Posts Tagged ‘family’

Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there. Here in Pakistan and everywhere in the world anyway today is fathers day. I am not sure how far and wide around the world this celebration extends. I think Mothers Day and Fathers Day should be celebrated everywhere. Any that read this maybe you could tell me if it is celebrated where you live.

I can hear a lot of “oh no’s” echoing from everywhere when I say I have been thinking again. Thinking that is about Fathers day and what it means or could mean.

Now first off, who can be a father? Well biologically the way our bodies are, virtually any male over, I don’t know about the ages of 12 or 13 can father a child. That is just the way it is. Now there is though a world of difference between fathering a child and being a father. I imagine everyone would know what I mean here and no further explanation is needed.

Now I know today will be a day of family gatherings, BBQ’s etc and that the phone lines will be busy to capacity as dads are acknowledged and to that I say right on.

I am issuing two challenges today. First to the fathers. Your children will be gathering around you or calling you to both pay their respects and honor you on this day. I challenge all fathers to take a few moments to reflect on this past year. The year that has gone by since last father’s day. Reflect on the type of father you have been to your children in this past year. Do you really deserve to be honored in this way on this day? What kind of a father have you been in this past year?

We should never look for perfection when we think of our parenting roles, impossible to attain. As you look back you may see situations that were “disastrous” but even that is OK and acceptable if we were truly trying our best. Trying our best is all that can ever be asked of anyone in any situation. Just think about it, did you try your best or deep within do you know you took the easy way out, which often seems to be simply ignoring the kids. Think about this, keep it in mind and accept whatever honors or tributes are passed your way on this, your day. Just keep it in mind, think about it, there will be another father’s day next year. Do you need to and will you be making any changes in this next year?

Another thought to the fathers. Children in our lives are a blessing from God. Could Fathers Day possibly be a day in which we also honor our children the very ones that qualify us as fathers? Without our children this day would be meaningless to us, think about it.

If there are any dead beat dads that read this. I suggest this one thing. Go and pick up a baseball bat,use it to sharply strike yourself on the side of the head.

To the children of all ages celebrating father’s day. Why are you doing it? Have your really given any thought to this day or is it just another day on the calendar. A day in which we feel obligated to give him a call or maybe get the family together. Just because that is what is expected by society to be done. Will you say “Happy Fathers Day” just to get the words out and over with for another year? Mothers Day and Fathers day can have real meaning and significance or they can just be days in which we have a family obligation. Which is it for you?

I would be interested on hearing from all on this.

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I woke up with a very strange thought running through my head a few days ago and that thought seems still to be running through my head. Because I woke up with this thought. I imagine I must have been dreaming something but what I can’t remember or even imagine. I woke up comparing a woman to a tree. I can just picture my family rolling their eyes with that one and wondering where is he going with this.

Now, I have to be clear to begin with. First off there is no way I would or could literally compare a woman to a tree, the very idea sounds ridiculous and is just plain ridiculous. I have nothing but great love, respect and admiration for every member of the female gender, all a goddesses in my eyes. I believe God set out to create his greatest master piece of beauty and achieved it in our females. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

Now really the only comparable that can be really seem between a woman and a tree is that both are master pieces of beauty created by our Heavenly God.

Let’s get to the tree part. Use your imagination if you have to. Picture yourself walking through a forest. You are surrounded by tall magnificent beautiful trees. At first as you walk you are overwhelmed by the overall panoramic beauty of what you see, just a virtual sea of beauty revealing itself before your eyes with each additional step of the path. Ultimately you return home your mind just boggled by what you have seen.

