Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Yesterday, was not a good day felt tired most of the day and today is starting off the same. I keep thinking maybe, instead of fighting the tiredness, I should just throw up when the feeling comes. May be it is nature or something, I don’t know, but I fight the urge until the end. When, I am feeling that way, controlling the tiredness is the only thought in my head. I need sleep. Ah,well when a day starts off like this you know all it can do is get better, always have that to look forward to.

My administrator’s site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.

It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subsides and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.

I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, whatever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.

Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another? The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.

Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what people say (2012 impending). I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death; I just want to delay it as long as possible.


Hey, I am a greedy guy, enough is never enough with me, I still want more.

Prior to the day, I am asking everyone to perform a random act of kindness. I know everyone performs countless acts of kindness on a daily basis in spite of our hectic lives. Most such acts we just sort of stumble upon, perform and carry on without a second thought. This is wonderful.

What I am asking is for everyone to specifically look for and then perform just one more. For whom the act is performed doesn’t matter, the size of or even what the act is doesn’t matter, tha amount of time it may take doesn’t matter.

What matters most to me is that we carry in us an awareness of looking for opportunities to help another. Speaking for myself, I know I spent most of my life very self absorbed, so busy trying to get through my own day that I so often failed to even notice those around me. There is a wonderful world out there. We just need to see past our own little worlds to see this wonderful world around us. Contained within the hearts of people all around the world is so much love, so much kindness, it is beyond anything we could measure. The love the kindness is there we just have to find a way to put it to use. Love and kindness are like renewable resources, the amount available is unending, we just need to put it to use.

At the top of this page is a row of titles, each of these representing a different page I have set up to accompany this, the main blog. Please click on the one titled “A Post to Conclude (File:Belief)”.  Here I ask people to put 5 minutes a week into their busy schedules. Now I don’t care how busy your life is if you honestly feel you can’t fit in 5 minutes a week you are fooling yourself.

Why am I asking for these acts of kindness? There are 2 reasons. The first is obvious. You have lightened the load, brightened the day of the one you have helped. To me, just as importantly or even more importantly you have helped yourself.

How have you helped yourself? The acts of kindness I am asking for are ones that come from the heart. No reward or recognition is expected or wanted and will even be declined if offered. We leave that situation with such a warm glow in our hearts. We leave it knowing, I just did something, not because I had to, not because it was expected of me. I did it just because I was there and I wanted to, I am a good person. This warm glow in your heart is the nicest feeling you can have. It actually grows and increases with each successive act. I grow inside as a person as I come to realize I am a good person. Please give it a try.

Here we are I finally get to my last request.

While you are here visting, please leave me a short comment telling me what your act of kindness was. It will not be seen as you seeking recognition for your act. I will instead be seen as a further act of kindness. A further act of kindness first to the whole world. Reading of what you did may spark and idea in someone else causing them to do the same thing or something similar. It may also lift the spirits of many causing them to realize, kindness is real, and it does exist in this world. This world of ours is not just the doom and gloom we are generally bombarded with in the news. Good people are out there and I want to be one of them. I want to do my bit to make this world a kinder and better place.

Lastly, I ask that you leave me these comments for myself I realize it is selfish of me to ask for something for myself. I would consider reading these comments as an act of kindness. Just to let me know I am doing some good with all of this.

Have a Good Day

Had a really excellent day yesterday, enjoying wonderful company. It all really re-enforced the knowing that love is really what is most important in this world. This world of ours truly is a most wondrous place. We just need to take the time to stop look around and enjoy it.

A dear friend yesterday also suggested I check out a site,wonderofitall

Now I didn’t actually time it but it is only maybe a minute long, but what a powerful message contained within that minute. I have been back and watch it 5 or 6 times and each time I do I seem to get more out of it. The title pretty much says it all, the wonder of it all. This struck me as such that I could do many many posts on what it contains and over time I’m sure I will. I certainly encourage all to read it, but I mean read it and think about what you are reading and not just skim through, it will be well worth your time.

