Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

I am trying my best to be I suppose you could call it a student of life. In my own way I am trying to learn and understand more about life in general and of people all people. To get a better understanding of actions and reactions to situations in life. What I am learning is of how little I really know or understand. Sounds strange maybe but I realize the more I think I learn the less I realize I understand???? A few examples of the things that having me going, HUH???

Now, I think it is a fair statement to make, that, the vast majority of people do not want to die. Now that sounds pretty straight forward and simple. I can easily understand that, I can relate to that. Now here is the part I just do not understand. We do not want to die so obviously we want to go on living, our lives are precious to us. Again, I can certainly relate. Now here is the part I don’t understand. We all recognize and appreciate how precious our lives are, how precious our time on this planet is. But, do we really? We each know our individual time here is limited, we see how precious it is, but what are we doing with it? Why do we take time for granted always assuming there will be many tomorrows in which we can enjoy life. I think we live with so many thoughts of the future we forget to live today. Not sure where I heard this: “Life is not about learning how to weather a storm; it is about learning how to dance in the rain.” Thank about that as you go about your day.

As a society it seems to me anyway, that we are only comfortable dealing with or even thinking about death and dying when it is maybe in the abstract almost. By that I mean when it is happening to people far far away. People that we are not related to or associated with in anyway and somehow talking about them dying is an “OK” subject. Or, at least it doesn’t seem to make us feel as uncomfortable. Suddenly though if the topic hits closer to home it becomes more uncomfortable, we don’t want to talk about it or even think about it. Is it the fear of loss that affects us so deeply. A loved one passes and we have a really sense of loss. It is not only a sense of loss but a real loss in our lives. Without that person there our lives are changed forever, no denying that. Our lives are changed yes but can be and will be just as good with time. i have to wonder, we are grieving a loss, is that our main fear in this whole thing. We are grieving our own personal loss what is missing out of our lives. I don’t know are we really grieving more for ourselves than the other person. I don’t know that was just a thought that popped into my head.

What about if we are facing our own passing? Well actually that statement applies to every single person on this planet, it is just the timing. Struggling with wording, does that make sense? Can we become so obsessed with not wanting to lose our lives that we forget to live them while we still can?

Wow, I really got off track here as I rambled on. I’ve got to share a new perspective. It is when you lose people in terms of relationships. When people get into relationships or what you call friends with benefits, this is time when their priorities change; they value their partner more and dike you whenever they want to. This is so unfair. For the past six months this happens frequently with me. What to do? I can’t get any solutions to this issue. Then I thought how about we be the same with them and talk to them the way we used to. They may realize some day that they were wrong and come back to you, but this technique of mine seems to be a heart eiderdown, it’s not working too. Good luck to all those people who fall in this category.

As this was the last post of this file, I’ll take a week off before I start a new file.

Good Day 🙂

*Sigh.*

I know.

I’ve been kinda xxx around here (and everywhere in the blogosphere). It’s just a situation where real life obligations, the holidays (and related activities/stress) and a case of writer’s block/personal introspection have all collided.

For a while now, I’ve been posting every (week) day because I wanted to and because my schedule permitted it. On the one hand, I wanted the challenge of writing on a daily basis; on the other, I wanted to see if I could even do it. But now, some life changes are effectively ending my daily posting schedule.

Honestly? I’m glad. Reflecting on the last year of my writing here, my overall feeling is that I wasn’t very good at writing “good” or entertaining or funny or moving or thought-provoking things here. I’m o.k. with that, but the realization brought something else to the forefront for me: at some point, I slipped from writing and sharing for writing and sharing’s sake to writing and sharing for the audience’s sake. And – I hope you understand – that’s just not what I want out of this blog of mine.

Other bloggers have written about this struggle with writing when you know you have an audience, and how that affects both what one writes and how they feel about their writing. And yes, I’m going through a mild form of that. I just don’t want to be entertaining thoughts about how something I write will be received – if it will generate lots of comments or be linked to from somewhere else or, I don’t know, make me sprout wings and fly – because really, I just want to write.

I know, I can’t write in a vacuum, not on the Internet. But I want to get back to the core of why I decided to do this and what I hope to achieve by it. And while yes, having an audience is very important to me, as is that audience’s feedback, it’s not the core. At least, I don’t want it to turn me into a fake blogger/writer/person who is motivated by factors outside himself.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed with all my writing responsibilities. I maintain two other blogs and contribute to a few sites, and if I had no full-time job, I could totally write everywhere with little problems, but. But I work and study full time and come home to be a full-time spoilt little thing and basically have no free time until at least 9 p.m. And by 9 p.m., I just want to pass the hell out. I sound like I’m making lame excuses here, but honestly, I just don’t have the time. Not if I want to maintain my personal relationships and clean my room and wrap presents and fulfill my work obligations and pay attention to friends and their issues or spend some time out.
So I’ve been a scatter-brain, a flake, an absent Internet person. I know, and I’m sorry and I’m digging myself out as best as I can.

As the dust settles on some personal things I’m going through (nothing bad, just different), I’ll have a clearer idea of what kind of writing schedule I can set up for myself. I’m hoping I can keep all my projects/gigs going, but there may be some casualties if I honestly believe I just won’t be able to juggle it all.

