Posts Tagged ‘thinking’

I thought I would give this abuse stuff a bit of a break. But there is a story I came upon on another blog. I read it and was so touched by it. I should have put the site on my blog roll or bookmarked it or something so I could go back and read it again. It just sort of keeps coming back to me again and again. It gave me a bit more of an insight into why possibly some suffers of abuse don’t seek help or at least take it when offered. I don’t know just my thoughts.

A part of it was about misdirected negative feelings. It spoke of long term abuse suffers being so beaten down, so defeated, they had no energy left to fight or really try any more. It goes back to the trained helplessness and hopelessness. I wish I had copied it to post it here, it states so much better the conditions of these situations than I can.

It spoke of women but I know it would equally apply to men. People who after 30 or 40 years of abuse are just left feeling empty and defeated. No energy to face anymore challenges, barely enough energy to just get through the day. They are so beaten down they are vulnerable to any and all that should wish to use or take advantage of them. They may have escaped from the abusive partner only to have that role taken over by other family members. Here I am talking brothers, sisters and even children to parents. There is no end of people willing to take advantage is given the opportunity, friend, neighbors, coworkers that list would be endless. Wittingly or unwittingly many seem to sense when someone is vulnerable and can be taken advantage of. I am sure this taking advantage of, using, controlling or abusing starts off with something small. But, it almost seems like human nature, if you get away with something small the tendency is continue pushing the envelope just to see how far you can take it. I am sure so often it is even at a subconscious level. The situation gradually evolves, expands and grows until it reaches the point total control is established over the other. I am sure even at that point many do not even realize what they are doing. Things have evolved and changed so slowly that it is not even realized that we have taken control of or are dominating the life of another. We don’t even realize or appreciate what is being done. It reaches the point where it becomes an expectation. “She will do what I want or I will be very mad and will make her life so miserable she will eventually cave in and I will get my way, as it should have been.”

Our abuse victim is pushed even further down. I have read our own children can be the worst at doing this. Our abuse victim just gives up. Her self esteem and self confidence so beat and taken away, she has no confidence in her own decisions. It is just easier to let anyone, even my kids decide what I should be doing, their decisions are likely better than mine anyway, and I just don’t have the energy to fight them, so be it.

I was surprised to read of a quite a number of women actually seeing and recognizing a loving, healthy hand being extended to help them. Of them feeling it was the right thing, the healthy thing to do but of them refusing the offered hand. Possibly maybe because of lack of trust in her own ability to make the right decision but mostly because of the objections of her own family. I am not sure if their objections were based on their own fear of change, I certainly hope not to just exert their control, this I just can’t believe.

I read of women giving up on what they knew would be a real chance of happiness in a healthy relationship because it was too much bother. Their families were comfortable the way things were and didn’t want change and fought it. In each case she just gave in not having the energy to fight for anything, not even her own health, happiness and well being.

I read of the stories of 3 women that had managed to find a new love. A love with a good loving and respectful man. In each case family pressure was so great; it became so stressful each ended the relationship. One guy ran for the hills never to be seen again. The other 2 had too much love to just give up that easily, they persisted in trying to wooing the lady they loved. Neither realized what they were really up against. Each attempted contact caused such uproar in the home, more and more stress for the lady. So much stress she began to dread the thought of him calling, knowing the stress and tension in the home that it would cause. In each woman apparently the feelings of love remained intact, but she began to resent the man for calling or trying to contact her because of the family stress it would cause her.

This is what I call the misdirected negative feelings. Here we had 3 women that had loving hands extended to them. Three women that had a chance at a healthy happy life but gave it up. Not only that but their negative feelings were directed at the loving man, the health support and not at those holding her back, controlling her life. I don’t get it!!!!!!!!

I have often encouraged people to shed negative draining relationships from your life and surround yourself with healthy, supportive and nurturing relationships. I just ask before you shed a relationship, please be sure you are sure where the negativity is coming from and be sure you shed the correct relationship. In the case if the relationship that needs to be sheded is with family, remember that doesn’t necessarily have to mean ending or cutting the ties, just the relationship as it is. End it as it is and reform it into a new and healthy one.

I am not sure why this year is different than others it seems. We just passed Mother’s Day and I seem to be spending more time thinking of my mother than I have in past years. It is more than 17 years since she’s been babying me. Every year on Mother’s Day and on her birthday, I make a point of taking at least a few minutes to sit quietly and just think of her, say a little prayer and thank her for being my mother and pray for her long life.

Talking about a friend I lost last year in June. My belief system did indeed help ease the pain and sense of loss at her passing. I KNOW she was in a tremendous amount of pain prior to her passing. I KNOW she is now in a much much better place, I KNOW I will in God’s time be seeing her again. I KNOW that her leaving this world when she did was what God knew to be best for her and He called her home. I KNEW in my heart even back at the time that I should be happy for her that she was gone, I mean considering where I knew she had gone to. I KNEW my feelings of grief and loss were the inner selfish me seeing only what I was losing, having her in my life. I certainly can’t say that even with this belief that it made the dealing with her loss easy, it certainly was not, but I do think it helped, at least makes it easier.