It is in the early spring and the leaves have just budded out and are a beautiful shade of light green almost a lime green color. You make this walk a daily event and as you venture out more and more you begin to take note of individual trees as opposed to just the overall view. You see that each is perfectly and magnificently created and are just as God wanted them to be. You also note that no two trees are exactly the same, again exactly the way God wants them to be. Some are taller, some shorter, some have more branches, more leaves, some are wider around the trunk. You see some are evenly slightly differently shaped because of the way the branches have formed and spread. You see, admire and respect the differences, knowing each tree is unique and beautiful in its own way. As the season progresses you see the very color of the leaves is beginning to change. Changing from the light green to a deeper fuller shade of green. You appreciate the change but see that it does nothing to affect the overall beauty of the tree. It is still just as beautiful just more mature, in a tree way. The summer passes and fall advances. You now begin to notice another almost miracle of nature as the leaves begin to change color again. This time taking on the most beautiful shades of yellow, reds, oranges they are absolutely stunning to look at. People will actually drive for miles just to see this stunning sight and take pictures of the beautiful trees in all their glory. When you look close you can see some of the leaves are actually “sagging”. But none of that detracts but instead only adds to the beauty of the tree. Is the tree still beautiful to look at, at each of the various times? Yes!!!! Does it change over the season? Yes!!! But nothing detracts from the beauty at any or all times, irregardless of how advanced we are in the season.

I am not sure how well I did it but I have tried to paint a picture showing the changes in the “seasonal” life of a tree. Of how it retains its beauty throughout. Yes, it changes but at no stage is it any less beautiful than it was before. The picture might change, the beauty does not.

This is actually the only comparable I do see between a woman and a tree, the picture may change but the beauty does not.

Ladies you are God’s most beautiful creation, His greatest work of art. You are picture perfect no matter your age. You are at this moment exactly how God created and intended you to be. Society seems to have somehow come to the conclusion that for a woman to be at her prime she must be young and skinny, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. You are at your prime at your most beautiful right now, with no exceptions. God doesn’t make mistakes, if He had wanted you to look any different than you do right now, He would have made it happen. Be proud of who you are and how you look right at this moment.

How often do I read or hear of beautiful women, those that have years of experience at being beautiful, suddenly fretting that they no longer “have it”. It seems to me anyway that most women feel they have to have the face and body of an 18 year old forever. I just ask one question, WHY? If you are not 18 why would you feel you need to have the face and body of an 18 year old. Beauty can change but it doesn’t go away.

I write about enjoying life which is something I wish for all. If we become obsessed with out outward appearance so much can be lost. Ladies I challenge each and every one of you right now to go and really look in the mirror. Look at the beauty in the face you see looking back at you, age or nor anything else can ever change that.

To all the guys that like to look at a beautiful 18 year old young lady. Hey I am right there with you. She is gorgeous, no doubt about it. But really look and you will see so is the 19 year old the 20, 21, 22….35,36…53,54…68,69…80 and 90…. year old lady.

I know I am writing about physical appearance which really shouldn’t even be considered in the overall picture. It is what is inside that counts, I believe that and will be writing more about it in the future.

I thought I would give this abuse stuff a bit of a break. But there is a story I came upon on another blog. I read it and was so touched by it. I should have put the site on my blog roll or bookmarked it or something so I could go back and read it again. It just sort of keeps coming back to me again and again. It gave me a bit more of an insight into why possibly some suffers of abuse don’t seek help or at least take it when offered. I don’t know just my thoughts.

A part of it was about misdirected negative feelings. It spoke of long term abuse suffers being so beaten down, so defeated, they had no energy left to fight or really try any more. It goes back to the trained helplessness and hopelessness. I wish I had copied it to post it here, it states so much better the conditions of these situations than I can.