At one point it asks a question, wording to the effect, have you ever stood on the shore of an ocean and just looked out. The vastness of the ocean can leave you in awe, as it on the horizon it seems to stretch right to the sky. The sheer vastness, the magnitude of what you are seeing can leave you in awe. Now this refers to the ocean but it would equally apply to a mountain, forest or really anything in nature. We are in awe at the sheer size and beauty of what we see.
We are in even greater awe when we realize that everything we see as huge as it is, is only one small part of all that there is within this wonderful world of ours. No matter how far we can see, it is still only one small part, one really minuscule little part of the wonders, of the beauty of this world.

The more I thought about it, the more clearly I could actually see how this applies to our lives. We can look to our future as we see it may be, we can look to our past, we can look to our sides and see all the events that are currently happening around us. No matter where we look or how hard we look, all we will see is one tiny, minuscule bit of the overall picture of our lives.

The world is filled with beauty and wonders that stretch far beyond our eyes, what we can see at any given moment represents just one very small part of the big picture, the true beauty stretches far beyond what we can see. Also with our lives, truly what we can see at any one given moment only represents just one very small part of the overall big picture.

Beauty and wonders in life surround us, sadly it may often be just beyond our sight range, or at least so it seems when we are in the midst of a crisis. Another wonder is that life is a journey; we do not remain or should not remain stagnant in any one spot. As we travel this journey we can always be comforted by knowing that the true beauty may be just around the next corner on the road.

I need to remember this when faced with the next “crisis” in my life. Great beauty and wonders surround me.
At the moment my range of sight may not be great enough to see over the horizon or past my field of woe. But, I am on a journey. If somehow I could magically look at the road map of my life. I would the more clearly be able to see any “crisis” really only represents on small bump in the road. Or possibly be seen as a construction site on the road. A construction site in which it was I that needed to learn to more successfully avoid, the potholes in the road.

It really does give me a lot to think about.

So final post for this file “Belief”,

I invite all to join together with me. A group of friends doing our part to make the lives of others better. With every act of kindness, we do in fact make the world a little bit better. We do this simply because we can, because we care about others, all others people all people, we care about the world.

I once heard what I consider to be a very good definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing, in the same way over and over again and still being upset or disappointed when the results come out unchanged.” This applies to our very lives, if we day after day continue to do the same thing, in the same way, how can we expect there to be any change. Change of any sort must begin from within, within each and everyone of us. As people change, so will the world.

I invite and encourage all to join my very non-exclusive group of friends. All are welcome, no restrictions of any kind. I have read in many places that people become more committed to something if they have signed a document of commitment. So in that regard I have set up this new page title “Spirit within me”. The word “me” should be read as applying to each individual and definitely not me, as in Miqdad. It represents the spirit contained with each of you. I hope people will sign up and take membership in the group as a serious commitment.

OK, what is the group about. It is just a group of friends joining together to try in any small way to bring about changes within themselves, writing and sharing blogs, within the lives of others and ultimately to the world.

Is there a cost to belong to this group? YES, but not a monetary cost. The cost is something much more precious than mere money. The cost is spending some of your precious time. How much time? Five minutes a week. I don’t care how busy anyone’s life is, there is no one that can honestly say they couldn’t squeeze in 5 minutes a week. How is that 5 minutes of precious time to be spent? Actively looking for and performing an extra act of kindness. It is to be preformed for another, to whom doesn’t matter, the size of the act doesn’t matter. What matters is that we all take the time, even just 5 minutes a week to look for a way to perform an act of kindness.

Second, requirement. If any thanks is offered we decline to accept it. Instead state only that the only thanks you require or request is that this person, repay you by passing on another act of kindness be passed on to yet another. Think of the ripples we are creating.

Benefits, unlimited, gained from the peace and love to be contained within our hearts. That warm fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing I did something good, not because I had to but simply because I wanted to.

