Posts Tagged ‘hatred’

Greatness…

Posted: December 7, 2010 in Assumption
Tags: , , , , , ,

Friendship’s the privilege of private men; for wretched greatness knows no blessing so substantial.

Time and again I’ve written about how great I am. When clearly I’m not. Life’s really difficult not because you have heroes to worship but mediocrity to compete with. And it is for such reasons why I find it difficult to come to terms with things. Psychology I believe is one of the most under rated sciences of our times. Yes I’ve indulged in the occasional messing of the mind… the psychological warfare, but yes the hunter becomes the hunted at times. On a totally different matter there are people who have the power to bullshit you right to your face. You know excuses are something that should actually be believable and well have some truth to it.

So my word of advice, well think about yourself, philanthropy is overrated. The art of bullshitting is something you need to develop, so that people think you’re smart. Other than that, a very very old friend told me that pretenders are far worse than actual enemies, cause they will eventually screw you. And being solitary is very liberating.

“One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though … betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.”

A big congratulations to my dear blogging friend Joe Hart . He has a double celebration going on. A one year anniversary for his blog and an amazing 200,000 hits. Joe Hart through his writings is such an inspiration. If you haven’t visited his site, you really are missing out.

I have been asking myself, do funerals have to be sad, or at least sad to the extent we often see. I know there will always be an element of sadness with the passing, the loss of a loved one. That is understandable and perfectly normal. I do sometimes wonder though, we as a society are so much affected by the expectations of fitting into the norm. What is the norm for a funeral. It seems great sadness, shows of grief and such. I am not a doctor or a man of the clergy and as such can speak with no authority and am only expressing my own personal thoughts and preferences. I am very sure open displays of grief as we see are very therapeutic for many and help in the healing process. If it is a helpful tool for those left behind, excellent I am all for it. I certainly mean no disrespect to those grieving. Grief is a very individual thing and whatever form works best for you, it the way to go. When there is a loss of a loved one there will always be sadness and grief, I know that.

Still for myself and within myself I have to wonder, is it the only way to get closure? I don’t know.

I have long had the thought in my head. “mourn not what you have lost but instead celebrate what you have had”. I do think this is an excellent philosophy to apply to all things in our life. Good advice, easily said but so difficult to put into practice when it deals with the loss of a loved one. This is a thought though that did help me tremendously at the time of the passing of my loved ones. This is not to say, I wasn’t sad or grieving, it is just that it did help me.

I suppose largely, it will depend on your individual view of death and what follows. At the time I had absolutely no doubt in my mind she was going to a much better place. I still do not question that thought at all. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. I can’t help but be happy for them (sad for me) knowing they has indeed gone to such a wonderful place and that when the time is right I will be with them again. Again, words so easy to say, but so difficult to appreciate when in the midst of grief.

Largely, I am not fearful of what lies ahead for me, a little nervous maybe but not fearful. My dread and fear comes in when I think of the loved ones I am leaving behind. I so desperately want them to all have good happy lives. I never want them to ever have any pain or grief in their lives. OK, I know that is an unrealistic hope as some pain and grief will come to all. I can only hope I am not the cause of any of it. Yet it is inevitable when I pass there will be grief and sorrow.

I am certain in some way, in some spiritual form I will be able to attend or look down on my own funeral.

What would I personally prefer to see. My family and friends all gathered in great sadness, in obvious pain or a reasonably happy group gathered to reminisce about our happy times together. Celebrating and I hope appreciating our time together. Laughing telling jokes even if they are at my expense, I certainly know I have given every one enough to be able to come up with some sort of a joke about my often silly ways. Celebrate what we had, instead of mourning what is lost. The loss is only temporary.

I am not sure how this transition from the physical to spiritual works, but I can’t help but think I may be aided on my way knowing, my life gave reason for a celebration.

Maybe, this is a final act of selfishness on my part, I don’t know.

I ask for comments. Can we turn a funeral into a celebration of life? Would doing that take away from the healing process of the families?

Yesterday, was not a good day felt tired most of the day and today is starting off the same. I keep thinking maybe, instead of fighting the tiredness, I should just throw up when the feeling comes. May be it is nature or something, I don’t know, but I fight the urge until the end. When, I am feeling that way, controlling the tiredness is the only thought in my head. I need sleep. Ah,well when a day starts off like this you know all it can do is get better, always have that to look forward to.

My administrator’s site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.

It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subsides and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.

I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, whatever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.

Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another? The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.

Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what people say (2012 impending). I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death; I just want to delay it as long as possible.

