Posts Tagged ‘death’

I am a bit of a “gimp” and so do have a lot of spare time on my hands. Different thoughts rattle around this hear of mine. I know my days are indeed numbered. I don’t know that that number of days is. I do know that whatever number of days I do have, will in the end not be enough. As I sit here thinking, I realize that I am sure applies to almost everyone. No matter how many days we are gifted with on this earth as it draws to a close we will wish for and want more days.

That sadly is largely out of our hands. Lives do have an expiration date. That is an unchangeable fact it is an inevitable fact for everyone of us.

We though are not entirely powerless in this whole process. We can’t change the end result but we can change what we do with our time, how we live our lives, right up until that last moment whenever it may be. So very many times I have written live life don’t just endure it. I imagine everyone would agree that is a wonderful idea but how do you get to do it? Life is so very hectic these days. We are all caught up on the frantic treadmill of life. It seems every moment of every day is already stretched to the breaking point as we struggle to just get through each day. I know I did that for years and years.

I don’t know how to word this so it makes sense. Being told you are dying can be a “good” thing. Now by good, I mean it really gives your head a shake and opens your eyes. It opens your eyes in that suddenly you see things differently. You are better able to really see the priorities in your life. OK, the dying part kind of sucks but the experience of having your eyes really opened and to be able to see life as it really is, is wonderful. I do know I certainly would have lived much of my life differently if in the past I had been able to see things as I do today. Can we learn from the mistakes of others, yes? Will we learn, I don’t know, that is up to the individual.

I have this saying bouncing around in my head; I am not sure where I got it. I am sure it is too good to be a Miqdad’s original, ah who knows.

Faith will not necessarily help you avoid the storms in life, it will though teach you to dance in the rain. As we travel the highway of life we will indeed encounter storm after storm, issue after issue, problem after problem. That is life and in that way it is no different for any of us. The individual issues will differ but overall the journey is about the same. The only difference is how we weather those storms, are we devastated or have we learned to dance in the rain.

When I say devastated that may be too strong a word for a lot of situations, but you get the idea. I am talking about the trivial little issues in life that just seem to hit us the wrong way. We get all fired up and allow it to spoil our day. The sort of thing that in 3 months you aren’t even going to remember it anyway. OR, do we just think, “well that is kind of annoying but oh well it isn’t that big a deal.” We carry on enjoying our day. We make the best of a situation.

There are thousands of example I could use. I will pick just one that could very well be a big one for many.

Suppose you have a job, any job, it doesn’t matter, but you just hate it. You hate it so much you dread going to work every day, you are miserable every moment of every day. Well the obvious answer would be start looking around and get yourself a different job.
What do you do though if for anyone of hundreds of reasons, financial, location or whatever, getting a different job is simply out of the question and yes there are such reasons. What do you do then?

Change what you can and I do mean what you can and learn to live with or accept the other. If you find there is something you simply must live with, learn to live with it. Try to make the best of it, learn to dance in the rain. Sometimes all we can change is ourselves and our own attitudes. I used the job situation as an example but this applies to virtually every area of our lives, attitude is key. We ourselves decide if we are living life or enduring it. What are your thoughts?

Wow, be glad I used spell checker today plus I really hope the storm expectation today is wrong and diverts somewhere else.

Good Day 🙂

Yesterday, was not a good day felt tired most of the day and today is starting off the same. I keep thinking maybe, instead of fighting the tiredness, I should just throw up when the feeling comes. May be it is nature or something, I don’t know, but I fight the urge until the end. When, I am feeling that way, controlling the tiredness is the only thought in my head. I need sleep. Ah,well when a day starts off like this you know all it can do is get better, always have that to look forward to.

My administrator’s site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.

It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subsides and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.

I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, whatever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.

Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another? The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.

Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what people say (2012 impending). I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death; I just want to delay it as long as possible.