A Unique group, built for a cause 🙂

I have commented many times on how I appreciate all comments and of how I read and reread them all. I have thought different times of inviting people to just ask me any questions they may have of me. This thought was brought to mind again yesterday with a comment I received from “just ordinary”. I am receptive to any questions and would do my best to answer based on my own thoughts and experiences. I am not a doctor and would be reluctant to go into the medical area beyond my own symptoms. If anyone has questions please feel free to ask away.

This brings me back to the question asked by just ordinary. Have I always believed in God? Simple answer is yes, always. I have never had a great awakening or anything like that; I can only imagine it was my parent’s thoughts and teachings that gave me this belief. I must have been very very young as I can’t actually remember any time in which they spoke of it and keep reminding me of it. It is just a strong belief I have always carried with me. I am not what you consider to be a religious man and rarely went to mosque except for weddings and funerals, this is nothing to be proud of but still I regret.
I am embarrassed to admit but even with the knowledge of our Father my side for the majority of my life, I did things my way. I knew what best for me. As I think now and looking back I realize there was a point where maybe I had an awakening or a realization, I am not sure how to word it. This was back before my serious health problems had actually begun. I was in the midst of a major life crisis. I was going through what for me was a very painful phase. I was depressed, felt lost, realizing my life wasn’t going at all the way I had envisioned or planned. I came to the realization that doing things “my way” wasn’t giving me the life I wanted so desperately. Slowly I turned to my faith and started putting my beliefs into practice instead of just having them tucked away somewhere in the back of my mind.

Reality came as a bit of a shock to me. I actually had thought I was “a good practicing Muslim but I wasn’t”. I mean I then was going to Mosque regularly, I prayed. I mean what more could I do. I suppose maybe I was taking it for granted. I knew God was there and he would take care of me. When I prayed I realized I was just mumbling a bunch of words out of habit or out of the feeling that is what I should do, with no real thought of meaning to them. The day these problems ended I was all the same again.

I found as I slowly truly turned to my faith instead of just paying lip service to it, my life began to change. I always believed God was with me and he was. Always there willing and waiting to help. I just had to turn to him and be willing to accept that help. The more I turned to my faith the more my life began to change. Now, I just think, man, would my life have been so much easier so much better if I had just done that 10 years earlier.

I suppose it could be said I moved the beliefs I have always had, from just in my head, to being in my heart. As my faith has declined, I can’t describe the embarrassment that it has brought me.

I am trying my best to be I suppose you could call it a student of life. In my own way I am trying to learn and understand more about life in general and of people all people. To get a better understanding of actions and reactions to situations in life. What I am learning is of how little I really know or understand. Sounds strange maybe but I realize the more I think I learn the less I realize I understand???? A few examples of the things that having me going, HUH???

Now, I think it is a fair statement to make, that, the vast majority of people do not want to die. Now that sounds pretty straight forward and simple. I can easily understand that, I can relate to that. Now here is the part I just do not understand. We do not want to die so obviously we want to go on living, our lives are precious to us. Again, I can certainly relate. Now here is the part I don’t understand. We all recognize and appreciate how precious our lives are, how precious our time on this planet is. But, do we really? We each know our individual time here is limited, we see how precious it is, but what are we doing with it? Why do we take time for granted always assuming there will be many tomorrows in which we can enjoy life. I think we live with so many thoughts of the future we forget to live today. Not sure where I heard this: “Life is not about learning how to weather a storm; it is about learning how to dance in the rain.” Thank about that as you go about your day.

As a society it seems to me anyway, that we are only comfortable dealing with or even thinking about death and dying when it is maybe in the abstract almost. By that I mean when it is happening to people far far away. People that we are not related to or associated with in anyway and somehow talking about them dying is an “OK” subject. Or, at least it doesn’t seem to make us feel as uncomfortable. Suddenly though if the topic hits closer to home it becomes more uncomfortable, we don’t want to talk about it or even think about it. Is it the fear of loss that affects us so deeply. A loved one passes and we have a really sense of loss. It is not only a sense of loss but a real loss in our lives. Without that person there our lives are changed forever, no denying that. Our lives are changed yes but can be and will be just as good with time. i have to wonder, we are grieving a loss, is that our main fear in this whole thing. We are grieving our own personal loss what is missing out of our lives. I don’t know are we really grieving more for ourselves than the other person. I don’t know that was just a thought that popped into my head.