It spoke of women but I know it would equally apply to men. People who after 30 or 40 years of abuse are just left feeling empty and defeated. No energy to face anymore challenges, barely enough energy to just get through the day. They are so beaten down they are vulnerable to any and all that should wish to use or take advantage of them. They may have escaped from the abusive partner only to have that role taken over by other family members. Here I am talking brothers, sisters and even children to parents. There is no end of people willing to take advantage is given the opportunity, friend, neighbors, coworkers that list would be endless. Wittingly or unwittingly many seem to sense when someone is vulnerable and can be taken advantage of. I am sure this taking advantage of, using, controlling or abusing starts off with something small. But, it almost seems like human nature, if you get away with something small the tendency is continue pushing the envelope just to see how far you can take it. I am sure so often it is even at a subconscious level. The situation gradually evolves, expands and grows until it reaches the point total control is established over the other. I am sure even at that point many do not even realize what they are doing. Things have evolved and changed so slowly that it is not even realized that we have taken control of or are dominating the life of another. We don’t even realize or appreciate what is being done. It reaches the point where it becomes an expectation. “She will do what I want or I will be very mad and will make her life so miserable she will eventually cave in and I will get my way, as it should have been.”

Our abuse victim is pushed even further down. I have read our own children can be the worst at doing this. Our abuse victim just gives up. Her self esteem and self confidence so beat and taken away, she has no confidence in her own decisions. It is just easier to let anyone, even my kids decide what I should be doing, their decisions are likely better than mine anyway, and I just don’t have the energy to fight them, so be it.

I was surprised to read of a quite a number of women actually seeing and recognizing a loving, healthy hand being extended to help them. Of them feeling it was the right thing, the healthy thing to do but of them refusing the offered hand. Possibly maybe because of lack of trust in her own ability to make the right decision but mostly because of the objections of her own family. I am not sure if their objections were based on their own fear of change, I certainly hope not to just exert their control, this I just can’t believe.

I read of women giving up on what they knew would be a real chance of happiness in a healthy relationship because it was too much bother. Their families were comfortable the way things were and didn’t want change and fought it. In each case she just gave in not having the energy to fight for anything, not even her own health, happiness and well being.

I read of the stories of 3 women that had managed to find a new love. A love with a good loving and respectful man. In each case family pressure was so great; it became so stressful each ended the relationship. One guy ran for the hills never to be seen again. The other 2 had too much love to just give up that easily, they persisted in trying to wooing the lady they loved. Neither realized what they were really up against. Each attempted contact caused such uproar in the home, more and more stress for the lady. So much stress she began to dread the thought of him calling, knowing the stress and tension in the home that it would cause. In each woman apparently the feelings of love remained intact, but she began to resent the man for calling or trying to contact her because of the family stress it would cause her.

This is what I call the misdirected negative feelings. Here we had 3 women that had loving hands extended to them. Three women that had a chance at a healthy happy life but gave it up. Not only that but their negative feelings were directed at the loving man, the health support and not at those holding her back, controlling her life. I don’t get it!!!!!!!!

I have often encouraged people to shed negative draining relationships from your life and surround yourself with healthy, supportive and nurturing relationships. I just ask before you shed a relationship, please be sure you are sure where the negativity is coming from and be sure you shed the correct relationship. In the case if the relationship that needs to be sheded is with family, remember that doesn’t necessarily have to mean ending or cutting the ties, just the relationship as it is. End it as it is and reform it into a new and healthy one.

A big congratulations to my dear blogging friend Joe Hart . He has a double celebration going on. A one year anniversary for his blog and an amazing 200,000 hits. Joe Hart through his writings is such an inspiration. If you haven’t visited his site, you really are missing out.

I have been asking myself, do funerals have to be sad, or at least sad to the extent we often see. I know there will always be an element of sadness with the passing, the loss of a loved one. That is understandable and perfectly normal. I do sometimes wonder though, we as a society are so much affected by the expectations of fitting into the norm. What is the norm for a funeral. It seems great sadness, shows of grief and such. I am not a doctor or a man of the clergy and as such can speak with no authority and am only expressing my own personal thoughts and preferences. I am very sure open displays of grief as we see are very therapeutic for many and help in the healing process. If it is a helpful tool for those left behind, excellent I am all for it. I certainly mean no disrespect to those grieving. Grief is a very individual thing and whatever form works best for you, it the way to go. When there is a loss of a loved one there will always be sadness and grief, I know that.

