Posts Tagged ‘friends’

A big congratulations to my dear blogging friend Joe Hart . He has a double celebration going on. A one year anniversary for his blog and an amazing 200,000 hits. Joe Hart through his writings is such an inspiration. If you haven’t visited his site, you really are missing out.

I have been asking myself, do funerals have to be sad, or at least sad to the extent we often see. I know there will always be an element of sadness with the passing, the loss of a loved one. That is understandable and perfectly normal. I do sometimes wonder though, we as a society are so much affected by the expectations of fitting into the norm. What is the norm for a funeral. It seems great sadness, shows of grief and such. I am not a doctor or a man of the clergy and as such can speak with no authority and am only expressing my own personal thoughts and preferences. I am very sure open displays of grief as we see are very therapeutic for many and help in the healing process. If it is a helpful tool for those left behind, excellent I am all for it. I certainly mean no disrespect to those grieving. Grief is a very individual thing and whatever form works best for you, it the way to go. When there is a loss of a loved one there will always be sadness and grief, I know that.

Still for myself and within myself I have to wonder, is it the only way to get closure? I don’t know.

I have long had the thought in my head. “mourn not what you have lost but instead celebrate what you have had”. I do think this is an excellent philosophy to apply to all things in our life. Good advice, easily said but so difficult to put into practice when it deals with the loss of a loved one. This is a thought though that did help me tremendously at the time of the passing of my loved ones. This is not to say, I wasn’t sad or grieving, it is just that it did help me.

I suppose largely, it will depend on your individual view of death and what follows. At the time I had absolutely no doubt in my mind she was going to a much better place. I still do not question that thought at all. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. I can’t help but be happy for them (sad for me) knowing they has indeed gone to such a wonderful place and that when the time is right I will be with them again. Again, words so easy to say, but so difficult to appreciate when in the midst of grief.

Largely, I am not fearful of what lies ahead for me, a little nervous maybe but not fearful. My dread and fear comes in when I think of the loved ones I am leaving behind. I so desperately want them to all have good happy lives. I never want them to ever have any pain or grief in their lives. OK, I know that is an unrealistic hope as some pain and grief will come to all. I can only hope I am not the cause of any of it. Yet it is inevitable when I pass there will be grief and sorrow.

I am certain in some way, in some spiritual form I will be able to attend or look down on my own funeral.

What would I personally prefer to see. My family and friends all gathered in great sadness, in obvious pain or a reasonably happy group gathered to reminisce about our happy times together. Celebrating and I hope appreciating our time together. Laughing telling jokes even if they are at my expense, I certainly know I have given every one enough to be able to come up with some sort of a joke about my often silly ways. Celebrate what we had, instead of mourning what is lost. The loss is only temporary.

I am not sure how this transition from the physical to spiritual works, but I can’t help but think I may be aided on my way knowing, my life gave reason for a celebration.

Maybe, this is a final act of selfishness on my part, I don’t know.

I ask for comments. Can we turn a funeral into a celebration of life? Would doing that take away from the healing process of the families?

I am trying my best to be I suppose you could call it a student of life. In my own way I am trying to learn and understand more about life in general and of people all people. To get a better understanding of actions and reactions to situations in life. What I am learning is of how little I really know or understand. Sounds strange maybe but I realize the more I think I learn the less I realize I understand???? A few examples of the things that having me going, HUH???

Now, I think it is a fair statement to make, that, the vast majority of people do not want to die. Now that sounds pretty straight forward and simple. I can easily understand that, I can relate to that. Now here is the part I just do not understand. We do not want to die so obviously we want to go on living, our lives are precious to us. Again, I can certainly relate. Now here is the part I don’t understand. We all recognize and appreciate how precious our lives are, how precious our time on this planet is. But, do we really? We each know our individual time here is limited, we see how precious it is, but what are we doing with it? Why do we take time for granted always assuming there will be many tomorrows in which we can enjoy life. I think we live with so many thoughts of the future we forget to live today. Not sure where I heard this: “Life is not about learning how to weather a storm; it is about learning how to dance in the rain.” Thank about that as you go about your day.