What about if we are facing our own passing? Well actually that statement applies to every single person on this planet, it is just the timing. Struggling with wording, does that make sense? Can we become so obsessed with not wanting to lose our lives that we forget to live them while we still can?

Wow, I really got off track here as I rambled on. I’ve got to share a new perspective. It is when you lose people in terms of relationships. When people get into relationships or what you call friends with benefits, this is time when their priorities change; they value their partner more and dike you whenever they want to. This is so unfair. For the past six months this happens frequently with me. What to do? I can’t get any solutions to this issue. Then I thought how about we be the same with them and talk to them the way we used to. They may realize some day that they were wrong and come back to you, but this technique of mine seems to be a heart eiderdown, it’s not working too. Good luck to all those people who fall in this category.

As this was the last post of this file, I’ll take a week off before I start a new file.

Good Day 🙂

A positive attitude is everything. In virtually every situation there are 2 ways of looking at things. One more positive, one more negative. Well I am being put to the test on that one today.

Something has really been made clear in my mind over the past several months. It is clear because I realize I have been doing it.

I am a bit of a hypocrite in that daily I pray for God’s will to be done in my life. I pray for that because that is what I would like to be. Could there possibly be a better way to live your live than by God’s will. I don’t think so.

Even knowing this, when things don’t go exactly according to “my” will or the way I would like them to go, I can get a little pouty, throwing myself a poor me party. It can be a lot easier having one of those parties than it can be to leave it. It is so easy to get into the mindset, “my life would be so much better, if only…….”. For each of us individually there are dozens of things we can point at and say, “If only”. If only this hadn’t happened or that had happened. I only he/she hadn’t done this or had done that. If only I had more money. The list could be endless. Why does it seem it is so much easier to focus on the negative than the positive? I am not sure, could it be it makes it easier for us as humans to deal with our lives if we attach blame to someone or something for any problems we have in life.

I had seen now that by playing the blame game we are abdicating responsibility for our lives. It is sort of like, “my life sucks but it isn’t my fault”. Maybe everyone needs to just take a moment an think to themselves, “Who’s life is it?” It is mine and it is my responsibility to deal with it and to live it. Many may try to tell me how to live it, but when it comes down to it, it is my life and I must live it. Ultimately, it is up to me, I must make the choices for my own life.

Well I finally left my pity party and gave the door a good slam on the way out.

I suppose if I were to have a mantra for life it would be, there are always 2 ways you can look at everything. I know I have written about that many times in the past. Here are some of my issues and the spin I have chosen to put on them.

Poor me, my physical limitations mean I can’t even cut the grass anymore. OR, hey, OK I can’t cut the grass as quickly as I once could. What was once maybe a 30 minute job now takes all day. I do it in bits and pieces with lots of breaks thrown in. I get to spend a nice day outside. It isn’t like I really had anything else planned. So what’s the big deal.

Poor me, I have lost a lot of my physical strength. OR, when I was a little younger I used to lift a lot of weights and was proud of my physical strength. What did that get me, whenever someone needed help moving something really heavy, who did they call? Hey, now I get to just relax at home.

Poor me, my life expectancy isn’t as long as I would like it to be. Well that kind of sucks no matter how I look at it, BUT, the key word in that phrase is expectancy. No one knows how long I have any more than is know how long anyone has. What is important is, I am not dead yet that I do have this moment,. I am responsible for living my life and that is what I am going to do, live it rather than endure it.

