Posts Tagged ‘anger’

Yesterday, was not a good day felt tired most of the day and today is starting off the same. I keep thinking maybe, instead of fighting the tiredness, I should just throw up when the feeling comes. May be it is nature or something, I don’t know, but I fight the urge until the end. When, I am feeling that way, controlling the tiredness is the only thought in my head. I need sleep. Ah,well when a day starts off like this you know all it can do is get better, always have that to look forward to.

My administrator’s site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.

It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subsides and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.

I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, whatever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.

Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another? The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.

Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what people say (2012 impending). I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death; I just want to delay it as long as possible.

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This is the point where I enter a new chapter, a new place, a new existence in this “life, part 2” of mine.

There has been a shift, one so stark and unignorable that I have very quickly made some important decisions about myself and my life and have begun to act on those.

The other night, I lay in bed, wide awake at 2 a.m., feeling this immense pressure on my chest. Everything about my life felt too overwhelming. I kept thinking about this last year, everything that has happened, how it’s affected me, what it all means for my future; I was wondering how I could continue to carry all this and move forward at the same time, knowing it would be impossible, when in a flash, a wave of anger washed over me.

“What the Hell, man?” That’s exactly what I told myself. “Why am I in this agony when I’m the only one in it? Why am I stressing over other people and whatever shit they have going on in their heads, especially when none of them stress about me?” It was a night where I asked a series of questions of myself – a lot of “why’s” – where I indulged in one final pity party even as I lay there facing some very harsh truths.

And from there, it all took a turn. I realized that (due to a few specific events/reasons) I was living in this suspended state of tension – like when you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in that state, you just can’t move or do much. I’ve been waiting for something to happen – for a change, for words, for something.

And the truth is, there’s nothing. There’s nothing but all that is right in front of me. How can I wait or wonder about or expect something beyond all that is right before me? I am suddenly very aware of how I apply this concept in all aspects of my life: I am always wondering if the people around me are holding back; I’m always waiting for more – for their real feelings, their real thoughts. Why don’t I just take it all at face value? If someone doesn’t say more, or something different, isn’t there a greater chance that they don’t simply because the more or the different is just not there?

So with all this, during that long, torturous night, I realized I had to stop it. I realized I was entitled to my sadness and my anger and my frustration, but that I could not let them control me, nor let them cloud my life. They are there. They will be there for God knows how long. But they are not me, and they don’t have the right to keep robbing me of all the possibilities before me.

It is just that I am so indescribably tired of everything. I am especially tired of myself, of being this person who devotes way too much time and energy and emotion to people and relationships in way that is just too one-sided. I am tired of hope, of thinking that there must be something better, because that notion will keep me tied to an illusion for an indefinite amount of time if I continue with it. I have told myself for months now to keep my chin up, to be hopeful of life, to stay open – blah, blah, blah. For now, it is just done for me. No more. No more of this ridiculous bullshit; I’m over it.

I have realized that there are just some things that I have to accept, whether I like it or not, whether I think it’s fair or not. I just have to accept it. And I have to do whatever it takes to keep my life moving forward, no matter how drastic, no matter the cost. I have had this recurring vision of myself standing still while all around me thousands of tiny axes fall; it is a bizarre but accurate description of what I feel. I am at this point determined to take whatever measures necessary until I am free of this sucking agony that has taken every shred of happiness from me.

I am done – so, so, so done. I miss smiling easily and being light-hearted and in a playful mood; I miss not being so freakishly sensitive and taking everything personally. I miss my self-esteem and self-confidence. So there is no more of this shit. No more me stressing over others, stressing over what they think of me, what they feel (or don’t) for me, stressing over all the ways in which I fail. There is no more me measuring my words, acting cautiously for fear of pissing someone off.

I haven’t got much of a definite plan right now, but the shift that I needed has occurred. And now, I am committed to seeing this through to a better end.

I have been desperately waiting for a exceedingly long time to lay a hand on this topic which might be controversial and irritating to many. The topic doesn’t seem like related to my life but it has a huge affect on your social circle and the people around you. This is mainly vulgarity which people love to show off, I don’t know why but actually it is some sort off a psychological disorder or vital hormonal change. I have always been to co-ed institutes where usually both the sexes draw closer, and as you move up the educational hierarchy the subject tends to diversify. Teenage is the time when people usually feel they should have a boyfriend or girlfriend to look after, share emotions, talk and to look after them. But they forget the limit drawn by their family or guardians.

I may not fidget with the religious perspective but socially people tend to open up quite quickly forgetting they reside in a Muslim state, though they are not Muslims but people around them are. I have noticed a girl who was with me back from by childhood and unfortunately now we study in the same university, this girl had countless number of boyfriends and now I met her last week with her newest boyfriend, she did every impossible thing to her boyfriend that she must not have through. Cant people keep these uncontrollable emotions behind private curtains, why to show people how much you love each other, I am sure there might be cleaner ways to show your love. This is not because I never had a girl friend, but I would never want to show how reproduction takes place on the main boulevard.

I have always heard men are more desperate than the female gender but I estimate it’s the other way round, the boy keeps on resisting and you pull him over and take a smooch. Two kinds of people are very dangerous, a man and a woman who are never concerned about their reputation and or being exterminated may turn out to be a prostitute or a sharp shooter (Killer). These people are the most defective ones and I guess the girl I have mentioned above is the perfect example. I won’t mention her name because I believe she may realize one day that the path she has chosen is the wrong one and money and sex is not the whole thing.

There are plenty of more examples, but I deduce examples won’t do anything without the correct plan of action. If people feel they need to have a collaborator before marriage then why to expose every single thing that should be kept in private. Have you ever seen a married couple practicing kisses and sex in public? If people term this as showing love then according to me its not more than showing people, you are not more than a porn star.

When you know these inexcusable people or you have been together with them in high school then it’s more disgusting because people question you, they ask how much does she take for a night stand. Is she warm in bed? And you feel awkward to answer these repulsive questions. If you defend her then you are moved out with mocking, hissing and false allegations and the only solution is to humiliate her as much as you can to get rid of the shit and be with the bad guys.

I have no right to discuss these people in my blog but these dealings affect me in some way or the other. I guess people feel proud of what they do or how strong their bond is but why don’t these shit heads thinks socially, morally and ethically? You go on a date, sit right on each other and become the centre of lure, do these people suffer from inferiority complex or they are the better-quality class of the society? Is it westernization? If it is then soon we are going to have nude beaches and brothels all over the country. Even people in countries like India avoid exposing relationships publicly.

I never had a problem with people having temporary partners or the way they meet (hug, shake hands) but this action of vulgarity has really pissed me off from the day I have seen the girl I have mentioned previously. I may not reference it from any religious or holy book, but we have 2 approaches, religiously and ethically. This is the ethical approach. Even the agnostics/atheists who belong to no religion tend to follow ethics.