As a society it seems to me anyway, that we are only comfortable dealing with or even thinking about death and dying when it is maybe in the abstract almost. By that I mean when it is happening to people far far away. People that we are not related to or associated with in anyway and somehow talking about them dying is an “OK” subject. Or, at least it doesn’t seem to make us feel as uncomfortable. Suddenly though if the topic hits closer to home it becomes more uncomfortable, we don’t want to talk about it or even think about it. Is it the fear of loss that affects us so deeply. A loved one passes and we have a really sense of loss. It is not only a sense of loss but a real loss in our lives. Without that person there our lives are changed forever, no denying that. Our lives are changed yes but can be and will be just as good with time. i have to wonder, we are grieving a loss, is that our main fear in this whole thing. We are grieving our own personal loss what is missing out of our lives. I don’t know are we really grieving more for ourselves than the other person. I don’t know that was just a thought that popped into my head.

What about if we are facing our own passing? Well actually that statement applies to every single person on this planet, it is just the timing. Struggling with wording, does that make sense? Can we become so obsessed with not wanting to lose our lives that we forget to live them while we still can?

Wow, I really got off track here as I rambled on. I’ve got to share a new perspective. It is when you lose people in terms of relationships. When people get into relationships or what you call friends with benefits, this is time when their priorities change; they value their partner more and dike you whenever they want to. This is so unfair. For the past six months this happens frequently with me. What to do? I can’t get any solutions to this issue. Then I thought how about we be the same with them and talk to them the way we used to. They may realize some day that they were wrong and come back to you, but this technique of mine seems to be a heart eiderdown, it’s not working too. Good luck to all those people who fall in this category.

As this was the last post of this file, I’ll take a week off before I start a new file.

Good Day 🙂

One of my recent posts has come back to haunt me. Thoughts that just occasionally rattle around in this empty head of mine.

One of the questions was to the effect, if you somehow knew you only had 5 minutes to live and could leave behind but one recorded message, what would it be, and to whom would you leave it? I was looking for thoughts or ideas from readers. Now I find I have received 3 different emails asking me how in fact I would answer that very question. Now that is actually something I have given thought to over the past couple of years. I”d know what I would want my message to be, it is just how to find the words to express it. I have actually tried to write it out a couple of times but find myself getting lost and going in circles. I am not a writer and have never tried to pretend I am. I am a rambler, I just start typing and what comes out is what it is, so here goes.

First to my family I want to express my undying love. Tell each individually how proud I am of them, how proud, blessed and lucky I am to have them in my family, in my life. i would want to thank all of my friends for honoring me by spending some of their precious time on this earth with me. To any that may chose to read this, may God bless you.

Live Life, be happy. Seek to enjoy every moment of our precious time on this earth. The ability to live life, enjoy life and be happy is right there in front of each of us. We just have to recognize it, reach out and grab it. Every day, every moment we are faced with a decision. As our lives unfold before us, circumstance, situations will develop around us, many of which we have no control over. Life just happens and we are there for the ride. Life or at least any individual part of it may not be the ride we had hoped for but it is what we have at that moment. There are no constants in life, this to shall change. If you are in a bad patch, live the best way you can, knowing this too shall change. If you are in a high spot live it to the max. Remembering this too shall change, this is life something will come along to give your ride even a little bump.

There are always 2 ways to look at everything. We make the choice to look at events with a positive mindset or a negative mindset. As hard as it may seem at times that choice is indeed ours to make. As we make that choice we affect no one but ourselves, the quality of the life we live, the enjoyment we get out of it.

Don’t take things in life personally. If someone say lashes out at you in an unkind, rude or nasty manner. Try to remember, their action is prompted by where they are in their heads at the time, the type of mindset they are carrying. Just because they in their mind are in a bad place doesn’t mean we have to allow them to drag us in our thinking to a similar place. We are only responsible for our own lives, our own thoughts and actions. As we are responsible for our own lives, it is up to us to ensure we care for ourselves by not allowing others to drag us down.

There is another conscious choice we make regularly. Is it better to be “right” or is it better to be happy. I chose happy. Every single person we meet in our journey through life is travelling their own path, which may not be the same as that I have chosen for myself. With this thoughts and feelings on virtually every topic you can imagine may vary. This applies to family, friends, everyone you are going to meet. As I have followed my path, based on my own experiences, my thought on any individual issue may well differ from yours. There is always more than one path anywhere, always more than one way to do most things in life. What could make me think my way is the only right way? Suppose I was in a conflict with anyone, a friend, colleagues, coworkers. Suppose in this conflict, I “KNOW” I am right. At the very same time based on their lives, they also “know” they are right. I am faced with a choice, 2 ways to look at everything. Do I want to push on to “make” everyone else see that I am indeed right or do I want to be happy. I choose happy. In my own mind I am comfortable knowing for me and my thoughts I am indeed right and as I do want happiness more than being recognized as being right I just let it go. Don’t take things personally, be happy!