In addition to the comments left here on the blog, I get many many emails from personal friends, blogging friends and even from family members of blogging friends. I feel honored that many share with me intimate and very personal details of their lives as they struggle with various issues (learning experiences).

I do feel honored that they do feel that level of comfort and trust in me that I will never betray the confidentiality of their messages. Which, I will never do.

It really reinforces to me the idea that “EVERYONE is fighting their own battles in life”. No one is continually living the perfect life. At the same time no one is continually living a terrible life, although it can most certainly seem like it at times. Those were the two keys, in what I am trying to say: “AT TIMES”.

I read a quote somewhere that went something like: “No one ever said life would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.” I am not sure if that is the exact wording but it was something like that and its true IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

I think of life as a journey. A journey on the highway of life. No matter which highway you travel on, you will never find one that goes on endlessly with no bumps in the road, potholes and even detours. Everyone is on their own journey and will face their own bumps and detours in their highways. We have to accept that for ourselves and for all others. Everyone is fighting their own battles. It would be nice if life provided us with a road map so we could know when a bump or detour in the highway is coming. None of us have that and must accept there will be bumps ahead. No, when I think of it, I don’t think such a map would be a good idea. If we had one we would be so focused on the upcoming bump we would forget to enjoy the smooth highway we are currently on. I thing we already tend to do to much of that, worrying about tomorrow to the point we rob our selves of the pleasure of today.
Anyone and everyone can look back over their lives and remember past situations. Past situations that while in the midst of them, we felt despair and even very discouraged. Remember the feelings back then and that somehow you got through it and eventually hit another smooth stretch on the highway of life. How did we get through it, likely don’t even know, just plodded along until we got there. The thing is we got there. I needed to really look at my past to exactly what I am talking about here.

God recognizes us all as being human; He doesn’t expect perfection from any of us only that we keep trying. Just keep trying, plugging away as best we can and we get through it often to our own surprise and at times in spite of ourselves. The how doesn’t even really matter as much as the plain fact that we do get through. Hopefully we learn from that experience and again for a while travel on, on a smooth stretch on the highway of life.

My prayers go to all that are struggling

This may sound strange but the past few days I have been thinking about my thinking, where do some of my thoughts come from. Now I am not talking about here on the blog, I believe I know that. I am talking in just every day, day to day stuff.

At times I wonder about the brain not functioning. It is there, about the size of a large walnut. It’s located on the right frontal side. This is I am told the part of the brain that we use for things like judgment, control of impulsive actions, actually quite a few things that sort of determine the person I am. Our brain is naturally contained within the confines of our skull. Being confined as such, there is no natural room for swelling or for such a thing as a tumor.

I am what I consider to be a deep thinker and not prone to acting impulsively but I have notice that now arising and will just have to be more aware.

Just realized something, if I write something stupid or ridiculous, I can just blame it on the non-functioning of the brain. lol

First off, I believe in equality in every aspect, no exceptions. OK, that is a given. But, my mind is wandering along the lines, is there or should there at least be one additional expectation of men. Maybe some of this stems from something I can remember my mother saying when I was young. You know how something’s just sort of stand out or stick in your mind, well this is one of those for me.

“Always be a man. A real man is a gentleman. A gentleman always shows due respect to others. Under no circumstances would a gentleman ever hit a woman or anyone smaller than himself. He will always stand up to protect and defend his loved ones, himself and anyone in need.”

There may have been more, that I don’t remember. I like to consider myself a gentleman. Have there been times in my life where I know I have fallen short of that definition, sadly yes. But, it is something I have tried to generally live my life by.

I know there is an equally good argument about the ladies standing up and maybe one day I will post my thoughts on that. But, today I am just talking about the men and specifically in the home, thoughts on other areas of life will likely follow.

I just can’t fathom how any male that sees himself as really being a man, “the man of the house” could use his possible greater size and strength to do anything but protect your loved ones. There is no circumstance, situation or event, as angry as you may be, that could justify violence against women and children. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS, NONE. It is time for all real men to stand up and be counted, show yourself as being a man. If anyone realizes in their hearts, changes could be make. How about starting that change today, right now.

As men, we do often possess a larger physical stature and even greater physical strength. Let’s use that in the way it was meant to be used.

I guarantee, I will never strike a woman or child.

I guarantee, I will never use my size to bully anyone, ever.

I guarantee, if we hear a noise in the middle of the night. I will be the one checking it out, baseball bat in hand.

I guarantee, if anyone says or does anything, I ever perceive as being done to intentionally hurt my loved ones. I will be in your face, immediately.

