Posts Tagged ‘present’

I am trying my best to be I suppose you could call it a student of life. In my own way I am trying to learn and understand more about life in general and of people all people. To get a better understanding of actions and reactions to situations in life. What I am learning is of how little I really know or understand. Sounds strange maybe but I realize the more I think I learn the less I realize I understand???? A few examples of the things that having me going, HUH???

Now, I think it is a fair statement to make, that, the vast majority of people do not want to die. Now that sounds pretty straight forward and simple. I can easily understand that, I can relate to that. Now here is the part I just do not understand. We do not want to die so obviously we want to go on living, our lives are precious to us. Again, I can certainly relate. Now here is the part I don’t understand. We all recognize and appreciate how precious our lives are, how precious our time on this planet is. But, do we really? We each know our individual time here is limited, we see how precious it is, but what are we doing with it? Why do we take time for granted always assuming there will be many tomorrows in which we can enjoy life. I think we live with so many thoughts of the future we forget to live today. Not sure where I heard this: “Life is not about learning how to weather a storm; it is about learning how to dance in the rain.” Thank about that as you go about your day.

As a society it seems to me anyway, that we are only comfortable dealing with or even thinking about death and dying when it is maybe in the abstract almost. By that I mean when it is happening to people far far away. People that we are not related to or associated with in anyway and somehow talking about them dying is an “OK” subject. Or, at least it doesn’t seem to make us feel as uncomfortable. Suddenly though if the topic hits closer to home it becomes more uncomfortable, we don’t want to talk about it or even think about it. Is it the fear of loss that affects us so deeply. A loved one passes and we have a really sense of loss. It is not only a sense of loss but a real loss in our lives. Without that person there our lives are changed forever, no denying that. Our lives are changed yes but can be and will be just as good with time. i have to wonder, we are grieving a loss, is that our main fear in this whole thing. We are grieving our own personal loss what is missing out of our lives. I don’t know are we really grieving more for ourselves than the other person. I don’t know that was just a thought that popped into my head.

What about if we are facing our own passing? Well actually that statement applies to every single person on this planet, it is just the timing. Struggling with wording, does that make sense? Can we become so obsessed with not wanting to lose our lives that we forget to live them while we still can?

Wow, I really got off track here as I rambled on. I’ve got to share a new perspective. It is when you lose people in terms of relationships. When people get into relationships or what you call friends with benefits, this is time when their priorities change; they value their partner more and dike you whenever they want to. This is so unfair. For the past six months this happens frequently with me. What to do? I can’t get any solutions to this issue. Then I thought how about we be the same with them and talk to them the way we used to. They may realize some day that they were wrong and come back to you, but this technique of mine seems to be a heart eiderdown, it’s not working too. Good luck to all those people who fall in this category.

As this was the last post of this file, I’ll take a week off before I start a new file.

Good Day 🙂

Feeling pretty good, will try and get outside for a little fresh air and exercise.

Mother’s Day approaching and I have been spending a lot of time thinking of my own dear mother. In some ways it is hard to believe it has been 21 years and she still baby’s me. I can remember some of our talks like they were yesterday. In other ways it seems almost like forever since I last got to those lectures from her. Isn’t it almost strange how the passing of time can seem different? Maybe it is just our mood at the moment that determines if 21 years ago seems like yesterday or like it was forever ago.

My mother is an amazing lady. She had such a great internal strength that just kept her going through anything and everything. To say she had a hard life would be an understatement but nothing kept her down or really even hardly slowed her down. Her social work outside home that was part time and yet still came home and did everything in the home. It is only now with my more mature and I hope wiser eyes that I can really look back and see things as they were. It is only now that I can look and really see and appreciate how strong she was, how much she endured, how much she gave and how much she loved. How much I selfishly seemed to expect her to sacrifice of herself for me. I always felt love to my mother but those feelings just never even seemed to enter into the equation. I just knew what I wanted, what I expected and was mad if it didn’t work out the way I wanted. OK, granted I am talking about when I was a kid. From my youngest memory she was always just there and did everything for us. That she was there and that she would do everything was just taken for granted, just automatically accepted as the norm, was expected as who she was and what she was there fore.

I can see that when I was really young that would be natural. I kick myself so often now, when I think back and really wonder why when I grew into and advanced in my teens wasn’t I able to see this. I think I was just so self absorbed in my own life, my own wants and desires I just didn’t see things for what they were and just accepted that this was the norm, as it was the way it had always been, and as the way it should be.

It truly wasn’t until I had been out on my own for a few years that I began to really see things more clearly and I suppose in fact stop taking her for granted. I experienced life for myself; I worked and studied full time and had to come home to the house hold stuff. It was only then that I began to take on an appreciation for all that she was doing and of how hard it was on her year after year. As I advanced in my teen years I did a few things to help out around the house, but any effort I put in was pitifully small.

