Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Have been keeping a pretty low profile this past while, not doing much at all. Busy with work, two hot events coming up. Hope they turn out well.

Obviously, I have experienced this in the past and admit to having had periods of woe is me. Unless you have had breathing issues it is hard to imagine how it does suck the energy out of you. It is almost like with each breath you aren’t getting quite enough air.

My attitude has changed over time. There is no sign of any “woe in me” anywhere. It has been replaced with a really profound sense of gratitude that I am in fact still breathing.

As i sit here I think of all the times in my past when I allowed the “woe is me” to take over my mind-set. Times when life wasn’t going my way. Thoughts like, “why did this have to happen” or “why did he/she have to do that”, “It is just not fair, why did this have to happen to me, woe is me”. I would mope, wallow around until some how things seemed to get back on track and again be going “MY” way and only then was I happy again. As I think about it really how selfish is that? Getting upset, sulking when you don’t get your way. It is sad when I think of all that wasted time. I read somewhere that time is like money in that you only get to spend it once. When it is gone it is gone. How wisely we spend it is up to us. huh, so much of mine wasn’t spent in the wisest way and that I do regret.

I can’t get back the time I wasted in the past but I can be sure I don’t waste anymore going forward.

There is another saying something to the effect: Life may not be the party we had hoped for but we might as well dance while we are here.  Huh, something just hit me and I actually got up and danced. Now since I am alone here at the moment I really laid down a few fancy steps and moves, let me tell you.lol. “Miqdad” dancing is a style of its own.lol. Give it a try, stand up right now and just let it loose, I dare you. OK, maybe don’t overdo it, my little dance has me huffing and puffing but it was worth it.

LIFE TAKES EFFORT BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT.

Why do I write this blog? One part of the reason is to I hope help others realize the priorities in life. To realize how truly wonderful life is. Of how we take so much of it for granted. I urge all to take a look at your own life; maybe certain parts are “upside down” right now. Don’t focus on the areas of life that aren’t going our way. Look at the big picture of your life; you will if you are honest see much to be grateful for. If your life is upside down and you just can’t see anything to be grateful for. I challenge you to look again, with this thought in mind. I am grateful for just being able to breathe. Would you like to trade places and then look back at your life as it is?

Don’t put criticism on what you read, I read a comment put forward by an English teacher, it wad though rude and meaningless. But still comments are always welcome. I personally thing you should extract good point on what you read neither putting up comments just for the heck of it.

Good Night 🙂

I am not sure why this year is different than others it seems. We just passed Mother’s Day and I seem to be spending more time thinking of my mother than I have in past years. It is more than 17 years since she’s been babying me. Every year on Mother’s Day and on her birthday, I make a point of taking at least a few minutes to sit quietly and just think of her, say a little prayer and thank her for being my mother and pray for her long life.

Talking about a friend I lost last year in June. My belief system did indeed help ease the pain and sense of loss at her passing. I KNOW she was in a tremendous amount of pain prior to her passing. I KNOW she is now in a much much better place, I KNOW I will in God’s time be seeing her again. I KNOW that her leaving this world when she did was what God knew to be best for her and He called her home. I KNEW in my heart even back at the time that I should be happy for her that she was gone, I mean considering where I knew she had gone to. I KNEW my feelings of grief and loss were the inner selfish me seeing only what I was losing, having her in my life. I certainly can’t say that even with this belief that it made the dealing with her loss easy, it certainly was not, but I do think it helped, at least makes it easier.

In my mind I have a comparable I use when I think of the loss of a loved one, I know I have written about it before.

I think of this. Suppose a loved one won something really spectacular say a cruise around the world that would last a full year. You know your loved one would have the time of their lives, be happier than possibly ever before. How do you deal with this? You do want your loved one to be happy, but having him/her gone for a full year. That could mean you have to make changes to your own life, I mean a year is a long time for them to be gone. I am sure there are many but I see there as being basically 3 different ways we could deal with it.