It is almost strange reading that last point. I know it to be true. The strange part is I am a very easy going relaxed kind of guy. Very little upsets or bothers me, say or do something to me and I will very likely just laugh it off. Do the very same thing to my family, different story all together.

A direct question to every male reading this. Are you a gentleman, a real man or merely an over sized jerk pretending to be a man? Give it some thought before you automatically reply.

So final post for this file “Belief”,

I invite all to join together with me. A group of friends doing our part to make the lives of others better. With every act of kindness, we do in fact make the world a little bit better. We do this simply because we can, because we care about others, all others people all people, we care about the world.

I once heard what I consider to be a very good definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing, in the same way over and over again and still being upset or disappointed when the results come out unchanged.” This applies to our very lives, if we day after day continue to do the same thing, in the same way, how can we expect there to be any change. Change of any sort must begin from within, within each and everyone of us. As people change, so will the world.

I invite and encourage all to join my very non-exclusive group of friends. All are welcome, no restrictions of any kind. I have read in many places that people become more committed to something if they have signed a document of commitment. So in that regard I have set up this new page title “Spirit within me”. The word “me” should be read as applying to each individual and definitely not me, as in Miqdad. It represents the spirit contained with each of you. I hope people will sign up and take membership in the group as a serious commitment.

OK, what is the group about. It is just a group of friends joining together to try in any small way to bring about changes within themselves, writing and sharing blogs, within the lives of others and ultimately to the world.

Is there a cost to belong to this group? YES, but not a monetary cost. The cost is something much more precious than mere money. The cost is spending some of your precious time. How much time? Five minutes a week. I don’t care how busy anyone’s life is, there is no one that can honestly say they couldn’t squeeze in 5 minutes a week. How is that 5 minutes of precious time to be spent? Actively looking for and performing an extra act of kindness. It is to be preformed for another, to whom doesn’t matter, the size of the act doesn’t matter. What matters is that we all take the time, even just 5 minutes a week to look for a way to perform an act of kindness.

Second, requirement. If any thanks is offered we decline to accept it. Instead state only that the only thanks you require or request is that this person, repay you by passing on another act of kindness be passed on to yet another. Think of the ripples we are creating.

Benefits, unlimited, gained from the peace and love to be contained within our hearts. That warm fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing I did something good, not because I had to but simply because I wanted to.

A Unique group, built for a cause 🙂

As I wrote that a thought just came to me. I am a lucky man. Here I am complaining about addictive issues. I think poor me; here I have been fighting this “addictive blow” for over nine years now. I realize I am letting it drag me down a little. I get feed up with the constant huffing, puffing and wheezing. It seems to almost clear up but then suddenly comes back with a vengeance, each time seemingly worst than the last. OK, yes it is getting worse. But, I think in my own mind I am maybe letting it get to me a little more and through that feeling it even more.

I need to give my head a shake and really see things in proper prospective. I am a lucky man. There is no doubt about that. There are so many that have it so very much worse off than do I.

OK, talking to myself: “You are focusing on only one small part of the big picture of your life. Look at the big picture of your life as it is even just today. Yeah, this breathing is frustrating and annoying but really it is a pretty small part of the overall picture. You are still breathing be grateful for that. Fine you can’t walk up a flight of stairs or take a shower without huffing and puffing. Put a positive spin on it, that also means you can’t go out and shovel snow when it is -40 or you’re in the arctic circle, now you have to like that. You are lucky compared to so many, think of those that have been in pain, agony for the past year suffering so much. Here you are feeling sorry for yourself for a little shortness of breath. Shame on you.”

Well I have been sitting here thinking about things for the past 10 or 15 minutes. Actually, that talking to that I gave myself seems to have helped. I am a very blessed and a very lucky man.

I can breathe that in itself is a huge blessing. I have to wonder how many people have ever stopped to think of that simple fact as being a blessing. How many things are there in our lives that we just automatically take for granted just because it is (or they) are there.

Why is it that perceived negativity can dominate our thoughts so easily? What do I mean by that? We can be traveling down the highway of life on a smooth section, life is good. At times like this do we really stop and think, realize at that time the blessings we have in our lives. The things the people we have in our lives that are making this stretch of the highway so smooth. Or, do we just sail along.

Now by contrast, if we hit a little pothole or bump on the highway of life, does that pothole, problem, issue, opportunity to grow, suddenly get our undivided attention. Suddenly forgotten are all the blessings that make our lives so content just yesterday. They are still there, but seem to be immediately forgotten with all of our attention instead going to the perceived issue we are facing. Suddenly our entire life can seem to be wrapped up in that one issue, the issue of the moment.