Early morning I woke and was lost thinking why people are so mean? We make friends and try to own them, is it something wrong. I want to take care of people but they simply don’t care. It was my exam and friends were more worried, I came late but gladly they kept me a seat, I dint say a word but they got exactly what I meant. People might try and create misunderstandings between us but our understandings are bigger than that. Even when everyone would leave you, there will always be one helping hand and that will be mine that is a promise. Though I get frustrated at times thinking I lose people, but they come back when they realize they were wrong or at fault, but these days people simply refuse to admit their mistakes instead they accuse you of being immature and cantankerous. Well this phase should would could pass soon.

I can’t continue with the moroseness I’ve been carrying around lately. Not just because it’s unhealthy, but also because I’m about to get on a voyage, and my possibly imminent death is kinda front and center right now.

It’ll be o.k. It’ll be o.k. It’ll be o.k.

Right?

So I have starting conversing with some of my new friends, taking up politics and enjoying time. I am glad that people have actually started trusting me. The university I used to hate is the place I love to sit and talk to people about issues now. I’m quite positive I’ll hangout with them enjoy and party. This is the shortest blog just to spit out frustration. These days I am worried about death and its impact. What if I die tomorrow? Am I prepared for it? Religiously and socially. I am not. I’ve planned to write an entire blog on it… it would be a big one… so next time I sit with my lappy it would definitely be a depressing one…

P.S the testimonial section in now ready and can be viewed by anyone 😉

UGH. I’ve been trying to write for a few hours, but I find that I’m just going on and on, veering off into these tangents that are only marginally related to what I really want to say, and I’m really just very frustrated and tired and unable to just say what I want to say. Its 5 hours remaining I’m desperately waiting to go out to beach with my friends. The week was tiring and has really ripped me apart. The semester is ending and the pressure is building day by day.

I had to delete what I had, figuring that starting over was better than the mess I had going on.

The thing is this: I feel all this pain over the back-and-forth that is my friend (Sameer’s) life. Far beyond my own pain, it’s him that I worry about. I see how sometimes he’s anxious and unsettled, and how he acts out because of it. And while 95% of the time he is happy and well-adjusted, it still hurts. I don’t want him to feel confused, or like he has to choose between his mom or dad, which is what I sense sometimes. However routine this has become, however civil his parents are in his presence, he’s still just twentyyears old and trying to figure it all out. And as he gets older, the questions are becoming more complex, with answers that people can’t fully explain and he can’t fully grasp.
Sameer Sameer
And yet, the alternative to this was worse. One of the things that hits me quite hard is feeling like this buddy of mine never stood a chance. Even if he had never had to know “mommy’s house” and “daddy’s house” and the back-and-forth, he still would have had it rough. A mom who was always pissy, and a dad who was always in a sour mood, and a mom and dad who couldn’t go too long without a fight. It was because of this, when his father made it clear that he was not in a place where he could really work on the marriage, and when he said enough to understand his true feelings, then his mom chose to end the marriage.

So this – these two homes, this back-and-forth – this is actually better. Sameer now gets to enjoy a mom who still might yell, but who is so much funner and more patient and relaxed, and less stressed (waaaaay less stressed) and overwhelmed. He has a home with his mom that is peaceful and simple, and where he seems completely comfortable.

But I think that lately, these feelings are coming up and affecting me because his life seems ever more normal, and pretty routine and overall content – and these things all clash with the back-and-forth, with the part of his life that will forever be fractured, and it feels so painful and unfair that it kills him. I don’t actually disagree with the back-and-forth; I fully support his dad’s right to be with him as much as his mom is. It’s really more about the effects of the back-and-forth, the way he’s here and then he’s not, and his constant wondering of what that must feel like for him; if, because he’s been doing it since he was fourteen, this is his own kind of normal, or if it’s confusing or sad or frustrating. Is he in limbo? Does he feel like he belongs anywhere, like any place is “home”?

And then I tell myself all these things that seem really rational, that support my general feeling that he is o.k. and this is o.k. and in the long-run he will not be all messed up and having awful relationships and spending half his life on the therapist’s couch. But the more I tell myself these things, the more I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not just lying to myself. I’m completely convinced that the alternative would have been worse; but what about the rest of it?.

His past has been awful and now I’ve heard he has landed to a rehab. When he came to know about the circumstances he was in, he started to attend gatherings who were a company of addicts, marijuana, nirvana, hard drinks and all that shitty stuff. This man who we called a complete nerd is now an addict. I fear he might hang himself one day if the rehab doesn’t work.
I’m scared of the fact that emotionally, I feel much calmer and more optimistic and healthier than I ever have, and that I won’t be able to reconcile that with this other part, the part where my friend has to pay some kind of price for all this. I can’t describe how much it sucks to realize (and to repeatedly confirm whenever things with his father get problematic) that this was the right decision, and yet the right decision has made a victim out of my friend. And yet, even without this decision, he would have been a victim anyway. I would try my best to take care of him, his parents who are too busy to stop their son is now being slowly poisoned. I wish he could read this blog and I’m pretty sure that once he’s out of the rehab I would make him read it, so he feels proud of himself

Love you man,

Yours,

Miqdad