Still for myself and within myself I have to wonder, is it the only way to get closure? I don’t know.

I have long had the thought in my head. “mourn not what you have lost but instead celebrate what you have had”. I do think this is an excellent philosophy to apply to all things in our life. Good advice, easily said but so difficult to put into practice when it deals with the loss of a loved one. This is a thought though that did help me tremendously at the time of the passing of my loved ones. This is not to say, I wasn’t sad or grieving, it is just that it did help me.

I suppose largely, it will depend on your individual view of death and what follows. At the time I had absolutely no doubt in my mind she was going to a much better place. I still do not question that thought at all. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. I can’t help but be happy for them (sad for me) knowing they has indeed gone to such a wonderful place and that when the time is right I will be with them again. Again, words so easy to say, but so difficult to appreciate when in the midst of grief.

Largely, I am not fearful of what lies ahead for me, a little nervous maybe but not fearful. My dread and fear comes in when I think of the loved ones I am leaving behind. I so desperately want them to all have good happy lives. I never want them to ever have any pain or grief in their lives. OK, I know that is an unrealistic hope as some pain and grief will come to all. I can only hope I am not the cause of any of it. Yet it is inevitable when I pass there will be grief and sorrow.

I am certain in some way, in some spiritual form I will be able to attend or look down on my own funeral.

What would I personally prefer to see. My family and friends all gathered in great sadness, in obvious pain or a reasonably happy group gathered to reminisce about our happy times together. Celebrating and I hope appreciating our time together. Laughing telling jokes even if they are at my expense, I certainly know I have given every one enough to be able to come up with some sort of a joke about my often silly ways. Celebrate what we had, instead of mourning what is lost. The loss is only temporary.

I am not sure how this transition from the physical to spiritual works, but I can’t help but think I may be aided on my way knowing, my life gave reason for a celebration.

Maybe, this is a final act of selfishness on my part, I don’t know.

I ask for comments. Can we turn a funeral into a celebration of life? Would doing that take away from the healing process of the families?

So my blog is popular now, 4700 hits plus more than 500 comments on 74 posts!!! Attractive…

In my last post I wrote of live being a journey. We travel along the highway of life without the benefit of any sort of road map. Each and every day we face the journey anew often heading into or facing new and unexplored territory and adventures. Faith will not necessarily help you avoid bumps in the road but will help you through them. We may on occasion hit a bump in the road, or even a construction site on the road, where we may seem to get mired down in the mud. I have come to realize these “construction sites” on the road of life are not really in the road of life at all. Instead, are sites for me, to help construct the inner me. Spots where I can grow as a person. How often have I found myself in such a situation and blamed the highway, never stopping to think of how to get myself past the situation or how to learn from it. Easier to just blame the highway for my problems to just blame life for my problems, its not my fault this or that happened. So very often that is true, life does bring us unexpected or unwanted turns in the road. What is even more important than what life brings us, is how we learn to deal with it. Each bump in the road or detour thrown at us, helps to mold and create us into the people we are. We can grow, flourish and shine brighter than ever before. Or, we can get mired down and seemingly stuck on the road of life.

What is important for me to always remember, we are on a journey and as such are always moving. Just sometimes we move at faster pace than at others. I know there have been times when I have allowed myself to get mired down and seemingly stuck. Times when I looked ahead and could see no improvement in the road, my life just seemingly have no improvement is sight. I so easily blamed the road and felt it needed work, on reflection I can now see that it was the inner me that needed to work and life was giving me a slow down period in which to do it. That is also when in fact I allowed myself to forget the mere fact life is not stagnant but continually moving forward. I was not stuck just moving forward at a slower pace. There is always the next bend in the road and how am I to know what wonders await me.

Have you ever watched a tree grow?
Have you ever watched a flower open?

Such processes take place slowly and subtly. Only through watching a film, sped up, do we get to see how they really occur.