Almost always the issue of the moment proves to be just a small bump on the highway. But, when we hit it we allow it to take on monumental proportion in our minds. I ask you, why is it we seem to so easily let the smallest perceived negative issue to suddenly outweigh a world or positives and blessings.

What benefit comes from feeling Hate? I posed the question to another individual today and his response was that Hate gives you focus. The few times I have experienced an intense hatred for something or someone I recall that focus. Everything faded about me and all that mattered was the object of my hate. The focus was like a razor and the urge to tear down and destroy the focus of my Hate pushed me to action. This was not a benefit. Much like a horse wearing blinders on its bridle I was blinded to any outside facts. I could not see how my actions might affect others or even my own life if I completed them. Shielded from truths and extenuating circumstances, I was able to hold onto my Hate by keeping focus on my own feelings. This self centered dwelling was a selfish action and brought me no real benefit. In the end, the one time I gave into action, I was left with regrets and knowledge of things I wish I had known before hand. Knowledge that I could have easily obtained if I hadn’t allowed Hate to keep my focus so one sided.

Further discussing this we, the individual and I came to the conclusion that Hate allows you to feel self righteous. You cannot hate something or someone and not feel better than your hated target. “Hate” for someone you feel is better or more privileged than you is not actual hate, but instead is envy or jealousy. “Hate” of self is a sensitive subject. I could be swayed into believing such an emotion is possible, however my companion at the time was firm in saying you cannot hate yourself, at least not in the sense that we were speaking of Hate. You can hate your perception of yourself, believing yourself capable of better, which is a form of self righteous behavior. If you feel a “hate” towards yourself but do not believe you can better your inner being or situation, you are in envy of what could have been or should have been, thus bringing us back from hate into jealousy.

Self righteous behavior is belief in being moralistically superior then something or someone else. It gives a false impression of happiness, because it is not sustainable. We all eventually fall off our high horses through mistakes that we make in our lives. This causes us to doubt our supremacy and brings about negative emotions which a self righteous person is required to deflect much like arrows being fired towards a shield. Thus, I have come to the conclusion that hatred’s self righteousness is a fleeting emotion with little to no real benefit on the psych of the individual.

Ironically, those of us who experience hate often do so with some resemblance of silence. Inanimate objects or organizations beyond our reach never gain a sense of our emotions. Individuals who we might hate rarely know the extent of our feelings and even if they do rarely feel anything more than a passing sense of dismay or amusement. Hate is not a weapon against an enemy you behold; it does not have the power to destroy it, him, her or them on its own.

Hate can have a lasting impact on an individual who feels it. It has been liken to a poison that slowly kills the body. Feelings of intense hate (Hate is an intense emotion, anything less is anger or possibly rage.) can cause a being to feel physical sensations. Illness in the stomach, a weakness in your limbs, dizzy or lack of coordination, fuzzy or temporary lost of sight. These sensations can be linked to several physical responses within the body which change how your heart, liver, stomach, spleen and hormones respond. Hate is part of the flight or flight instinct within us, and can be used to defend ourselves from danger. It’s not designed for a prolong response. Hatred can result in damage to your heart, problems with blood pressure, or physical damage to the stomach resulting in conditions such as ulcers.

Tragically, Hate can kill you. In hating someone or something, you are doing damage to your mental and physical state. Next time you feel that sensation sweep you up and bubble to the surface consider your feelings. In an action of compartmentalization, step back from the feeling and examine it. Separate yourself from the hate and break it down into pieces which you can examine. Decide which parts will impact you long term and look for solutions to solve or endure.  The immediate sensations of hurt, fear or frustration discard as temporary side effects of your situation. Start to slow down the poison that’s spreading within your own body and gain a healthy and happier state of mind

I’ve been thinking about this entry all day long. Where to start? Where to end is the more important question. I’ve been holding emotions in for a very long time, and ive run out of people to bore with my constant ranting, so I’ve made the transition to the internet. But, this is not the topic of this entry. What I will try to accomplish is getting stuff off of my chest. I am tired of holding this in, and I’m opening up to anyone who is willing to read this.