A friend ditches you, you hold him/her responsible why? In the first place you should not have got attached to him/her when you know deattaching was not that easy. Every day we head towards a puddle of quicksand and when we’re drowning we play the blame game. People don’t realize you’ve to be the one responsible.

How many things have you heard being described with the words, “the more you put into it the more you will get out of it?” I am sure we have all heard this at least a few times. Often I have heard it relating to some sort of training course or learning opportunity. The more effort we put in the more we will learn and take away with us. Makes perfect sense to me.

How about in our daily lives? Couldn’t live in some ways be considered like a classroom? A classroom where we are continually given lessons to learn and problems to solve. In this class room are the “problems” really problems or are they additional ways to learn the lessons of life? I consider life to be one gigantic classroom where I am given ample opportunities to learn about life, about how to deal with issues, about how to become a better and stronger person.

For me one of the biggest lessons in life has been the lesson on love. We all have it within our hearts. We have the desire to share it and to equally feel it coming back. Love truly is what makes the world go round. This magical feeling of love can seemingly be elusive at times, but it is all around us. To feel it we just have to open our hearts. A closed or fearful heart will not our own love shine through to the world, it will also close us off from feeling it being returned. A closed heart can sit bitterly on the sidelines watching life pass us by. An open heart is full of love and joy enjoying life rather than just watching it pass us by.

How can we open our hearts is by chance they are closed, or open then even wider as the case may be? We can do this by giving to others. It may be asked how can giving to others open my heart or do me any good at all. It warms your heart; it opens your heart for love to flow in both directions, simple as that.

Now, I am not talking the sort of situation where your are compelled or forced to give, that just creates resentment. I am talking about the sort of giving that opens the heart, the kind of giving that was not expected of us. The situations where we see we can help another person just because we are good and loving people, no reward or thanks is expected and is even declined if offered.

Through this giving, the simple sharing of love and kindness will reap such tremendous rewards for each of us individually. The warm loving, fuzzy feeling you can get inside. The feeling that comes from knowing, I did that, I did something nice not because I had to but because I wanted to. It is an amazing feeling, try it out, you will like it.

The size of these acts of kindness doesn’t matter, to whom they are given doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we as individuals did them because we could and we wanted to. It doesn’t have to be anything big, a single smile can light up the world, a few words or encouragement can change a life.

I have been asked do I think a single person can change the world and to that I answer, YES. Think of it, every single little act of kindness makes one small part of the world a better place, maybe even just for a moment or two, but we did make it a better place. If we each did our part doing even a bit, soon all those bits could add up to a whole lot.

There is something strange happening in this house. There is a young guy living in my mirror, every time I look in the mirror I see him there. Now how did that happen? Every time I look in the mirror, there he is geesh. This guy in the mirror obviously looks clumsier every time I see him. Every time he leaves with the intention of not returning but his comical face with a clumsy nose is back!!!

It is strange in that I do face that mirror at least 10 or 12 times a day between shaving, brushing teeth, washing……. but i guess I never really look at the reflection. I suppose I am concentrating more on the task at hand. This morning I was brushing my teeth and I am not sure what prompted me to do it but I really looked at that guy staring back at me. I am sure glad I have been getting all those emails about how it is good to grow and look old. lol. Actually, none of this bothers me in the slightest.

This all brought to mind something my dear mother used to tell me, way way back when.

Everyday at some time you are going to have to face yourself in the mirror. When you do look beyond the physical person you see looking back at you. Look at yourself as a person who you are. Get past the physical appearance and ask yourself, am I happy, content even a little proud to be the person I see staring back at me in the mirror. As you stare at your reflection ask yourself, am I the person I want to be, living the life I want to live. If in fact the answer to any of those questions is no, then ask yourself, OK, what am I going to do about it? She was a great believer in every or any single moment in time was the perfect time for a new beginning or to start a change. Putting it off was just wasting time.