This is why, sometimes, we can feel as if there really is no movement in our life. Nothing is changing or moving on, and then suddenly, one day, we realize that things are very different and they will never be the same again.

Have a great Sunday.

This may sound strange but the past few days I have been thinking about my thinking, where do some of my thoughts come from. Now I am not talking about here on the blog, I believe I know that. I am talking in just every day, day to day stuff.

At times I wonder about the brain not functioning. It is there, about the size of a large walnut. It’s located on the right frontal side. This is I am told the part of the brain that we use for things like judgment, control of impulsive actions, actually quite a few things that sort of determine the person I am. Our brain is naturally contained within the confines of our skull. Being confined as such, there is no natural room for swelling or for such a thing as a tumor.

I am what I consider to be a deep thinker and not prone to acting impulsively but I have notice that now arising and will just have to be more aware.

Just realized something, if I write something stupid or ridiculous, I can just blame it on the non-functioning of the brain. lol

First off, I believe in equality in every aspect, no exceptions. OK, that is a given. But, my mind is wandering along the lines, is there or should there at least be one additional expectation of men. Maybe some of this stems from something I can remember my mother saying when I was young. You know how something’s just sort of stand out or stick in your mind, well this is one of those for me.

“Always be a man. A real man is a gentleman. A gentleman always shows due respect to others. Under no circumstances would a gentleman ever hit a woman or anyone smaller than himself. He will always stand up to protect and defend his loved ones, himself and anyone in need.”

There may have been more, that I don’t remember. I like to consider myself a gentleman. Have there been times in my life where I know I have fallen short of that definition, sadly yes. But, it is something I have tried to generally live my life by.

I know there is an equally good argument about the ladies standing up and maybe one day I will post my thoughts on that. But, today I am just talking about the men and specifically in the home, thoughts on other areas of life will likely follow.

I just can’t fathom how any male that sees himself as really being a man, “the man of the house” could use his possible greater size and strength to do anything but protect your loved ones. There is no circumstance, situation or event, as angry as you may be, that could justify violence against women and children. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS, NONE. It is time for all real men to stand up and be counted, show yourself as being a man. If anyone realizes in their hearts, changes could be make. How about starting that change today, right now.

As men, we do often possess a larger physical stature and even greater physical strength. Let’s use that in the way it was meant to be used.

I guarantee, I will never strike a woman or child.

I guarantee, I will never use my size to bully anyone, ever.

I guarantee, if we hear a noise in the middle of the night. I will be the one checking it out, baseball bat in hand.

I guarantee, if anyone says or does anything, I ever perceive as being done to intentionally hurt my loved ones. I will be in your face, immediately.

It is almost strange reading that last point. I know it to be true. The strange part is I am a very easy going relaxed kind of guy. Very little upsets or bothers me, say or do something to me and I will very likely just laugh it off. Do the very same thing to my family, different story all together.

A direct question to every male reading this. Are you a gentleman, a real man or merely an over sized jerk pretending to be a man? Give it some thought before you automatically reply.

I am trying my best to be I suppose you could call it a student of life. In my own way I am trying to learn and understand more about life in general and of people all people. To get a better understanding of actions and reactions to situations in life. What I am learning is of how little I really know or understand. Sounds strange maybe but I realize the more I think I learn the less I realize I understand???? A few examples of the things that having me going, HUH???

Now, I think it is a fair statement to make, that, the vast majority of people do not want to die. Now that sounds pretty straight forward and simple. I can easily understand that, I can relate to that. Now here is the part I just do not understand. We do not want to die so obviously we want to go on living, our lives are precious to us. Again, I can certainly relate. Now here is the part I don’t understand. We all recognize and appreciate how precious our lives are, how precious our time on this planet is. But, do we really? We each know our individual time here is limited, we see how precious it is, but what are we doing with it? Why do we take time for granted always assuming there will be many tomorrows in which we can enjoy life. I think we live with so many thoughts of the future we forget to live today. Not sure where I heard this: “Life is not about learning how to weather a storm; it is about learning how to dance in the rain.” Thank about that as you go about your day.

