Posts Tagged ‘moments’

I thought I would give this abuse stuff a bit of a break. But there is a story I came upon on another blog. I read it and was so touched by it. I should have put the site on my blog roll or bookmarked it or something so I could go back and read it again. It just sort of keeps coming back to me again and again. It gave me a bit more of an insight into why possibly some suffers of abuse don’t seek help or at least take it when offered. I don’t know just my thoughts.

A part of it was about misdirected negative feelings. It spoke of long term abuse suffers being so beaten down, so defeated, they had no energy left to fight or really try any more. It goes back to the trained helplessness and hopelessness. I wish I had copied it to post it here, it states so much better the conditions of these situations than I can.

It spoke of women but I know it would equally apply to men. People who after 30 or 40 years of abuse are just left feeling empty and defeated. No energy to face anymore challenges, barely enough energy to just get through the day. They are so beaten down they are vulnerable to any and all that should wish to use or take advantage of them. They may have escaped from the abusive partner only to have that role taken over by other family members. Here I am talking brothers, sisters and even children to parents. There is no end of people willing to take advantage is given the opportunity, friend, neighbors, coworkers that list would be endless. Wittingly or unwittingly many seem to sense when someone is vulnerable and can be taken advantage of. I am sure this taking advantage of, using, controlling or abusing starts off with something small. But, it almost seems like human nature, if you get away with something small the tendency is continue pushing the envelope just to see how far you can take it. I am sure so often it is even at a subconscious level. The situation gradually evolves, expands and grows until it reaches the point total control is established over the other. I am sure even at that point many do not even realize what they are doing. Things have evolved and changed so slowly that it is not even realized that we have taken control of or are dominating the life of another. We don’t even realize or appreciate what is being done. It reaches the point where it becomes an expectation. “She will do what I want or I will be very mad and will make her life so miserable she will eventually cave in and I will get my way, as it should have been.”

Our abuse victim is pushed even further down. I have read our own children can be the worst at doing this. Our abuse victim just gives up. Her self esteem and self confidence so beat and taken away, she has no confidence in her own decisions. It is just easier to let anyone, even my kids decide what I should be doing, their decisions are likely better than mine anyway, and I just don’t have the energy to fight them, so be it.

I was surprised to read of a quite a number of women actually seeing and recognizing a loving, healthy hand being extended to help them. Of them feeling it was the right thing, the healthy thing to do but of them refusing the offered hand. Possibly maybe because of lack of trust in her own ability to make the right decision but mostly because of the objections of her own family. I am not sure if their objections were based on their own fear of change, I certainly hope not to just exert their control, this I just can’t believe.

I read of women giving up on what they knew would be a real chance of happiness in a healthy relationship because it was too much bother. Their families were comfortable the way things were and didn’t want change and fought it. In each case she just gave in not having the energy to fight for anything, not even her own health, happiness and well being.

I read of the stories of 3 women that had managed to find a new love. A love with a good loving and respectful man. In each case family pressure was so great; it became so stressful each ended the relationship. One guy ran for the hills never to be seen again. The other 2 had too much love to just give up that easily, they persisted in trying to wooing the lady they loved. Neither realized what they were really up against. Each attempted contact caused such uproar in the home, more and more stress for the lady. So much stress she began to dread the thought of him calling, knowing the stress and tension in the home that it would cause. In each woman apparently the feelings of love remained intact, but she began to resent the man for calling or trying to contact her because of the family stress it would cause her.

This is what I call the misdirected negative feelings. Here we had 3 women that had loving hands extended to them. Three women that had a chance at a healthy happy life but gave it up. Not only that but their negative feelings were directed at the loving man, the health support and not at those holding her back, controlling her life. I don’t get it!!!!!!!!

I have often encouraged people to shed negative draining relationships from your life and surround yourself with healthy, supportive and nurturing relationships. I just ask before you shed a relationship, please be sure you are sure where the negativity is coming from and be sure you shed the correct relationship. In the case if the relationship that needs to be sheded is with family, remember that doesn’t necessarily have to mean ending or cutting the ties, just the relationship as it is. End it as it is and reform it into a new and healthy one.