I am trying my best to be I suppose you could call it a student of life. In my own way I am trying to learn and understand more about life in general and of people all people. To get a better understanding of actions and reactions to situations in life. What I am learning is of how little I really know or understand. Sounds strange maybe but I realize the more I think I learn the less I realize I understand???? A few examples of the things that having me going, HUH???

Now, I think it is a fair statement to make, that, the vast majority of people do not want to die. Now that sounds pretty straight forward and simple. I can easily understand that, I can relate to that. Now here is the part I just do not understand. We do not want to die so obviously we want to go on living, our lives are precious to us. Again, I can certainly relate. Now here is the part I don’t understand. We all recognize and appreciate how precious our lives are, how precious our time on this planet is. But, do we really? We each know our individual time here is limited, we see how precious it is, but what are we doing with it? Why do we take time for granted always assuming there will be many tomorrows in which we can enjoy life. I think we live with so many thoughts of the future we forget to live today. Not sure where I heard this: “Life is not about learning how to weather a storm; it is about learning how to dance in the rain.” Thank about that as you go about your day.

As a society it seems to me anyway, that we are only comfortable dealing with or even thinking about death and dying when it is maybe in the abstract almost. By that I mean when it is happening to people far far away. People that we are not related to or associated with in anyway and somehow talking about them dying is an “OK” subject. Or, at least it doesn’t seem to make us feel as uncomfortable. Suddenly though if the topic hits closer to home it becomes more uncomfortable, we don’t want to talk about it or even think about it. Is it the fear of loss that affects us so deeply. A loved one passes and we have a really sense of loss. It is not only a sense of loss but a real loss in our lives. Without that person there our lives are changed forever, no denying that. Our lives are changed yes but can be and will be just as good with time. i have to wonder, we are grieving a loss, is that our main fear in this whole thing. We are grieving our own personal loss what is missing out of our lives. I don’t know are we really grieving more for ourselves than the other person. I don’t know that was just a thought that popped into my head.

What about if we are facing our own passing? Well actually that statement applies to every single person on this planet, it is just the timing. Struggling with wording, does that make sense? Can we become so obsessed with not wanting to lose our lives that we forget to live them while we still can?

Wow, I really got off track here as I rambled on. I’ve got to share a new perspective. It is when you lose people in terms of relationships. When people get into relationships or what you call friends with benefits, this is time when their priorities change; they value their partner more and dike you whenever they want to. This is so unfair. For the past six months this happens frequently with me. What to do? I can’t get any solutions to this issue. Then I thought how about we be the same with them and talk to them the way we used to. They may realize some day that they were wrong and come back to you, but this technique of mine seems to be a heart eiderdown, it’s not working too. Good luck to all those people who fall in this category.

As this was the last post of this file, I’ll take a week off before I start a new file.

Good Day 🙂

I have started something I have never done before. I have started to go back and read my own posts. What can I say other than, do I ever like to ramble. I am going to pick out posts or bits of posts from the past that have special meaning to me. I will be republishing them. I have done over 95 posts, I have a hard time believing that but that is what the stats say. I am sure not many have gone way back when to read. In doing this it also allows me to see how I have evolved over the time of the blog.

Now let me make my thoughts on this very clear. Sympathy and pity have NO PLACE in my world. Sadness, OK. Sadness, only because we will be parted temporarily and will naturally miss each other.

With my memory these days I am never sure if I read this somewhere or if this is my own thought. I just know this helped me tremendously when a besty passed away. I loved him dearly and still do and always will. I hope I can find the right words to really express what I am trying to say.

Use your imagination and try to picture this scenario. By some chance your loved one get a chance to go on a fantastic voyage, say a yearlong cruise around the world. You know your loved one would have a fantastic time, the time of their lives. Lets further suppose, the trip has already been booked and nothing short of a miracle will stop them from going. How would you react?