#1. Feel our love for the person foremost. Be happy for them; be so glad in your own heart that they have this chance for happiness and joy. Encourage and support them as they prepare for this wonderful time. For sure you know you are going to miss them, but know you can deal with it. The fact they will be happy makes you happy. To me this is the loving approach.

#2. You grudgingly give into them going. But, you make it plain and obvious how difficult things will be for you without them around for this time. You rob them of the shine the excitement of the trip. You fill them with worry and dread about how you will be able to make out with them gone. Yes, they may still go but the enjoyment factor of possibly the entire time is greatly reduced. Who is to know, maybe the enjoyment is even replaced with regret for having gone on the trip, we are so filled with worry about those left behind, how they are doing and how they are feeling.

#3. We take our personal selfishness to the extreme. I don’t care how much joy or happiness he/she will have. I need him/her here with me. I don’t want to have to make any changes in my life, I want things to remain as they are. I like life as it is now and I don’t want him/her to even think of changing the way I want it to be. So what if they miss out on this chance, there will be others. Now way I am going to let them do this to me, I am going to do anything and everything I can to stop it. “I know the way things should be and will be.”

As I am sitting here I realize this applies to virtually every situation in our lives, when it comes to dealing with loved ones and well with everyone in which we have contact. Each of us is an individual and as such have our own personal “agendas”. Our personal agendas motivate our actions and interactions with all others. Are our motives our actions love based or are they based on our own selfishness? I don’t think there is really any gray area here, when it really comes down to it, it is one or the other, love or selfishness. I know it is so easy to rationalize away our individual situations, thinking, “yeah but this is different”. NO IT IS NOT, not if you are honest and really get down to the core of the matter. I want and I really do try to make all of my actions and interactions love based.

Wow, I got off on a bit of a tangent there. But it is what I believe. I guess it is obvious I don’t plan my posts I just start writing what is in my heart and mind. Thoughts just go where they go. This is my journal and I just write.

I knew when my friend I mentioned about passed, she had gone on a voyage. A voyage to a wonderful destination where she would be so happy, she would be in such a better place and so very much better off. My sense of loss was real. I knew my life was changed forever. It would never be the same without her in it. But, I knew I could deal with the change. I chose to celebrate, remember and appreciate the time we had together rather than “just” mourn what I had lost.

I have no doubt, never have had any doubt, that this friend still “exists”. I use the term “exists” as I am not quite sure how else to describe it. She is maybe just in a different form, living in a different Realm.

I am not sure what has made this  Day different, it is almost like I can feel her presence here with me. Not sure, if that makes any sense of how else to describe it. It is just how I feel.

This post certainly took a different direction on me but that seems to so often happen. I have said before of my little routine before I write. I ask for guidance in finding the words that my help someone, anyone today.

I guess that will wait until tomorrow, I am tired and heading for a nap.

I am a bit of a “gimp” and so do have a lot of spare time on my hands. Different thoughts rattle around this hear of mine. I know my days are indeed numbered. I don’t know that that number of days is. I do know that whatever number of days I do have, will in the end not be enough. As I sit here thinking, I realize that I am sure applies to almost everyone. No matter how many days we are gifted with on this earth as it draws to a close we will wish for and want more days.

That sadly is largely out of our hands. Lives do have an expiration date. That is an unchangeable fact it is an inevitable fact for everyone of us.

We though are not entirely powerless in this whole process. We can’t change the end result but we can change what we do with our time, how we live our lives, right up until that last moment whenever it may be. So very many times I have written live life don’t just endure it. I imagine everyone would agree that is a wonderful idea but how do you get to do it? Life is so very hectic these days. We are all caught up on the frantic treadmill of life. It seems every moment of every day is already stretched to the breaking point as we struggle to just get through each day. I know I did that for years and years.