I likely have more but 5 minutes might be up, don’t know and I am tired.

Something has happened and I am not even sure when. Now when I think of it, it is actually kind of sad in one way but wonderful in another.

GOD prevent me from everything bad, help me find good people and stay with me always

Over the years I have said this prayer thousands of times. I take prayer seriously as I imagine do all. A while back a bit of a startling revelation hit me. I had said this prayer so very many times, it had become habit for me to mumble the words without any thought to it. It had become just part of the routine I go through on a daily basis. Mumbling the words because that is what I am supposed to do. These are verbal prayers but the prayers made compulsory by religion are necessary too.

Now, it also came to me a while back that the Good Lord, in His wisdom is granting me extra time on this earth. Why I do not know, but will gratefully accept and treasure each and every moment.

Once I got over the initial shock of what people have been doing with me. I decided to use this time to do my best to prepare myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually for what I know lies ahead. As I did this and searched within myself, I realized it was and is important for me to leave this world with what I call a clear heart. For me that partially means a heart free of any anger, bitterness, any misgiving towards others. There is also the flip aside to that coin but I will get into that another time (seeking forgiveness). I wanted, I needed to let go of negative feelings I held in my mind and heart. As I took a deep personal inventory of my life, I realized I harbored many resentments, ill will and some general feelings of misgivings towards some others. I badly wanted to let these feelings go. I worked at it and was able to make some progress. I guess I got to the point where I was able to think, “OK, I forgive you but it was still a pretty “nasty” thing you did and I still think you are a jerk.” Now I suppose that was progress, but not really or at least it wasn’t the heart clearing kind.

The separate the deed from the doer idea is one I have had for a long time, but really never understood it enough to put it into practice. I mean if someone does you a “nasty” it is their responsibility surely. Some how, I began though to put that together with my “Bill Statics” 90% of people are just regular good people, 5% are Earth Angels and 5% are jerks. Most importantly for me, I realized there are no real clear and permanent divisions between these groups. We are all constantly drifting back and forth between these groups. Yes, I am sure or at least I hope trying our best to avoid the jerk category. But, we are human and depending on the event, circumstance or whatever will find ourselves in the jerk category. It seems the real trick is to not allow ourselves to stay there. Yes, I have and do spend my share maybe even more than my share of time in the “jerk” category.

I am struggling to find the words for this. I have always believed in the overall goodness and kindness within all people but know we each have our moments out of the sun shall we say. We each have our own battles within our own lives. We each react to a situation or circumstance in our own way depending on where we are in our day or even in our lives. We are doing our best to deal with the struggles we face. In the past I know there have been situations or events where others acted or reacted in a way different from what I wanted or maybe expected. It is that action or reaction that hurt or offended me. Possibly he/she was having their moment in the jerk zone, or possibly it was me being there.

Forgiveness is not for others, it is for ourselves. To clear our hearts to enable us to live our lives to the fullest. To forgive another does not mean you have to invite the person back into your life or even have anything to do with them going forward. Forgiveness is letting go of destructive negativity, clear our hearts, living the good life.

My revelation last night. Somewhere along the line, I have reinserted the as I forgive line. Obviously back to the saying it without appropriate thought, have to really work on that.

I am such a lucky man and so very happy to be a part of this world. It is just so full of kind,loving and inspirational people. We just have to find a way to really open our eyes to see them, recognize what they are doing and appreciate and be inspired by them. How do we open our eyes to see the reality of what is truly around us? This world of ours is just overflowing with kind, loving generous people. OK, this is something I have “sort” of known all of my life but it is only in the past few years that this has really become so very clear to me. People are always good, it is just their priorities change with time.

Oh, for sure there are some “jerks” in this world, some people that are just not so nice. If we take into account the entire population of this world, the number of “jerks” would make up a very small percentage. Why don’t we see this, realize it and appreciate it? Does one rotten apple have to spoil the entire barrel? Do we really have to see the world that way?