Would you be there, being lovingly supportive in their preparations for the voyage? Hoping and praying only for their happiness and well being. It is a given that you will miss them. You are comforted knowing you will see them again and out of love, make the choice to put their well being ahead of our own. I mean it would be so unfair to hope or think they should miss out on such an opportunity just because we will miss them. We joyously help in their preparations spending quality, happy time before they leave. Tearful good byes are said hugs are exchanged and off they go.

Or, Even though you know the trip is booked and that they will have a wonderful time, do you react differently. Even selfishly, out of our own fear of missing them and being lonely, we feel miserable. We cry and maybe even try to talk them into canceling the trip, “you can’t go I will miss you too much”.

Through our own selfishness we want to deny them the trip the joy, the happiness that would come with it. They are leaving anyway, but we have turned what could have been a love filled farewell into a time of personal sorrow for ourselves. We realize our loved one may be nervous, apprehensive and a little scared, this is indeed something new to them a journey never taken before. It reaches the point of no turning back, the voyage must begin, and their departure is imminent. Can we make it a loving, “see you later” or must it be a painful, tear filled goodbye.

I used these thoughts on the passing of my dearly besty. I wished his joy and happiness until we meet again. Did that remove all the sadness no, but it definitely helped. With his passing he went on a wonderful voyage and I do miss him but I know I will be seeing him again

It is kind of a special time for me. It is like a humbling time of gratitude. Sometime today the blog will hit a 3.5k hits. I am in awe wondering how in the world my ramblings have attracted such attention.

With this humble feeling comes almost a feeling of guilt. I know many research, write and edit their posts before putting them up. They put real effort into what they write, I just sit down and type whatever comes to mind, spell check is the only tool or checking I do of anything. That lack of effort compared to what so many others put in just somehow doesn’t seem fair. I am a very blessed a lucky guy.

Every single person on this planet has at least one thing in common. We are all going to die at some point in time. It is inevitable; we cannot escape that reality. This fills most if not all with an over whelming feeling of dread and even fear. The thought of our own mortality is something we just don’t want to even think about much less talk about. To many it is like a taboo subject. Is it like an ostrich putting its head in the sand. If I can’t see it around me and if I don’t think about it maybe it won’t happen to me. Well guess what it is going to happen to you to me and in time to everyone. Can we not bring this taboo subject out of the dark at least enough to be able to talk about it and help others as they deal with it. Am I suggesting that the topic of death and dying be brought so much to the fore front that we become a society so focused on death we just run around daily contemplating our own demise. Of course not that would be ridiculous, so what am I trying to say.

Live our lives to the fullest on a daily basis. So often we endure life rather than live it. For many myself included for many years measured the quality of my life by material possessions and where I saw my life in relation to where I envisioned it being in the future. I was so busy envisioning how my live would be in the future I forgot about living in the day, enjoying the day. It was always my life will be better when: I finish school, I get a job, I have a family……..

As I reached or acheived one milestone another had already taken its place, leaving me still unsatisfied”knowing” it will be better WHEN.

My constant focus on that elusive future “when”, kept me feeling lacking in what I had at the time, a good life.

Hearing those words come out of your doctor’s mouth: you are dying can surprisingly have a very positive impact on your life, if you allow yourself to have that mindset. It can be a real eye opener. Opening your eyes to really see the world for what it is a truly wonderful place. A wonderful place that, yes, is filled with nagging little annoyances. Nagging little annoyances that if we allow enough of them to latch on to us can drag us down to a point we are no longer able to see the forest for the trees.

It is only now that I can look back on my life that I can see I allowed myself to see just how much time I wasted. What at the time seemed like a major crisis, was in the big picture of things nothing but a nagging little annoyance that I blew way out of proportion. Really sad when I think of it. A moment of negativity caused by really nothing but a nagging little annoyance deprived me of so much and it is only now I can see it. A moment spent in negativity is a moment of happiness gone forever. Can we or better put will we allow ourselves to learn from the mistakes of others. I see life differently now by sharing as I am, will others learn from my mistakes, I don’t know.