I don’t know how to word this so it makes sense. Being told you are dying can be a “good” thing. Now by good, I mean it really gives your head a shake and opens your eyes. It opens your eyes in that suddenly you see things differently. You are better able to really see the priorities in your life. OK, the dying part kind of sucks but the experience of having your eyes really opened and to be able to see life as it really is, is wonderful. I do know I certainly would have lived much of my life differently if in the past I had been able to see things as I do today. Can we learn from the mistakes of others, yes? Will we learn, I don’t know, that is up to the individual.

I have this saying bouncing around in my head; I am not sure where I got it. I am sure it is too good to be a Miqdad’s original, ah who knows.

Faith will not necessarily help you avoid the storms in life, it will though teach you to dance in the rain. As we travel the highway of life we will indeed encounter storm after storm, issue after issue, problem after problem. That is life and in that way it is no different for any of us. The individual issues will differ but overall the journey is about the same. The only difference is how we weather those storms, are we devastated or have we learned to dance in the rain.

When I say devastated that may be too strong a word for a lot of situations, but you get the idea. I am talking about the trivial little issues in life that just seem to hit us the wrong way. We get all fired up and allow it to spoil our day. The sort of thing that in 3 months you aren’t even going to remember it anyway. OR, do we just think, “well that is kind of annoying but oh well it isn’t that big a deal.” We carry on enjoying our day. We make the best of a situation.

There are thousands of example I could use. I will pick just one that could very well be a big one for many.

Suppose you have a job, any job, it doesn’t matter, but you just hate it. You hate it so much you dread going to work every day, you are miserable every moment of every day. Well the obvious answer would be start looking around and get yourself a different job.
What do you do though if for anyone of hundreds of reasons, financial, location or whatever, getting a different job is simply out of the question and yes there are such reasons. What do you do then?

Change what you can and I do mean what you can and learn to live with or accept the other. If you find there is something you simply must live with, learn to live with it. Try to make the best of it, learn to dance in the rain. Sometimes all we can change is ourselves and our own attitudes. I used the job situation as an example but this applies to virtually every area of our lives, attitude is key. We ourselves decide if we are living life or enduring it. What are your thoughts?

Wow, be glad I used spell checker today plus I really hope the storm expectation today is wrong and diverts somewhere else.

Good Day 🙂

Yesterday, was not a good day felt tired most of the day and today is starting off the same. I keep thinking maybe, instead of fighting the tiredness, I should just throw up when the feeling comes. May be it is nature or something, I don’t know, but I fight the urge until the end. When, I am feeling that way, controlling the tiredness is the only thought in my head. I need sleep. Ah,well when a day starts off like this you know all it can do is get better, always have that to look forward to.

My administrator’s site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.

It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subsides and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.

I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, whatever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.

Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another? The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.

Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what people say (2012 impending). I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death; I just want to delay it as long as possible.

I was out sitting on the front step a few minutes ago and a thought hit me. I have come straight to the computer to write it now or with my memory it would very well be gone shortly.

This sounds very deep and philosophical, but what is life?

Very simply it is the time we spend here on this earth between birth or conception and when we die. Simply that, it is the time we spend here. That is a simple fact that applies to every single person with no exceptions.

Ah, but there are exceptions in how we choose to spend that time. We can squander and waste it or we can live it. Circumstances, position, finances have nothing to do with living life. All of those things just set the stage or the setting in which we can choose to live our lives or we can choose to waste them away. I know what I am trying to say but am not sure if I am using the wording to really describe it. I have often heard it said time is our most valuable asset or commodity. It is only of late that I have been able to really appreciate that fact.

Here is an official “Miq” statistic. OK, what is a “Miq” statistic? Oh, it is extremely scientifically reached. I mull a thought around in my head for 15 or 20 seconds come up with something that sounds about right to me, and there you have it a “Miq” statistic. Now according to “Miq” an estimated 2/3 to 3/4 of the population is not really living life. Oh, for sure, their bodies a physically alive and they get up and fight their way through each day and show every appearance of being physically alive. Physically alive they are. There is a fine point here that is difficult to grasp and it is only of late that I have actually been able to really see it. It takes more than being physically alive to live life. So many just plod along each day struggling to make it through that day that their lives just become a series of one crappy day after another.