I look back with feelings of guilt, wondering how she must have been made to feel realizing that somehow she had been lowered to an almost servant status. Somehow, I don’t even think she ever likely saw it that way, more as her role in life as a mother. I know in my mind I certainly never saw her or thought of her as a servant or anything of the sort. It is just I realize that really that is how she was so often treated. Never did I see it or realize it at the time.

I think of the times she must have felt so disheartened, so frustrated, so tired and maybe even so unloved. I can’t remember any specific examples but I am sure there were many times after a hard full day at social work when she came home to 2 complaining little grandsons. Hungry and complaining about the minutes late she was. “Didn’t she realize, how inconvenient this was for me. I may have had plans for the evening and here she was late. Didn’t she know I had to have eaten and be out by a certain time or my plans might be delayed.” “Why couldn’t she understand how I had every right to be upset with her?” I was at the same place a couple of years back.

I regret it so much, how could I have allowed myself to grow into that mindset. Embarrassing as it is to admit it I did.

Reality didn’t hit me until a couple of years after I had been on my own dependant more on friends and less on family. I was likely feeling pretty proud of myself for my new found independence being off on my own. I remember arriving late afternoon, just before supper/dinner time. There were my 2 nephews, complaining of being hungry and wondering why mother was late getting home from work to prepare the meal. I guess I had been transformed, because I remember being shock, thinking what is the matter with you guys. You can cook for yourself and why aren’t you cooking supper for mother when she gets home (huh they’re kids). You are just sitting here, what is the matter with you. Somewhere in there it came to me that just a year or two previously I had been sitting on the same couch waiting in the same impatient way. Here I was questioning what was the matter with them, huh, the same thing that had been the matter with me. It was like a light had gone off in my head, the realization had set in. I remember that during this conversation my mother in fact arrived home and immediately began preparing the meal. Well with my new-found insight I was in there trying to help but she just kept shooing me away.

That truly was a life changing moment for me a great moment of learning. Never did I treat her the same, or even see her with the same eyes again. She was elevated back to her proper position as my respected and loved mother.

My mother is a wonderful Lady, she taught me so much. So much that makes me who I am today. The lesson she taught me here was to look at all relationships in my life and make sure I am treating everyone with dignity and respect. I learned that lesson that day, and it has stuck with me.

It is kind of a special time for me. It is like a humbling time of gratitude. Sometime today the blog will hit a 3.5k hits. I am in awe wondering how in the world my ramblings have attracted such attention.

With this humble feeling comes almost a feeling of guilt. I know many research, write and edit their posts before putting them up. They put real effort into what they write, I just sit down and type whatever comes to mind, spell check is the only tool or checking I do of anything. That lack of effort compared to what so many others put in just somehow doesn’t seem fair. I am a very blessed a lucky guy.

Every single person on this planet has at least one thing in common. We are all going to die at some point in time. It is inevitable; we cannot escape that reality. This fills most if not all with an over whelming feeling of dread and even fear. The thought of our own mortality is something we just don’t want to even think about much less talk about. To many it is like a taboo subject. Is it like an ostrich putting its head in the sand. If I can’t see it around me and if I don’t think about it maybe it won’t happen to me. Well guess what it is going to happen to you to me and in time to everyone. Can we not bring this taboo subject out of the dark at least enough to be able to talk about it and help others as they deal with it. Am I suggesting that the topic of death and dying be brought so much to the fore front that we become a society so focused on death we just run around daily contemplating our own demise. Of course not that would be ridiculous, so what am I trying to say.

Live our lives to the fullest on a daily basis. So often we endure life rather than live it. For many myself included for many years measured the quality of my life by material possessions and where I saw my life in relation to where I envisioned it being in the future. I was so busy envisioning how my live would be in the future I forgot about living in the day, enjoying the day. It was always my life will be better when: I finish school, I get a job, I have a family……..

As I reached or acheived one milestone another had already taken its place, leaving me still unsatisfied”knowing” it will be better WHEN.

My constant focus on that elusive future “when”, kept me feeling lacking in what I had at the time, a good life.

Hearing those words come out of your doctor’s mouth: you are dying can surprisingly have a very positive impact on your life, if you allow yourself to have that mindset. It can be a real eye opener. Opening your eyes to really see the world for what it is a truly wonderful place. A wonderful place that, yes, is filled with nagging little annoyances. Nagging little annoyances that if we allow enough of them to latch on to us can drag us down to a point we are no longer able to see the forest for the trees.

It is only now that I can look back on my life that I can see I allowed myself to see just how much time I wasted. What at the time seemed like a major crisis, was in the big picture of things nothing but a nagging little annoyance that I blew way out of proportion. Really sad when I think of it. A moment of negativity caused by really nothing but a nagging little annoyance deprived me of so much and it is only now I can see it. A moment spent in negativity is a moment of happiness gone forever. Can we or better put will we allow ourselves to learn from the mistakes of others. I see life differently now by sharing as I am, will others learn from my mistakes, I don’t know.

