if you do not agree with me and act on my advice. I prefer to be happy. I admit, I may still have a bit of a smug feeling inside, “knowing”, I am right. I am content to know for me I am right but don’t feel the necessity to pound away at it until I force you to agree with me. Take what you like and leave the rest.

This is how hard feelings and grudges are formed. A grudge is the heaviest thing you can ever carry. Why waste your precious time and energy arguing over something likely would have been forgotten about very shortly anyway. Forgotten that is unless we make a mountain out of a mole hill, turn a simple little pot hole into a huge quagmire.

The effort required for life begins when we are very young. We have to drag our butts out of bed to go to school. There we are required to put forth great effort to learn the lessons being taught. This is the very beginning of the life cycle that teaches us, “The more effort we put into it the greater will be our rewards”. In school it is obvious the more effort we put forth, the more we learn and the better are our grades.

Generally, right out of school, we enter the work force. Here we are paid a wage for doing a particular job. Now I know it doesn’t always work this way but here again the more effort you put into it the more you get out of it, ie. Raises, bonus and promotions. I know that in the work place things don’t always work this way but I hope you get the point I am trying to make here. The idea being harder work (greater effort) is recognized and rewarded.

We can see that in our dealings with the “outside” world that the more the effort put out the greater the return back becomes.

Do we ever stop to think that this may also apply to within our own personal lives? When I say personal lives, I am actually meaning it in 2 different ways:

1) Personal life meaning relationships with spouse, children, family and friends. Let’s just take children as an example. As a parent, it is our job to raise our children. In raising a child we firstly provide the basics food, clothing and shelter, hopefully in a safe environment. But, when you think of it, that is only the tip of the ice berg when it comes to parenting. It is our job to teach our children how to become good healthy, well adjusted adults, prepared to go out on their own and face the world. This is the part that can require a whole lot of effort, can seem never ending and even thankless. This I believe is generally one of the biggest examples of the more effort put forward now yields the greatest returns later. The “return” being able to see your children as well adjusted adults.

A thought just hit me as I am sitting here. If we fore go the parenting part of raising our children. We can in fact become some one more akin to a landlord providing room and board to young unpaying tenant that are raising themselves.

2) Living with the inner me. I am the inner me. I live constantly with my own thoughts and feelings. How much effort do I put into feeling good about this person that is me. The person I see staring back at me in the mirror every morning. It takes effort to work on myself but this is the ultimate example of the more effort put in the greater will be the return as we become better, healthier, happier people.
Geesh, we really are talking a whole lot of effort being exerted all the time. No wonder we are all so tired all the time.

I look back now and can really see, most of my life, I had my priorities mixed up. I put way to much effort into my endeavors in the “outside world”. In all areas of my life I needed to have my priorities in a more proper or better order.

At times it is hard to accept we are human and there will be many times when our best efforts are not enough to accomplish everything we would like to. We may not have the energy or the TIME.

As humans we have our limits, our frailties that can limit the energy we have to expend. Maybe I or we have to look at each day individually. OK, I have this amount of energy I can use today. How am I going to use it, wisely I hope.

For me and many others “time” has become a major factor in our lives. I know I have to, but maybe everyone should look at each day and realize, I have only so much time in this day, how am I going to most wisely use it. Oh, time is such a big one, none of us knows how much of it we have left. It has to be used wisely

Yesterday was a big day for me. I planted 30 hills of potatoes. Now, I know many will read this and just say, huh, so that was about maybe 3o minutes out of your day, so what!!!

Well possibly that may have been about 30 minutes out of the day for many. For me it was an almost all afternoon job. Let’s just say there were “several” breaks for me to huff and puff. OK, there was a lot more time spent sitting in the lawn chair than there was planting time. But, who cares? My point is, I got it done!!!! For me it has been hard, accepting my physical limitations. I find looking back I have too often had a bit of a poor me attitude. I didn’t actually think, “poor me” but I was acting the role. My thoughts were more like: “a few years ago I could have done that and not even given it a second thought. Now is different, with all my commitments it would just take too much time and effort, it just isn’t worth it.”