I know that for myself, I so often became so entrenched in the events of the moment that I lost sight of the big picture. How do we stop doing that? Really our lives are often seen as what we are living at any given moment. There are all the sayings like, yesterday is but a memory, tomorrow but a dream, all we have is the present. A great saying, great advise. But, what do you do if your present life sucks. What do you do?

You continue to live it; you sometimes just blindly plough ahead. You live it the best way you can getting enjoyment where you can, all the while knowing this will change. That is one of the constants in life, nothing remains the same, and everything over time will change. It is almost like having a big elephant standing in the middle of a big room. The elephant dominates the room becomes like the main focal point of the room. If you are standing in a small room with a huge elephant in it how are you going to be able to see anything else? By taking the time, making the effort to look around and see the other wonders and beautiful things in the room (our lives). There is no denying the fact the elephant is there and must be dealt with. Even with it there it does not change the other beauty contained in the room it if anything, just over shadows it in our minds.

We fill our lives with expectations, which is a hope or desire we carry within us. I know this is very easy to say and so very hard to do. We don’t have to allow external issues affect our internal feelings often because our own life expectations weren’t met.

I really seem to have gotten on a roll here and was going to give examples from my own life to try and explain what I am talking about. It seems I have tired myself right out and need my nap. Have to see some people this evening

Good Day 😀

In addition to the comments left here on the blog, I get many many emails from personal friends, blogging friends and even from family members of blogging friends. I feel honored that many share with me intimate and very personal details of their lives as they struggle with various issues (learning experiences).

I do feel honored that they do feel that level of comfort and trust in me that I will never betray the confidentiality of their messages. Which, I will never do.

It really reinforces to me the idea that “EVERYONE is fighting their own battles in life”. No one is continually living the perfect life. At the same time no one is continually living a terrible life, although it can most certainly seem like it at times. Those were the two keys, in what I am trying to say: “AT TIMES”.

I read a quote somewhere that went something like: “No one ever said life would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.” I am not sure if that is the exact wording but it was something like that and its true IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

I think of life as a journey. A journey on the highway of life. No matter which highway you travel on, you will never find one that goes on endlessly with no bumps in the road, potholes and even detours. Everyone is on their own journey and will face their own bumps and detours in their highways. We have to accept that for ourselves and for all others. Everyone is fighting their own battles. It would be nice if life provided us with a road map so we could know when a bump or detour in the highway is coming. None of us have that and must accept there will be bumps ahead. No, when I think of it, I don’t think such a map would be a good idea. If we had one we would be so focused on the upcoming bump we would forget to enjoy the smooth highway we are currently on. I thing we already tend to do to much of that, worrying about tomorrow to the point we rob our selves of the pleasure of today.
Anyone and everyone can look back over their lives and remember past situations. Past situations that while in the midst of them, we felt despair and even very discouraged. Remember the feelings back then and that somehow you got through it and eventually hit another smooth stretch on the highway of life. How did we get through it, likely don’t even know, just plodded along until we got there. The thing is we got there. I needed to really look at my past to exactly what I am talking about here.

God recognizes us all as being human; He doesn’t expect perfection from any of us only that we keep trying. Just keep trying, plugging away as best we can and we get through it often to our own surprise and at times in spite of ourselves. The how doesn’t even really matter as much as the plain fact that we do get through. Hopefully we learn from that experience and again for a while travel on, on a smooth stretch on the highway of life.