About 90% of people are regular hard working, kind, and nice people just doing their best to get through their day while raising their families. About 5% are what I call Earth Angels, those that step up and go the extra mile to help another. That leaves the remaining 5%, the jerks, enough said about that group. The tricky part is we all float back and forth between those “groups” depending on the circumstances and situation. Yes, I can be a jerk at times, but so can you, so there. I usually meet this fourth class, this class has people who have serious issues with their priorities and thus you feel left out. A good friend of mine recently got into a relationship or friends with benefits would be a more appropriate term, and the result is ignorance. We don’t go out now or if we do I’m the one who is left out and treated unfairly. Never mind.

Based on these very scientifically obtained statistics we are surrounded by kind, loving and generous people, yet we don’t see it or realize it and appreciate it. I suppose possibly the news media is at least partially to blame for this. Most of what we hear or read day after day is the bad stuff, the negative actions of the small minority of the population. When that is all we hear or read, maybe it is no wonder our outlook on the world has become at least somewhat jaded. What do we need to do to open our eyes to see the true world around us? These stats are just made up, my blog my stats:-/

We all have such busy hectic lives that it is so easy to just with draw into our own little world seemingly content with that. Could there be more to life if we open our eyes and hearts to the wonders around us? Not look at everything and everyone with negative suspicion. What do you think?

Attaching and de attaching is what I have been doing for the past 15 years. I just lose people. Is it really my fault? I would never get attached to people if I would have known when they’ll go away

When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present…we experience heaven on earth.

*Sigh.*

I know.

I’ve been kinda xxx around here (and everywhere in the blogosphere). It’s just a situation where real life obligations, the holidays (and related activities/stress) and a case of writer’s block/personal introspection have all collided.

For a while now, I’ve been posting every (week) day because I wanted to and because my schedule permitted it. On the one hand, I wanted the challenge of writing on a daily basis; on the other, I wanted to see if I could even do it. But now, some life changes are effectively ending my daily posting schedule.

Honestly? I’m glad. Reflecting on the last year of my writing here, my overall feeling is that I wasn’t very good at writing “good” or entertaining or funny or moving or thought-provoking things here. I’m o.k. with that, but the realization brought something else to the forefront for me: at some point, I slipped from writing and sharing for writing and sharing’s sake to writing and sharing for the audience’s sake. And – I hope you understand – that’s just not what I want out of this blog of mine.

Other bloggers have written about this struggle with writing when you know you have an audience, and how that affects both what one writes and how they feel about their writing. And yes, I’m going through a mild form of that. I just don’t want to be entertaining thoughts about how something I write will be received – if it will generate lots of comments or be linked to from somewhere else or, I don’t know, make me sprout wings and fly – because really, I just want to write.

I know, I can’t write in a vacuum, not on the Internet. But I want to get back to the core of why I decided to do this and what I hope to achieve by it. And while yes, having an audience is very important to me, as is that audience’s feedback, it’s not the core. At least, I don’t want it to turn me into a fake blogger/writer/person who is motivated by factors outside himself.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed with all my writing responsibilities. I maintain two other blogs and contribute to a few sites, and if I had no full-time job, I could totally write everywhere with little problems, but. But I work and study full time and come home to be a full-time spoilt little thing and basically have no free time until at least 9 p.m. And by 9 p.m., I just want to pass the hell out. I sound like I’m making lame excuses here, but honestly, I just don’t have the time. Not if I want to maintain my personal relationships and clean my room and wrap presents and fulfill my work obligations and pay attention to friends and their issues or spend some time out.
So I’ve been a scatter-brain, a flake, an absent Internet person. I know, and I’m sorry and I’m digging myself out as best as I can.

As the dust settles on some personal things I’m going through (nothing bad, just different), I’ll have a clearer idea of what kind of writing schedule I can set up for myself. I’m hoping I can keep all my projects/gigs going, but there may be some casualties if I honestly believe I just won’t be able to juggle it all.

Early morning I woke and was lost thinking why people are so mean? We make friends and try to own them, is it something wrong. I want to take care of people but they simply don’t care. It was my exam and friends were more worried, I came late but gladly they kept me a seat, I dint say a word but they got exactly what I meant. People might try and create misunderstandings between us but our understandings are bigger than that. Even when everyone would leave you, there will always be one helping hand and that will be mine that is a promise. Though I get frustrated at times thinking I lose people, but they come back when they realize they were wrong or at fault, but these days people simply refuse to admit their mistakes instead they accuse you of being immature and cantankerous. Well this phase should would could pass soon.

This all really makes me realize how much I have changed over the years. There was a time when reading comments such as those would have had me just jumping up and down mad. Now I just shake head and chuckle.