I can now see that once I started with that thought process, it became like a slippery slope. It became easier and easier to rationalize away doing more and more in life. How many times have I written the importance of living life and not just enduring it. Now I can’t really say I feel like I have been enduring life, my life is good, I know I am a lucky man. What I realize is I am allowing more and more of living life to slip away on me because it would take too much effort.

Irregardless, of health or anything else, LIVING LIFE TAKES EFFORT. Enduring life takes much less. I suppose it is one of those things that the more you put into it the more you will get back.

Obviously, there is a balance here and common sense has to prevail. I concede it is not to likely you will be seeing me running in any marathons at any time, but so what!! Living is doing what you can with what you have!!!

Yesterday, I decided I could plant potatoes in the garden with unprivileged children and I did. Fine it took me a lot longer than it may have for others, but so what. I did it. Not only did I get them planted but with all the time sitting resting in the sun, I soaked up some rays. Any that have looked at my picture will see I have a lot more forehead to burn than do many and burn it did.

Hey, who knows, maybe I will be mountain climbing next. LOL

I often speak of my strong beliefs. I was recently asked what exactly are my beliefs as I have never mentioned any particular thing related to my religion. It seems at times as if my beliefs are my own as I have never found a particular thing to spotlight on that exactly reflects them. I am sure there is one out there; I have just never found it. I believe in everything that is good, all Religions and all of the Faiths are good. We were given free will to choose our path in life, so would that not also carry over to our manner of worship. God is always with us supporting and helping us through every step of life. As long as in our hearts we are worshiping, glorifying God and striving to become better people how could any particular format we choose be wrong or bad. My particular beliefs didn’t seem to come from any one source at any one time. But instead slowly developed in my being. All coming from teachings of my father, reading the peak of eloquence (that I have recently started) and the teachings of many different scholars or messengers etc..

I believe in a loving supportive God. A God that wants all of his children to return to Heaven. We were put on this earth to help us grow spiritually and emotionally. Helping to prepare us for our ultimate return home, to Heaven. I believe we are provided with Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides to help us on our way. Through their innocence small children are more easily able to see and communicate with these Spiritual Beings. As we grow we lose that pure innocence, all becoming somewhat “jaded” or “tainted” by the world around us. As we lose more and more of the pure innocence we become less and less able to see them. Finally, they are lost to our mind and memory altogether. But that doesn’t mean they are gone, they are just on a different level we are no longer able to see.

They will often speak to us through what we have come to consider intuition or even gut instinct. If we were able to regain that pure innocence of the young child, we too could talk to them. But so sadly it seems innocence lost, is lost. By putting our hearts and love to God, we can be moving back towards that.

A very rough comparison could be that of a child going through the school system. Using just grades 1 to 12. Each year the child enters school with a predesigned set of lessons to learn. Each year an evaluation of the Childs progress is made and the child either graduates or must repeat the year and the lessons, until they have been learned.

I believe this to be similar to our successive lives. Our spiritual essence is place in a physical body. That physical body is place in an earthly environment that will provide us with the opportunities to grow that each of us individually need. On death, we leave that physical body to face an evaluation day. This evaluation before God, the Heavenly Angels together with your own Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides is a very loving review of your progress. If you fail evaluation then hell is the place you’ll suffer in.

I do not know how many different levels of lessons we must past through until we “graduate” to Heaven. I just know God and his appointed Angels are there to help us every step of the way.

This belief possible explains why I do not fear death. I wish I could say I feel I have learned all the lessons. I know I have learned some but not all, I am sure. I am just not prepared to face God. We were supposed to lead a peaceful life but we messed it up with every possible thing be it politics, personal problems, relationship issues, backstabbers, friends and every mess we go through every day.

I dont believe in reincarnation. We go through a series of physical lives, each specifically designed to provide situations where we are presented with opportunities to grow spiritually. Learning something even like patience could be an example. If it is something we need to learn, we could be put in a life setting were we must accept and learn it. This is one final chance prove it.

I believe every thing that happens in this life, happens for a reason. Now to understand the reason why things do happen is beyond me, they just do. Based on our personal will, sometimes these things are to our liking sometimes they are not but they do happen.