My prayers go to all that are struggling

As I wrote that a thought just came to me. I am a lucky man. Here I am complaining about addictive issues. I think poor me; here I have been fighting this “addictive blow” for over nine years now. I realize I am letting it drag me down a little. I get feed up with the constant huffing, puffing and wheezing. It seems to almost clear up but then suddenly comes back with a vengeance, each time seemingly worst than the last. OK, yes it is getting worse. But, I think in my own mind I am maybe letting it get to me a little more and through that feeling it even more.

I need to give my head a shake and really see things in proper prospective. I am a lucky man. There is no doubt about that. There are so many that have it so very much worse off than do I.

OK, talking to myself: “You are focusing on only one small part of the big picture of your life. Look at the big picture of your life as it is even just today. Yeah, this breathing is frustrating and annoying but really it is a pretty small part of the overall picture. You are still breathing be grateful for that. Fine you can’t walk up a flight of stairs or take a shower without huffing and puffing. Put a positive spin on it, that also means you can’t go out and shovel snow when it is -40 or you’re in the arctic circle, now you have to like that. You are lucky compared to so many, think of those that have been in pain, agony for the past year suffering so much. Here you are feeling sorry for yourself for a little shortness of breath. Shame on you.”

Well I have been sitting here thinking about things for the past 10 or 15 minutes. Actually, that talking to that I gave myself seems to have helped. I am a very blessed and a very lucky man.

I can breathe that in itself is a huge blessing. I have to wonder how many people have ever stopped to think of that simple fact as being a blessing. How many things are there in our lives that we just automatically take for granted just because it is (or they) are there.

Why is it that perceived negativity can dominate our thoughts so easily? What do I mean by that? We can be traveling down the highway of life on a smooth section, life is good. At times like this do we really stop and think, realize at that time the blessings we have in our lives. The things the people we have in our lives that are making this stretch of the highway so smooth. Or, do we just sail along.

Now by contrast, if we hit a little pothole or bump on the highway of life, does that pothole, problem, issue, opportunity to grow, suddenly get our undivided attention. Suddenly forgotten are all the blessings that make our lives so content just yesterday. They are still there, but seem to be immediately forgotten with all of our attention instead going to the perceived issue we are facing. Suddenly our entire life can seem to be wrapped up in that one issue, the issue of the moment.

Almost always the issue of the moment proves to be just a small bump on the highway. But, when we hit it we allow it to take on monumental proportion in our minds. I ask you, why is it we seem to so easily let the smallest perceived negative issue to suddenly outweigh a world or positives and blessings.

I am starting to feel better. Physically, I have been getting lots of rest and that has helped perk me up. I have sought the comfort of my meditation chair and that has done wonders for my mood and attitude. It seems when I get bad news it gets me all fired up and takes a few days for me to get my head wrapped around it. I suppose that comes from my human mind and heart that constantly wants my will to be done.

I pray daily for God’s will to be done in my life, still with this pesky free will thing. Generally, I am a pretty laid back, relaxed kind of guy. Very few things in regular day to day life ruffle my feathers or bother me at all. Last weeks thingy is not I would classify as a regular day to day thing and it did hit me kind of hard. It is sort of like

I have thought about it, worried about it and prayed about it.

This is God.  Today I will be handling All of your problems for you.  I do Not need your help.  So, have a nice day.
I love you. And, remember…. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself!  Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME.  All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.  Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. Should you decide to send this to a friend; thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know! This is for my dearest thing (My Champion).

Now, you have a nice day.
God

It so nicely puts into words the thoughts and feelings I already know and was gently being lead to focus on in the meditation chair

Realistically my life expectancy has been shortened. Now the key word there is expectancy. Look at me here I am still going long after anyone ever expected and I have no plans on checking out any time soon. OK, that is based on my plans; I guess we will have to see. So my dearest thing(My Champion) should chill around and not worry.

As I think of it I realize it isn’t the amount of time we have on this earth that is most important. It is indeed what we do with what time we have. How we live it, how we enjoy it. I do know of some that while maybe physically doing just fine have seemingly already died inside. They are not live but rather enduring life, such a waste, so sad.