I really am trying to get a better understanding of life. My life in particular, how  I see myself, how I see myself relating to the world and how I see the world in general. I suppose I am seeking a greater understanding of what it is all about. I do believe I am making at least some headway in this. I think the greatest understanding I have reached is that there is just an endless list of things I will never understand. I think the biggest revelation for me was, I don’t  have to  understand so very many things that go on around me or in the world as a whole. I realize that most often, my confusion or lack of understanding comes from the actions or reactions of other people.

Just realizing and accepting the plain fact that there is so much I will never be able to understand gives me a sense of freedom. Not sure if I am making that clear.

Everyone is making this same journey through life. Some are just on different paths than the one I have chosen. NO ONE can ever travel exactly the same path as another. Each person being on their own journey will encounter different options, challenges and rewards than I may on my path. That is to be expected, it is a slightly different path, and the trip has to be even just slightly different. Huh, I had a point I was leading to here but seem to have lost my train of thought. Not sure what the point was but I bet it was a good one.

I know I have joked around a lot about my memory, calling myself memory guy and what not. Most of the time, well almost all of the time, your memory is of no concern at all. You just blissfully carry on with your day, your life. You just have no idea of what you have forgotten, well because you have forgotten it. Every once in a while though something comes up and you realize just how bad your memory has become. Just such an issue has arisen, and I extend a big thank you to people for their assistance.

Times like this make me sort of take stock of where I am in general with all of this memory stuff. My memory is getting worse there is no question about that. It is disturbing really when I stop and think about how much worse.

Thank goodness of Faizan Masood being here to remind me. I have reached the point where I am forgetting to rate my priorities in a required manner. With my heart that is not a good thing, not that it is a good thing at any time. More and more he has to prompt me, remind me about them. Thank you man.

Now anyone that knows me, knows I am too short for my weight. OK, I am carrying“less” extra pounds. Now for me to say I am forgetting to eat will just cause many to stop and scratch their heads in wonder. Now I have to explain that, it is actually meals I am forgetting. When I’m alone,  it can be into the evening even say around 9:00pm before I realize I am hungry and have been snacking on whatever is around. Often I realize then I had forgotten to eat “dinner/supper” whatever you wish to call it. Who wants to start cooking at that time, so I snack on?

An example. In this post I wanted to say thank you to Sikandar Khan and Munir who don’t change with time, while the others do. Well I wrote down his name and have it upstairs. I even checked it to be sure before I came to the basement here to type. By the time I had gotten signed on to the computer, I had already forgotten and had to run back to check. Geesh.

Friends tease me. If you ever have a secret you are just burning to tell someone. Well tell Mudassir and Maroof, he will have forgotten it in a hour or so anyway. I think I may have been told secrets, just can’t remember.

Ah well, not sense worrying about it, not worth the effort. In an hour or so I will have forgotten anyway so what is the point. Now that is the upside to a bad memory

I think often about the look in your eyes the first time we met. You had the same look the second time we met and the meetings continued, that day a few weeks after the first one, when you knew you wanted to be with me and didn’t want to lose any more time. You get that look still, your eyes suddenly serious and intense as your hands were open to hug me.

The thing about that look is that it floors me. I, who am not easily silenced, find myself utterly silenced, breath and words leaving me. I look into your eyes and I have no words. I am transfixed.

We are comical now, the way we continue to rehash that day, and the weeks leading to the day at dinner lunches and picnics when everything definitively changed. The surprise, the shock that it is you – you who’s by my side, you who fits so wonderfully with me. I want to always wake up like I do now, and see you next to me and feel all over again the joy of such a wonderful surprise. But we are friends and I am afraid this relation may end.

And had someone told me a year ago that it would be you who would change my life, I would have thought them crazy. To think that this day last year I saw you for the first time in (what? six, finally?) years, and we – each brokenhearted, each awash in confusion and sadness and doubt – had no idea, we never imagined, it would come to this. And this, this is awesome and wonderful.

You are solid. You are loving and generous and thoughtful. Your affection, sense of humor and intelligence and your we-are-a-team-no-matter-what approach to our life together make being with you a dream come true. Your level of organization and “where are the facts?” mentality freak me out. Your trust in me, your support and all the effort you put into this relationship make me feel like the luckiest man in the world. You have exceeded any expectation I ever had of what a great man would be like. You are everything I’ve ever wanted.