Now, I have written of how of late I have been feeling just plain to lazy to do much, lots of reasons why, but I am not even going to get into them. I needed a push or an inspiration to get me up and moving and even back to blogging. I also believe the good Lord will send someone into our lives, when we need them and they will give us that push or inspiration. Now that is exactly what has happened to me over the past few days.

Now, why did I even start this blog? Creating a bit of a legacy I suppose, sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings….. But also by sharing this leg of my earthly journey, I hoped to give a better understanding and a place of support for both those in my condition and the families. Over time it seemed to evolve to the point where I am trying in my own rambling way to encourage, urge all to really live life. Appreciate life, live it so that when you reach the last point you are not filled with regrets of time wasted, of things left undone or unsaid.

Now as I write this, it had been my plan to go back in the archives and look some of the posts in which I have encouraged really living life, not wasting any time on negativity. I looked and realized this is post #35, geesh do I ever like to ramble. Now did I mention feeling lazy? Well to lazy to go through all of those, but I know such posts are there.

I have talked about a moment wasted in negativity is a moment of joy lost forever. I am sure I would have given examples of how external forces, other people or situations can if we allow it to spoil our day, IF WE ALLOW IT. Now, I am memory guy, so I am not sure of anything. But I am pretty sure I would have written using my favorite example. A rude or discourteous store clerk or disgruntled fellow employee. They are having a bad day, are in a foul mood and take it out on everyone else, you in this case. Don’t take it personally, they are having a bad day but we don’t have to allow there mood to spoil our own. Instead feel sorry for them, even pray for them. For them to be in such a mood, obviously they are having issues in their own lives. But don’t take it personally.

The first few weeks we were together, my mind was on over-analyzing overdrive. It was understandable – our coming together had been so unexpected and shocking, we had each spent the last months on very emotionally fragile ground – and so I allowed it. I remember feeling stunned at how, despite how completely unexpected this had been, it nonetheless felt right. From the get-go, it felt right. We make total sense together – this was the first positive thought I allowed myself, the first acknowledgment that this was good, that it was o.k. to allow this.

Those first weeks my brain could not stop. There was just too much to accept, to adjust to, too many of my old ghosts coming back to mess with me. In typical Miq’s fashion, the over-analyzing led to our first disagreement, a day-and-a-half that had me feeling terrified (at the intensity of my thoughts) and miserable (because I didn’t want to feel what I felt, and I didn’t want to express any of it, and I didn’t want us to fight about something as abstract as my fears).

Maybe it was then that I made my brain shut off. I could see, however valid all those thoughts and concerns were, that this was no way to go about things. I called to mind instead all that mumbo-jumbo about one day at a time and crossing that bridge when you get to it. I figured those clichés were better than what I had going on at that moment, and that maybe I should stick with them.

I feel like I can’t let these emotions out. My brain keeps telling me to stop, to hold still. It is doing its job – protecting me – and I’m feeling resentful of it because I feel less and less like I need that kind of protection. Here, then, is the crux: my brain is doing what I asked it to do (what I forced it to do), but now, even as this same brain recognizes that I’m in the right place with the right person to let go and dive in, it’s not letting me. My brain knows that if I take that plunge, then that will be it. Everything inside me will tear loose. And while there is no fear that I’m just going to gush everything out like an idiot, there will be a definitive shift, one where the guard will slip, where my heart will have more say and play an equal part in my decision-making.

I am not balanced. I can’t integrate these two parts of myself even though the general tone here – the way this relationship is developing – clearly indicates that this is a good, happy, healthy (safe) place. If I stop and pay attention to what my brain’s been able to figure out, if I take the data from all these months and compute it, the result is this: I am happy. I am with someone who compliments me in so many ways, subtle and not, and whom I admire and respect and whose company has become vital to me. I have something that is fun and tender and honest. I have a real, true friend who excites me to my core.

I am happy. While there are dozens more things I could say about what the data shows, that right there is it. And even though I am happy with a happiness that feels rich and healthy and right, there is still this imbalance between brain and heart, this line that I teeter on, trying simultaneously to be smart but not think, to feel but not be a fool. To just do things right.

As usual, perhaps the answer – the missing link, in this case, between head and heart – is time, and that idea, to take each day as it comes. But I suspect, too, that I could use some courage here, some guts to just take that deep breath and completely dive in.