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What benefit comes from feeling Hate? I posed the question to another individual today and his response was that Hate gives you focus. The few times I have experienced an intense hatred for something or someone I recall that focus. Everything faded about me and all that mattered was the object of my hate. The focus was like a razor and the urge to tear down and destroy the focus of my Hate pushed me to action. This was not a benefit. Much like a horse wearing blinders on its bridle I was blinded to any outside facts. I could not see how my actions might affect others or even my own life if I completed them. Shielded from truths and extenuating circumstances, I was able to hold onto my Hate by keeping focus on my own feelings. This self centered dwelling was a selfish action and brought me no real benefit. In the end, the one time I gave into action, I was left with regrets and knowledge of things I wish I had known before hand. Knowledge that I could have easily obtained if I hadn’t allowed Hate to keep my focus so one sided.

Further discussing this we, the individual and I came to the conclusion that Hate allows you to feel self righteous. You cannot hate something or someone and not feel better than your hated target. “Hate” for someone you feel is better or more privileged than you is not actual hate, but instead is envy or jealousy. “Hate” of self is a sensitive subject. I could be swayed into believing such an emotion is possible, however my companion at the time was firm in saying you cannot hate yourself, at least not in the sense that we were speaking of Hate. You can hate your perception of yourself, believing yourself capable of better, which is a form of self righteous behavior. If you feel a “hate” towards yourself but do not believe you can better your inner being or situation, you are in envy of what could have been or should have been, thus bringing us back from hate into jealousy.

Self righteous behavior is belief in being moralistically superior then something or someone else. It gives a false impression of happiness, because it is not sustainable. We all eventually fall off our high horses through mistakes that we make in our lives. This causes us to doubt our supremacy and brings about negative emotions which a self righteous person is required to deflect much like arrows being fired towards a shield. Thus, I have come to the conclusion that hatred’s self righteousness is a fleeting emotion with little to no real benefit on the psych of the individual.

Ironically, those of us who experience hate often do so with some resemblance of silence. Inanimate objects or organizations beyond our reach never gain a sense of our emotions. Individuals who we might hate rarely know the extent of our feelings and even if they do rarely feel anything more than a passing sense of dismay or amusement. Hate is not a weapon against an enemy you behold; it does not have the power to destroy it, him, her or them on its own.

Hate can have a lasting impact on an individual who feels it. It has been liken to a poison that slowly kills the body. Feelings of intense hate (Hate is an intense emotion, anything less is anger or possibly rage.) can cause a being to feel physical sensations. Illness in the stomach, a weakness in your limbs, dizzy or lack of coordination, fuzzy or temporary lost of sight. These sensations can be linked to several physical responses within the body which change how your heart, liver, stomach, spleen and hormones respond. Hate is part of the flight or flight instinct within us, and can be used to defend ourselves from danger. It’s not designed for a prolong response. Hatred can result in damage to your heart, problems with blood pressure, or physical damage to the stomach resulting in conditions such as ulcers.

Tragically, Hate can kill you. In hating someone or something, you are doing damage to your mental and physical state. Next time you feel that sensation sweep you up and bubble to the surface consider your feelings. In an action of compartmentalization, step back from the feeling and examine it. Separate yourself from the hate and break it down into pieces which you can examine. Decide which parts will impact you long term and look for solutions to solve or endure.  The immediate sensations of hurt, fear or frustration discard as temporary side effects of your situation. Start to slow down the poison that’s spreading within your own body and gain a healthy and happier state of mind

Here I go with the last blog of this file, Random moments. I have been writing very very fast and I need to slow down so that people cope up with their reading speed. Almost all the blogs are either too sentimental or emotional but I’ll try and put some humor in this one, so you enjoy reading it. This blog contains some very important personalities which has really helped me in some way or the other.

Shahmeer Magsi AKA SHAGGY MAGGY, this specie was my teacher and a very good friend. He is round as a beach ball and he usually scolds me when I do something wrong or silly. I’ve had some very awe-inspiring moments with him, going for breakfast/dinner, gossiping and making life fun… but he still has to fix one meeting with William 😉



Sennen D’souza, this son of a biscuit has millions of excuses and actually he was born because of an excuse. Spending time with him is fun, he is supportive and helps you when you are stuck making a report or a presentation. He is a lazy bump and often behaves like a pregnant lady.

Maroof Motan and Muddasir Ansar, these sons of their mom are true friends, they usually move together and I don’t know why aren’t they twin brothers. We usually exchange bharams and laugh in the end. Currently we are checking out chicks, for which is good and which one is SAB HALAL HAI.

Madiha Kherani and Zainab Abduallah, these two nerds share an apartment, can’t comment about their orientation but they are good friends. They both are from a village called Hyderabad, they’ve come to the city to pursue their future education.