Dwelling in or fretting about the past will ruins your today and possibly spoil your tomorrow. A new beginning is exactly that, beginning a new, the past is gone let it go, concentrate on today. Now by her definition though the past was gone and should be left alone. EXCEPT for yesterday, that one day only.

As you look into that mirror think of yesterday. Am I satisfied with my behaviour etc. on that day? If not what am I going to do to make amends, or learn from it. What am I going to do to ensure, what ever it may have been doesn’t happen again.

Some how that message has struck with me over the years. I can look back to my champion and the days that were maybe a little bit wilder days. There were days when I dreaded the thought of facing myself in that mirror. Maybe there weren’t enough of these times, but I do remember a few times when the thought of facing that damn mirror in the morning actually did cause me to stop and think before leaping into action.

I’ve been in a funny place these last couple of months. This new life of mine is very much my own, and I’m happy with it. There has been, among all the other more negative, sadder feelings, a deep sense of gratitude for whatever it is that’s allowed me to believe and feel and know that although my life did not pan out as I wanted it to, it is still a good one, and many wonderful things lie ahead for me.

Time and distance have done a lot in offering me a great deal of perspective: with my studies and – what it was and why it was that way, and my role in all of it – and on myself – who I’ve become and what I want out of myself and my life. And this is good; I’ve needed it.

But even as I feel more settled here, there are still things that feel like transitions, moments where I feel in-between two lives, and my mind sometimes pauses and catches that moment, a recognition that my old life is further and further from me and the resulting feeling is, most times, bittersweet.

I see now things I couldn’t see before and so many emotions that I carried with me for so long seem distant. Even the ending, the time when the life I knew imploded and those awful, awful months followed – the intensity is gone. There are quick flashes where I’m suddenly aware – wow, that’s not my life anymore; wow, what a crazy-ass year I’ve had; wow, 10 years down the drain and I’m in my TEE-age now – but they last nanoseconds, slipping from me before I can even touch them.

I think about the choices I have, when life changes so abruptly. When you get past that initial shock, that feeling of being punched square in the gut – you have choices. Do you hold on and insist that those moments were the one, and there will be never be another? Do you stay put; holding on to the memories, building a new life around a past that time has anyway altered? Do you allow the rage to take over and drive you to hurt people – intensely – till your own pain is satisfied? Do you push it all away and refuse to deal with any of it? Do you allow yourself to believe that after the darkness there will indeed be light, and it will be beautiful?

When the dust finally settled for me, there was one startling feeling, one thing that I still sometimes feel a jolt over if it crosses my mind: the life I’d chosen was not the life meant for me. It was not the thing that was right for me. That’s it right there: it was not right for me. And that was such a difficult thing to fully accept, to believe, because it was something I’d chosen and tried so hard to make it work, make it good. But considering that the business has ended, what else is there to believe? Clearly, I was wrong about the depth and strength I’d prescribed to that fantastic start that lead me to a dumb hole. And resisting against such a stark reality didn’t make much sense.

It was a hard thing to wrap my mind around, that I was wrong, and what I expected to be, to just be and stay, was not the thing, after all, that would last or sustain me. Or the place where I would stay. And I don’t mean this like in that immediate way – relationship’s gone bust, it’s over, gotta start over. I mean it in a much deeper way, touching on the things that brought me and my friends together and that made us stay together, and in a way that extends beyond those first months after the ending, the first year, and settles into you. It wasn’t just that we couldn’t make it work; it wasn’t just that shit happened and we ended. It was that – if it ended, and there was no reconciliation, and there was light and hope after all the pain and sadness – then that was just not for me. It wasn’t my destiny; it wasn’t the thing that would never let me go; it wasn’t the end of hope and beauty.
So whatever comes from here – it will be mine to fully embrace. I can walk into it openly and freely. I can let my pain and sadness have their space because they are now as much a part of me as anything else. And I can accept this new life, let its wonders move me – and I can dive right in. The group of friends usually revise down to a very few honest ones, and this is life. People usually are too mean to continue relations with or they usually fuck you hard at times.