And when you look at me with that look in your eyes, I know I’m right where I belong. But people say you should never expect them to behave the way you want. Why? They ditch you. Don’t go after people tailor yourself in such a way that people starve for your company. I’m Broken, Shattered and Hopeless today and I’m pretty much sure we end here. Thank you for everything, Thank you for being there. Miqdadman is used to surprises. Wild surprises.

There was something about the way everything happened that made me think I’d be a fool to ever allow anyone in my life in any significant way. But I felt that, deeply and clearly. I felt that I couldn’t go through something so devastating, to have failed so spectacularly, then just start up with someone new as if none of that had happened. I thought the scars would be too many, the baggage too heavy.

More than anything, though, I thought about love. And what I thought was, that’s not something I deserve. You don’t fail in this way, you don’t put people in the middle of this mess, and then think you get some happiness when the dust settles. I wasn’t on some martyr trip; I just didn’t think I had the right to it. Why should I get to have anything beautiful and good when the thing I thought I was fighting so hard for was the very thing I killed?

Also, the truth was that my stomach churned at the mere thought of having real feelings for anyone again. I could date, I could screw, I could find endless distractions – but I could not love. Didn’t want to. Didn’t want the headache, the stress, the heartache. No one would ever be worth the pain again, because for me, love has always been synonymous with suffering (love in every sense be it family or friends). I’d seen what effort and giving and honesty had gotten me: nothing. Or rather, my heart handed to me on a platter and my life, ripped apart.

Yeah, love? Not worth it. I knew I had the capacity to love, and that based on the kind of person I am, that I would not become cynical towards love or close myself to those kinds of feelings. I just did not think I could really allow it into my life; I’ll leave all of it for my bride… I guess before marriage this is more of desperation/Infatuation than love…what say?

I’ve spent countless nights ruminating about love. I will never know the answer to that, and in a way, the answer doesn’t even matter.

Life is a bit uncertain. Don’t know when death strikes. So should I wait to get married and have children, I am referring to the legal style of getting married. How about hooking up with a girl, enjoying all the pre-marriage luxuries and then dying without regretting that you never had a girl. So what say? Enjoy a girl in your life now or wait for the right time. I guess waiting for the right time seems more appropriate, socially, religiously and ethically.

Ooohhhhh, this is a hard fall. Five blissful days with my wonderful friend, only to come back to the final week of the semester, i.e., a final exam and long-ass paper that’s making my brain hurt. Bleggghh….

Well, it was great! I met his dad, stepmom, youngest brother and other assorted relatives. What wonderful people. I was touched by how instantly welcoming and warm they were. They made me feel very comfortable. It was a relaxing, fun time, and I’m really just hoping they liked me as much as I liked them.

These last days have also given me a chance to perform well in the semester final exams but I am blank. I don’t want to study and thinking about those finals produce goose pimples. It wasn’t just the downtime and being away from home for long hours; I’ve had some really great, important conversations that only serve to reaffirm – that I can interview people well. I can fell the Déjà affect… Same VVIP’s I have met last year are again on my list. I’m not sure if I can explain… I guess I’ve always just had an idea of how I’d like to tackle these people and get some worthy information out of them, how I’d like to be treated and spoken to, the kind of connection between us and how we – together and individually – treat the questions. It’s astounding, really, to experience something like this. I feel both so lucky and a little freaked out, wondering how such good people ended up in my life. I’m a bit stunned, yet I think I deserve someone like them and something as loving and healthy and fun as what we have, even as I hope and hope and hope that I can bring as much change as I can, of course positively.

All this goodness helps on weeks like this one – I’m overwhelmed and exhausted and anxious for my life. Last night, as I started to write here, I was feeling all this stress and pretty much snapped. This post originally swung into a pretty ugly place, and then I realized it was pointless and would bring me problems, and basically, I’ve realized something: the computer is overwhelming me. I work on one, do my university work on one, and then have to stay on it if I want to write. And lately, I don’t want to be on the computer if it’s not university or work. And I think what was made clear last night was that I can’t sit here and write out of a sense of duty, without really having much to say, anymore. I need to go back to writing because I want to and not because it’s been 7 days since my last post.

For now, I’m going to play this by ear and write when I feel like it. Let’s see how it goes.

Fortunately I’ve met some people this week, quite new to me, but honestly it has been months conversing with people informally, using terms like bitch and whore, probably this type of conversation helps you socialize in a completely different manner. I am not focusing nor mentioning the gender… So that is it for today, this was just to break my writing fast 😉