Living a “good life” takes effort. What do I mean by a good life? Living a life that will allow you to ultimately face your end with no regrets over things said or unsaid, done or undone. Living life is the way to prepare for a good death.

Living throughout our entire lives there are always 2 ways we can look at everything. This applies right up to and including the time when we face our own demise. I have some time left on this earth, how much I don’t know. I love this life of mine so I can either live it to the fullest. Not give up on living it until it is taken from me. Or, I could just give up on it now, curl up in a ball on the floor and become an angry, nasty person to be around, poor me. Why would I give up on living life before it is taken from me.

Along that thought line, this came to mind. I can’t change my future, I have no control over that. What I can control is the final lasting memories I leave behind.

To all my family and dear blogging friends, on this milestone post. I thank you for the prayers and loving support. Ponder over this post.

I am starting to feel better. Physically, I have been getting lots of rest and that has helped perk me up. I have sought the comfort of my meditation chair and that has done wonders for my mood and attitude. It seems when I get bad news it gets me all fired up and takes a few days for me to get my head wrapped around it. I suppose that comes from my human mind and heart that constantly wants my will to be done.

I pray daily for God’s will to be done in my life, still with this pesky free will thing. Generally, I am a pretty laid back, relaxed kind of guy. Very few things in regular day to day life ruffle my feathers or bother me at all. Last weeks thingy is not I would classify as a regular day to day thing and it did hit me kind of hard. It is sort of like

I have thought about it, worried about it and prayed about it.

This is God.  Today I will be handling All of your problems for you.  I do Not need your help.  So, have a nice day.
I love you. And, remember…. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself!  Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME.  All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.  Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. Should you decide to send this to a friend; thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know! This is for my dearest thing (My Champion).

Now, you have a nice day.
God

It so nicely puts into words the thoughts and feelings I already know and was gently being lead to focus on in the meditation chair

Realistically my life expectancy has been shortened. Now the key word there is expectancy. Look at me here I am still going long after anyone ever expected and I have no plans on checking out any time soon. OK, that is based on my plans; I guess we will have to see. So my dearest thing(My Champion) should chill around and not worry.

As I think of it I realize it isn’t the amount of time we have on this earth that is most important. It is indeed what we do with what time we have. How we live it, how we enjoy it. I do know of some that while maybe physically doing just fine have seemingly already died inside. They are not live but rather enduring life, such a waste, so sad.

NO ONE know how long they have on this earth. Why do so many just take it for granted they have years and years to go and I do hope and pray they do. Take nothing for granted, start really living life today.

There was something about the way everything happened that made me think I’d be a fool to ever allow anyone in my life in any significant way. But I felt that, deeply and clearly. I felt that I couldn’t go through something so devastating, to have failed so spectacularly, then just start up with someone new as if none of that had happened. I thought the scars would be too many, the baggage too heavy.

More than anything, though, I thought about love. And what I thought was, that’s not something I deserve. You don’t fail in this way, you don’t put people in the middle of this mess, and then think you get some happiness when the dust settles. I wasn’t on some martyr trip; I just didn’t think I had the right to it. Why should I get to have anything beautiful and good when the thing I thought I was fighting so hard for was the very thing I killed?

Also, the truth was that my stomach churned at the mere thought of having real feelings for anyone again. I could date, I could screw, I could find endless distractions – but I could not love. Didn’t want to. Didn’t want the headache, the stress, the heartache. No one would ever be worth the pain again, because for me, love has always been synonymous with suffering (love in every sense be it family or friends). I’d seen what effort and giving and honesty had gotten me: nothing. Or rather, my heart handed to me on a platter and my life, ripped apart.

Yeah, love? Not worth it. I knew I had the capacity to love, and that based on the kind of person I am, that I would not become cynical towards love or close myself to those kinds of feelings. I just did not think I could really allow it into my life; I’ll leave all of it for my bride… I guess before marriage this is more of desperation/Infatuation than love…what say?

I’ve spent countless nights ruminating about love. I will never know the answer to that, and in a way, the answer doesn’t even matter.