UroojPariyani, this one sick woman is engaged and she makes your life hell, she’ll soon be a patient of ulcer. She sneezes very loud disturbing half a dozen of the class with her sneezes. If you are working in a group then make her the group leader she’ll surely haunt everyone in the group.

Ismat Hashmi… she is irritated by my chewing gum, muddi’s beard, fahd’s hair and a lot more… you read her statuses on facebook and it seems she is the most innocent girl on the planet, earth… a victim spared by tsunami 😉

Roydon D’mello, this man has actually taught me how to write a blog, this son of his mom is a very good friend of fine and has really helped me in every aspect of life.

Sarfaraz Memon, this hairy bitch doesn’t know how to pronounce psychology instead he calls it PSY-CHO-LOO-GYY. You’ll surely love pulling his chest hair; I love to, as a revenge because he once shaved my beard, in other words actually raped me.

Moiz Khan, a pure gentleman now working to get hooked up with a Spanish girl. He is one of the oldest friend since my nursery days. He have had some very memorable times, stealing exam papers and making fun of people around.

Hassan Qadir, Ali, Fahd, Yasir, they are the integral part of the famous six gang, Hassan is now hooked up with s***** and soon they are going to have children, ali is working hard with sadaf and they’ll soon get married. Hope I don’t offend both of them with this…. haha…

Yasir has flunked his CA exams and is now planning how to tackle his dad.. he is usually quiet and thinks what he’l do once he is married

Fahd… this man is a dental man with lots of fat and carbohydrates… this lumion studies hard and competes with everyone be it of his caliber or not 😉

Virda Hassan, a very good friend since my child hood days. Boss of all the girls and very good at academics. She has really put us together, the happy home gang. And I expect a treat from her for her admission in NED.

Wajiha Inam, an ex-ex-Happy Homer. Was or is a good friend, she is good but engaged ;-p. And actually she is a genius and is wasting time in getting married and being a good house wife… Chinioti’s usually think this way…no offence.

Ashar Raza, this son of a moron messes up his life in every way possible. If he talks to a girl he thinks she is his girl friend’s, he imagines getting married with her and soon they both have children…imagining.

Salman Lotia and Sikandar Khan, they usually are the quietest people of the gang. They either don’t speak a word in public or they would mumble to themselves. Sikandar is nick named as jiglo and salman’s nick cannot be said in public…

Shoaib Patel, haha…. You cross on a red light, a cop catches you and starts writing on a challan book, shoaib comes out of his car and says “QASIM PATEL IS MY DADA” cop closes the book and vanishes. This thin little man is a good friend of mine, I could write a whole book on him but due to time and space constraints I would move on. he is not made of nutrients put attitude is his built- in characteristic. 😀

Faizan Usman AKA Memon, this man really gets annoyed when you say GANJA SHAITAN in front of him…lol… leave it aside. He finally got into IQRA and according to him it is the top university and meena kumari is the best female on the planet earth. Fortunately he forgot muzzamil, who he once planned to hook up with… 😉

Fahad Shah, he is a cry baby, he tends to make fun of people but unfortunately these days’ people have made his life hell. He loves zahid a lot and we just come to know that he is gay… 🙂

Asad Shah, this man is too good to be called a friend. He lives quite far but I would do almost every single thing to stay in touch with him.

Mustafa Daud, this son of his mom has a funny dad who is usually out of town. I have spent some fantastic moments with him, from Valentine’s Day till father’s day. And this man is always up to help me out in very shit I drop into.

Afshan Shabbir, this young lady is a problem solver, she advices you which girl is good for you and which one would make your life hell. She is a sweet heart.

Asif Faruqi, a man with enormous political knowledge and biased ideas… this man should have been in the police… he’s violent like a dog master…bad helpful at time

Adeel Hanif… one of my new friends at university but he is the only maulana who I think is religiously unbiased and he tends to think logically… he is the answer to every question of mine… thankyou man I’ll be needing you in my future endeavors.

Puply and duply… these two are the gay couples i met in my university… puply call a day before the final exam and say Hallllllloooo in an exhausted manner and frights you away. duply has plans to join politics.

Faizan Masood, I have kept this guy for the last because he has done almost everything for me, what you call a diehard friend. A friend who would come to you at 4 in the morning if you stuck in some sort of shit or he would come and rescue you from the jail. Words can’t express our friendship.

Some new friends are still to mention in my next blog.

Good luck

Have a nice day 🙂