As a society it seems to me anyway, that we are only comfortable dealing with or even thinking about death and dying when it is maybe in the abstract almost. By that I mean when it is happening to people far far away. People that we are not related to or associated with in anyway and somehow talking about them dying is an “OK” subject. Or, at least it doesn’t seem to make us feel as uncomfortable. Suddenly though if the topic hits closer to home it becomes more uncomfortable, we don’t want to talk about it or even think about it. Is it the fear of loss that affects us so deeply. A loved one passes and we have a really sense of loss. It is not only a sense of loss but a real loss in our lives. Without that person there our lives are changed forever, no denying that. Our lives are changed yes but can be and will be just as good with time. i have to wonder, we are grieving a loss, is that our main fear in this whole thing. We are grieving our own personal loss what is missing out of our lives. I don’t know are we really grieving more for ourselves than the other person. I don’t know that was just a thought that popped into my head.

What about if we are facing our own passing? Well actually that statement applies to every single person on this planet, it is just the timing. Struggling with wording, does that make sense? Can we become so obsessed with not wanting to lose our lives that we forget to live them while we still can?

Wow, I really got off track here as I rambled on. I’ve got to share a new perspective. It is when you lose people in terms of relationships. When people get into relationships or what you call friends with benefits, this is time when their priorities change; they value their partner more and dike you whenever they want to. This is so unfair. For the past six months this happens frequently with me. What to do? I can’t get any solutions to this issue. Then I thought how about we be the same with them and talk to them the way we used to. They may realize some day that they were wrong and come back to you, but this technique of mine seems to be a heart eiderdown, it’s not working too. Good luck to all those people who fall in this category.

As this was the last post of this file, I’ll take a week off before I start a new file.

Good Day 🙂

Wow, the past few days here on the blog have been kind of wild, not sure if that is the right word to describe it, Now a day or two ago I did receive a comment that did catch me by surprise. Let’s just say it was not all that flattering to me and hey, I never expect everyone to agree with everything I have to say and that is fair enough. Normally I would just blow this comment off, giving it the attention I think it deserves, which is none.

Now again I quote my dear MUM. She used to joke that when as a child I was vaccinated it must have been with a butterfly needle as I always have to get my say into everything. So here I go again.

I have realized life lessons can come from the most unusual or unexpected places. What have I learned from this experience. I have a lot of loving friends that have contacted me either here on the blog or via email. I do thank all for their support and encouragement.

Possibly it comes from being a dude all of my life. Risk is something I like taking be it financially or anything. Over the course of the blog I am very proud that almost 6,00 comments have been left. All but a handful have been very kind, loving and supportive. I cannot begin say how proud I am of all of my blogging friends, of how lucky I consider myself to have you all in my life. It is what is contained within so many of the comments that are most important to me. Yes, many contain kind and loving support for me, which I do appreciate so very much. But it goes so very far beyond that. Many others have in a time of need written in often sharing their own pain and grief. My dear blogging friends are always there in that time of need, providing loving support for any and all that come. It has gotten to the point I like to think of the blog more as a community of loving supportive friends. A community I am so very proud to be but a part of.

Now with that many comments there are bound to be a few, that let”s just say are outside the norm. I remember one way back somewhere that even said something to the effect: “Why don’t you just die already and quit wasting space on the internet”. Can’t remember how or even if I responded. I have grown with time and back then I imagine I had something to say.

To the dear blogging friends that have rushed in to support me with this, I thank you so very much. Please know I am fine with any comments directed at me. I will read such comments. Look to see if I feel it has any merit, see if I can learn from it and then pay it no mind.

The final lesson I have learned, is I have some work to do on myself. Any comment directed to me or at me, I can easily shrug off. BUT, disparaging comments directed at my mum or any of my family and my hackles go up.