Living a “good life” takes effort. What do I mean by a good life? Living a life that will allow you to ultimately face your end with no regrets over things said or unsaid, done or undone. Living life is the way to prepare for a good death.

Living throughout our entire lives there are always 2 ways we can look at everything. This applies right up to and including the time when we face our own demise. I have some time left on this earth, how much I don’t know. I love this life of mine so I can either live it to the fullest. Not give up on living it until it is taken from me. Or, I could just give up on it now, curl up in a ball on the floor and become an angry, nasty person to be around, poor me. Why would I give up on living life before it is taken from me.

Along that thought line, this came to mind. I can’t change my future, I have no control over that. What I can control is the final lasting memories I leave behind.

To all my family and dear blogging friends, on this milestone post. I thank you for the prayers and loving support. Ponder over this post.

I was drinking my morning coffee, wondering what to write for a New Years post. All I could think of was death, then I realized the most important topic I being a puppet for a very very long time. So how about squirming with this new topic. Though this one is targeted to a specific audience only and everyone may not understand.

“May the very worst day in you future, be not nearly as bad as the very best day in your past”. My very  best wishes to all in this new year.

Got to the computer and checked email and there is a message from an old friend. It is just too good not to share.

Those first weeks my brain could not stop. There was just too much to accept, to adjust to, too many of my old ghosts coming back to mess with me. In typical Miqdad fashion, the over-analyzing led to our first disagreement, a day-and-a-half that had me feeling terrified (at the intensity of my thoughts) and miserable (because I didn’t want to feel what I felt, and I didn’t want to express any of it, and I didn’t want us to fight about something as abstract as my fears). So now this is more of a communication note rather than a post/blog.
So people usually think they are the finest blaming everything on you and you have to survive the force. The past 2 years were awful, I was walking on the wrong path, but I suggest this is human scenery; we usually commit gaffes and then get them right. So I am on an expedition to set those mistakes right. But I guess I am a puppet with several strings each handled by different people, asking me what to do and what not to. I am just sick of it. You sit far away trying to find mistakes in what I do…huh!!!. So I am an egoistic guy with a lot of attitude problem, so here I go, I don’t give a shit about what is happening or what will happen. I have around a million things to take care of and I don’t want to waste time in these petty issues trying to convince a person in what I do is right.

What about the mistakes the accusers had made in the earlier period. Aren’t they accountable for what they did? Though I know my side is a little heavier but still mistakes are mistakes like the sins are sins.

Until Now…

Posted: October 30, 2009 in Flashback..
Tags: , , ,

UNTIL NOW is the recap of what I have tried and written. This is the last blog after which the flashback file would be clogged.

There are things that stay with me longer after I write about them. There are themes that I return to, because clearly, they haunt me.

I don’t know why, when my business ended, I expected that I would be averse to after affects of the business crash. Whatever scars that situation left me with, I did not disbelieve in being an entrepreneur, or think entrepreneurship was a great big pile of crap. Quite the opposite, actually. I came away from my business believing even more in real life, one that is social, true and honest. And yet, I did think that my life was too complicated – and I am too demanding a good friend. More than that, I felt very keenly the vulnerability of being someone who demands nothing less than money. What had it gotten me, really? I felt like I had some crappy choices: stick to my standards and perpetually feel vulnerable and slightly scared, or settle for something mediocre that at least wouldn’t rock the boat. I didn’t want either one.


There’s no room – not in me, not in my life – I told myself many, many times. And knowing what I knew – that I expect a business partner to be as committed and honest as I am, that I have a humorist behavior that many would view as baggage, that I have had to deal with the damage my business has wrecked on so many small parts of myself – it seemed obvious to me that no one would seriously want to take me on, and so it would just be smart to avoid situations that would affect me in any deep, meaningful way. I have not been willing to take the risk, to put in real effort, to open myself up. It just didn’t seem worth it. What’s more, I didn’t really believe there were any quality partners out there.
Ugh. I hate how weak it makes me feel to admit this, to not be able to deny that I want this. What’s more, to know that I can handle this, that I know I have what it takes to be a part of something good and fulfilling and sweet. As clearly as I’ve known that I would be okay on my own. And I keep hoping that I’ve been wrong, that I do deserve these kind of people, that I would be so lucky, that I would indeed know it and cherish it and bring someone else happiness with high returns.

That this is important now is directly related to that bomb that recently went off in my life. I haven’t had any real reason think about this issue, until now. I haven’t had any pressing need to care about this, until now. And while I certainly have given it thought, and I’ve had days where it bothered me more than it should have, it didn’t really matter. Until now.

Now, it matters. So much. And I care. So, so much. Everything’s changed. And I’m choosing to believe that I can have this and make it something beautiful. I’ve tried several times to smile and cover up the apprehension visible on my face but I usually fail, I cannot stand this sort of a peer pressure.

I have resolutionalised by life with spending less and saving more. I want to be like my dad, but needs and wants are two different pieces of rock, wants are quite difficult to accomplish. These are just dreams people think off.