NO ONE know how long they have on this earth. Why do so many just take it for granted they have years and years to go and I do hope and pray they do. Take nothing for granted, start really living life today.

UGH. I’ve been trying to write for a few hours, but I find that I’m just going on and on, veering off into these tangents that are only marginally related to what I really want to say, and I’m really just very frustrated and tired and unable to just say what I want to say. Its 5 hours remaining I’m desperately waiting to go out to beach with my friends. The week was tiring and has really ripped me apart. The semester is ending and the pressure is building day by day.

I had to delete what I had, figuring that starting over was better than the mess I had going on.

The thing is this: I feel all this pain over the back-and-forth that is my friend (Sameer’s) life. Far beyond my own pain, it’s him that I worry about. I see how sometimes he’s anxious and unsettled, and how he acts out because of it. And while 95% of the time he is happy and well-adjusted, it still hurts. I don’t want him to feel confused, or like he has to choose between his mom or dad, which is what I sense sometimes. However routine this has become, however civil his parents are in his presence, he’s still just twentyyears old and trying to figure it all out. And as he gets older, the questions are becoming more complex, with answers that people can’t fully explain and he can’t fully grasp.
Sameer Sameer
And yet, the alternative to this was worse. One of the things that hits me quite hard is feeling like this buddy of mine never stood a chance. Even if he had never had to know “mommy’s house” and “daddy’s house” and the back-and-forth, he still would have had it rough. A mom who was always pissy, and a dad who was always in a sour mood, and a mom and dad who couldn’t go too long without a fight. It was because of this, when his father made it clear that he was not in a place where he could really work on the marriage, and when he said enough to understand his true feelings, then his mom chose to end the marriage.

So this – these two homes, this back-and-forth – this is actually better. Sameer now gets to enjoy a mom who still might yell, but who is so much funner and more patient and relaxed, and less stressed (waaaaay less stressed) and overwhelmed. He has a home with his mom that is peaceful and simple, and where he seems completely comfortable.

But I think that lately, these feelings are coming up and affecting me because his life seems ever more normal, and pretty routine and overall content – and these things all clash with the back-and-forth, with the part of his life that will forever be fractured, and it feels so painful and unfair that it kills him. I don’t actually disagree with the back-and-forth; I fully support his dad’s right to be with him as much as his mom is. It’s really more about the effects of the back-and-forth, the way he’s here and then he’s not, and his constant wondering of what that must feel like for him; if, because he’s been doing it since he was fourteen, this is his own kind of normal, or if it’s confusing or sad or frustrating. Is he in limbo? Does he feel like he belongs anywhere, like any place is “home”?

And then I tell myself all these things that seem really rational, that support my general feeling that he is o.k. and this is o.k. and in the long-run he will not be all messed up and having awful relationships and spending half his life on the therapist’s couch. But the more I tell myself these things, the more I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not just lying to myself. I’m completely convinced that the alternative would have been worse; but what about the rest of it?.

His past has been awful and now I’ve heard he has landed to a rehab. When he came to know about the circumstances he was in, he started to attend gatherings who were a company of addicts, marijuana, nirvana, hard drinks and all that shitty stuff. This man who we called a complete nerd is now an addict. I fear he might hang himself one day if the rehab doesn’t work.
I’m scared of the fact that emotionally, I feel much calmer and more optimistic and healthier than I ever have, and that I won’t be able to reconcile that with this other part, the part where my friend has to pay some kind of price for all this. I can’t describe how much it sucks to realize (and to repeatedly confirm whenever things with his father get problematic) that this was the right decision, and yet the right decision has made a victim out of my friend. And yet, even without this decision, he would have been a victim anyway. I would try my best to take care of him, his parents who are too busy to stop their son is now being slowly poisoned. I wish he could read this blog and I’m pretty sure that once he’s out of the rehab I would make him read it, so he feels proud of himself

Love you man,

Yours,

Miqdad