Now this is my blog and I make the rules. I have always invited all comment, hey even those I might not personally agree with. That still applies comments from all are always welcome. BUT, any comments that I in my own judgment read as being mean spirited will be deleted entirely. Do remember I can even hack accounts and mess with your profiles. Do read the disclaimer page before you visit my blog 🙂

I was drinking my morning coffee, wondering what to write for a New Years post. All I could think of was death, then I realized the most important topic I being a puppet for a very very long time. So how about squirming with this new topic. Though this one is targeted to a specific audience only and everyone may not understand.

“May the very worst day in you future, be not nearly as bad as the very best day in your past”. My very  best wishes to all in this new year.

Got to the computer and checked email and there is a message from an old friend. It is just too good not to share.

Those first weeks my brain could not stop. There was just too much to accept, to adjust to, too many of my old ghosts coming back to mess with me. In typical Miqdad fashion, the over-analyzing led to our first disagreement, a day-and-a-half that had me feeling terrified (at the intensity of my thoughts) and miserable (because I didn’t want to feel what I felt, and I didn’t want to express any of it, and I didn’t want us to fight about something as abstract as my fears). So now this is more of a communication note rather than a post/blog.
So people usually think they are the finest blaming everything on you and you have to survive the force. The past 2 years were awful, I was walking on the wrong path, but I suggest this is human scenery; we usually commit gaffes and then get them right. So I am on an expedition to set those mistakes right. But I guess I am a puppet with several strings each handled by different people, asking me what to do and what not to. I am just sick of it. You sit far away trying to find mistakes in what I do…huh!!!. So I am an egoistic guy with a lot of attitude problem, so here I go, I don’t give a shit about what is happening or what will happen. I have around a million things to take care of and I don’t want to waste time in these petty issues trying to convince a person in what I do is right.

What about the mistakes the accusers had made in the earlier period. Aren’t they accountable for what they did? Though I know my side is a little heavier but still mistakes are mistakes like the sins are sins.

There was something about the way everything happened that made me think I’d be a fool to ever allow anyone in my life in any significant way. But I felt that, deeply and clearly. I felt that I couldn’t go through something so devastating, to have failed so spectacularly, then just start up with someone new as if none of that had happened. I thought the scars would be too many, the baggage too heavy.

More than anything, though, I thought about love. And what I thought was, that’s not something I deserve. You don’t fail in this way, you don’t put people in the middle of this mess, and then think you get some happiness when the dust settles. I wasn’t on some martyr trip; I just didn’t think I had the right to it. Why should I get to have anything beautiful and good when the thing I thought I was fighting so hard for was the very thing I killed?

Also, the truth was that my stomach churned at the mere thought of having real feelings for anyone again. I could date, I could screw, I could find endless distractions – but I could not love. Didn’t want to. Didn’t want the headache, the stress, the heartache. No one would ever be worth the pain again, because for me, love has always been synonymous with suffering (love in every sense be it family or friends). I’d seen what effort and giving and honesty had gotten me: nothing. Or rather, my heart handed to me on a platter and my life, ripped apart.

Yeah, love? Not worth it. I knew I had the capacity to love, and that based on the kind of person I am, that I would not become cynical towards love or close myself to those kinds of feelings. I just did not think I could really allow it into my life; I’ll leave all of it for my bride… I guess before marriage this is more of desperation/Infatuation than love…what say?

I’ve spent countless nights ruminating about love. I will never know the answer to that, and in a way, the answer doesn’t even matter.

Life is a bit uncertain. Don’t know when death strikes. So should I wait to get married and have children, I am referring to the legal style of getting married. How about hooking up with a girl, enjoying all the pre-marriage luxuries and then dying without regretting that you never had a girl. So what say? Enjoy a girl in your life now or wait for the right time. I guess waiting for the right time seems more appropriate, socially, religiously and ethically.