Life is a bit uncertain. Don’t know when death strikes. So should I wait to get married and have children, I am referring to the legal style of getting married. How about hooking up with a girl, enjoying all the pre-marriage luxuries and then dying without regretting that you never had a girl. So what say? Enjoy a girl in your life now or wait for the right time. I guess waiting for the right time seems more appropriate, socially, religiously and ethically.

When I pray I speak to God, when I meditate I slow my mind enough to hopefully hear His reply. Now it really would be nice if during meditation I was actually able to hear His voice and get His message. Sadly, for me it just doesn’t work that way. All I hear is the silence of the room.
What I do find though is so very often is that after the meditation even a day or two later a thought will just seemingly come to mind out of nowhere. It may be a new thought on some sort of issue I am dealing with. It may be a thought I have already had but suddenly see it from a slightly different angle. I can’t explain it I just know it helps me.
Right now I have two of those out of nowhere thoughts running around in my head. They have a lot of running room in this bowling ball head of mine.
I have heard or read a phrase that is to the effect: “No one said life would be fair or easy, just that it is good.”
Life is good, I have written that many many times. I just don’t have the words to really adequately describe how good it is.
In an email I had a question posed to me. If I had just minutes to give one last message, what would it be? My answer today would be simply: “stop wasting time on life, just live it”
Now what do I mean by wasting time on life? Maybe this is where the two thoughts rambling around in my head come together. Life is not always fair or easy, but it is good. I think maybe it would be better put to say: “life can be good and is as good as we choose to make it.” Life isn’t always fair it seems, other people aren’t always fair to us.” To that I say, accept it as a fact of life, the way the world works bad things can happen to good people.
Here is where I get to the wasting time part. (Finally). Other people’s actions or attitudes do not have to affect me, that is unless I allow it to. Any single moment of time spent in any sort of negative manner is a moment of joy lost forever. Ask yourself this, how much time on a daily basis do you spend with your mind set in a negative manner? This is the wasted time I am referring to. I usually do that and I’m working to change these negative thoughts to a more positive ones.
Now, I can just imagine many automatically thinking to themselves. “Yeah, that is fine for him to say. If he knew what my life was like. If he knew all that I have to deal with, he would understand my situation is different.”
Everyone is going to think their situation is different, that they are being treated so badly that it is impossible to get any joy out of life. The actions of others reflect on themselves, affecting us only if we allow it.
I know, I know: “IT IS JUST NOT FAIR”.Look at the big picture of life and stop wasting time on the meaningless little things that sap our strength and deprive us of love and joy. So that could be scandals affecting your reputations, the daily gossip, hooking up with a girlfriend and wasting nights, friends are far more better.
Being treated “fairly” is something I have had to deal with of late. I ask you this. Please take a moment and really think about your life. Think about both the good and the “bad”. Try to put the entire picture in prospective. Now I know if you have that negative mind set going on, it may even be difficult to see the positive or at least much of it. The perceived negatives may far out way any positives you see.
OK, now think about this and I ask if you think this is fair. I will be 21 in a few months. Now is this fair? I have a gimpy heart that I know could give out at virtually any time. Heart failure with edema, I need pills to sleep. Migraine, slight asthama, and plus week lungs that can die anytime, pushing me to lung transplant probably…. is having all of that fair. OK, you looked at your life and at mine. Want to trade places?
Life may not always seem fair, but it is so worth it. See past the little annoyances, let them roll off you like water off of a ducks back. Remember today’s big issues likely will have even been forgotten in a couple of months, so is it worth spoiling your day today. let it go.
Wow I am full of “sayings” today. There is another one to the effect: “The Good Lord will never lead us anywhere, in which He will not be there to help us through.”
So this was one last blog from the third file. I can die anytime. Life is fun, the issues, depressions and frustrations in life are man-made. God never whispered to put yourself on the lane prohibited. So life was fun, I made it worth living socially, religiously I am blank…