So, I will just open up on how my personality has changed over the last couple of years. Basically, as soon as I hit middle school, i immediately became part of a “group” of friends. Gone were the days of harmlessly playing around with whoever you wanted, because kids in middle school begin judging people based on menial things that just didn’t matter in the lower echelons of schooling. So 7th grade was fine, no real big occurrences there, other than the judging. But in 8th grade, I decided to become different. I grew tired of being what everyone else wanted me to be and became my own person. I grew my hair out and started wearing darker clothes. Almost as soon as I walked into the school that morning, the constant nags began. “What happened?”, “why’d you go Goth on us?”. At first, I shrugged it off; I ignored them. But it kept coming, day after day people judged, and day after day i drifted further apart from general society. By the halfway point in the school year, I was an emotional wreck; I had resulted to destructive behaviors such as cutting (which I’ve long quit). When people saw those, it only got worse.

I’ve developed a cynical attitude towards people. I make judgments quickly, and I stick to them. People still continue to judge me. In fact, the first day of high school, I was accused of being stoned simply because I was tired and my eyes were red. If I looked like a normal person, that wouldn’t have happened, but my hair is long for a guy, so I was stereotyped as a stoner, only adding to my hate towards the general populace.

I spend a lot of time alone, which may sound bad, but has also opened a lot of doors for me creatively. It was during one of my lonely nights that I got into writing, and I’m proud to say I am excellent at it, it’s saved my life. I also have developed as a squash player. I’m not incredible, but I’m just learning.

At school, I walk around with a fake smile and say hi to people that say it first. I’ve gone from an overly charismatic person to somewhat of a loner.
Just a short post for now will continue this baggage in the next one.

This is the point where I enter a new chapter, a new place, a new existence in this “life, part 2” of mine.

There has been a shift, one so stark and unignorable that I have very quickly made some important decisions about myself and my life and have begun to act on those.

The other night, I lay in bed, wide awake at 2 a.m., feeling this immense pressure on my chest. Everything about my life felt too overwhelming. I kept thinking about this last year, everything that has happened, how it’s affected me, what it all means for my future; I was wondering how I could continue to carry all this and move forward at the same time, knowing it would be impossible, when in a flash, a wave of anger washed over me.

“What the Hell, man?” That’s exactly what I told myself. “Why am I in this agony when I’m the only one in it? Why am I stressing over other people and whatever shit they have going on in their heads, especially when none of them stress about me?” It was a night where I asked a series of questions of myself – a lot of “why’s” – where I indulged in one final pity party even as I lay there facing some very harsh truths.

And from there, it all took a turn. I realized that (due to a few specific events/reasons) I was living in this suspended state of tension – like when you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in that state, you just can’t move or do much. I’ve been waiting for something to happen – for a change, for words, for something.

And the truth is, there’s nothing. There’s nothing but all that is right in front of me. How can I wait or wonder about or expect something beyond all that is right before me? I am suddenly very aware of how I apply this concept in all aspects of my life: I am always wondering if the people around me are holding back; I’m always waiting for more – for their real feelings, their real thoughts. Why don’t I just take it all at face value? If someone doesn’t say more, or something different, isn’t there a greater chance that they don’t simply because the more or the different is just not there?

So with all this, during that long, torturous night, I realized I had to stop it. I realized I was entitled to my sadness and my anger and my frustration, but that I could not let them control me, nor let them cloud my life. They are there. They will be there for God knows how long. But they are not me, and they don’t have the right to keep robbing me of all the possibilities before me.

It is just that I am so indescribably tired of everything. I am especially tired of myself, of being this person who devotes way too much time and energy and emotion to people and relationships in way that is just too one-sided. I am tired of hope, of thinking that there must be something better, because that notion will keep me tied to an illusion for an indefinite amount of time if I continue with it. I have told myself for months now to keep my chin up, to be hopeful of life, to stay open – blah, blah, blah. For now, it is just done for me. No more. No more of this ridiculous bullshit; I’m over it.

I have realized that there are just some things that I have to accept, whether I like it or not, whether I think it’s fair or not. I just have to accept it. And I have to do whatever it takes to keep my life moving forward, no matter how drastic, no matter the cost. I have had this recurring vision of myself standing still while all around me thousands of tiny axes fall; it is a bizarre but accurate description of what I feel. I am at this point determined to take whatever measures necessary until I am free of this sucking agony that has taken every shred of happiness from me.

I am done – so, so, so done. I miss smiling easily and being light-hearted and in a playful mood; I miss not being so freakishly sensitive and taking everything personally. I miss my self-esteem and self-confidence. So there is no more of this shit. No more me stressing over others, stressing over what they think of me, what they feel (or don’t) for me, stressing over all the ways in which I fail. There is no more me measuring my words, acting cautiously for fear of pissing someone off.

I haven’t got much of a definite plan right now, but the shift that I needed has occurred. And now, I am committed to seeing this through to a better end.