In my mind I have a comparable I use when I think of the loss of a loved one, I know I have written about it before.

I think of this. Suppose a loved one won something really spectacular say a cruise around the world that would last a full year. You know your loved one would have the time of their lives, be happier than possibly ever before. How do you deal with this? You do want your loved one to be happy, but having him/her gone for a full year. That could mean you have to make changes to your own life, I mean a year is a long time for them to be gone. I am sure there are many but I see there as being basically 3 different ways we could deal with it.

#1. Feel our love for the person foremost. Be happy for them; be so glad in your own heart that they have this chance for happiness and joy. Encourage and support them as they prepare for this wonderful time. For sure you know you are going to miss them, but know you can deal with it. The fact they will be happy makes you happy. To me this is the loving approach.

#2. You grudgingly give into them going. But, you make it plain and obvious how difficult things will be for you without them around for this time. You rob them of the shine the excitement of the trip. You fill them with worry and dread about how you will be able to make out with them gone. Yes, they may still go but the enjoyment factor of possibly the entire time is greatly reduced. Who is to know, maybe the enjoyment is even replaced with regret for having gone on the trip, we are so filled with worry about those left behind, how they are doing and how they are feeling.

#3. We take our personal selfishness to the extreme. I don’t care how much joy or happiness he/she will have. I need him/her here with me. I don’t want to have to make any changes in my life, I want things to remain as they are. I like life as it is now and I don’t want him/her to even think of changing the way I want it to be. So what if they miss out on this chance, there will be others. Now way I am going to let them do this to me, I am going to do anything and everything I can to stop it. “I know the way things should be and will be.”

As I am sitting here I realize this applies to virtually every situation in our lives, when it comes to dealing with loved ones and well with everyone in which we have contact. Each of us is an individual and as such have our own personal “agendas”. Our personal agendas motivate our actions and interactions with all others. Are our motives our actions love based or are they based on our own selfishness? I don’t think there is really any gray area here, when it really comes down to it, it is one or the other, love or selfishness. I know it is so easy to rationalize away our individual situations, thinking, “yeah but this is different”. NO IT IS NOT, not if you are honest and really get down to the core of the matter. I want and I really do try to make all of my actions and interactions love based.

Wow, I got off on a bit of a tangent there. But it is what I believe. I guess it is obvious I don’t plan my posts I just start writing what is in my heart and mind. Thoughts just go where they go. This is my journal and I just write.

I knew when my friend I mentioned about passed, she had gone on a voyage. A voyage to a wonderful destination where she would be so happy, she would be in such a better place and so very much better off. My sense of loss was real. I knew my life was changed forever. It would never be the same without her in it. But, I knew I could deal with the change. I chose to celebrate, remember and appreciate the time we had together rather than “just” mourn what I had lost.

I have no doubt, never have had any doubt, that this friend still “exists”. I use the term “exists” as I am not quite sure how else to describe it. She is maybe just in a different form, living in a different Realm.

I am not sure what has made this  Day different, it is almost like I can feel her presence here with me. Not sure, if that makes any sense of how else to describe it. It is just how I feel.

This post certainly took a different direction on me but that seems to so often happen. I have said before of my little routine before I write. I ask for guidance in finding the words that my help someone, anyone today.

I guess that will wait until tomorrow, I am tired and heading for a nap.

I am a bit of a “gimp” and so do have a lot of spare time on my hands. Different thoughts rattle around this hear of mine. I know my days are indeed numbered. I don’t know that that number of days is. I do know that whatever number of days I do have, will in the end not be enough. As I sit here thinking, I realize that I am sure applies to almost everyone. No matter how many days we are gifted with on this earth as it draws to a close we will wish for and want more days.

That sadly is largely out of our hands. Lives do have an expiration date. That is an unchangeable fact it is an inevitable fact for everyone of us.

We though are not entirely powerless in this whole process. We can’t change the end result but we can change what we do with our time, how we live our lives, right up until that last moment whenever it may be. So very many times I have written live life don’t just endure it. I imagine everyone would agree that is a wonderful idea but how do you get to do it? Life is so very hectic these days. We are all caught up on the frantic treadmill of life. It seems every moment of every day is already stretched to the breaking point as we struggle to just get through each day. I know I did that for years and years.

I don’t know how to word this so it makes sense. Being told you are dying can be a “good” thing. Now by good, I mean it really gives your head a shake and opens your eyes. It opens your eyes in that suddenly you see things differently. You are better able to really see the priorities in your life. OK, the dying part kind of sucks but the experience of having your eyes really opened and to be able to see life as it really is, is wonderful. I do know I certainly would have lived much of my life differently if in the past I had been able to see things as I do today. Can we learn from the mistakes of others, yes? Will we learn, I don’t know, that is up to the individual.

I have this saying bouncing around in my head; I am not sure where I got it. I am sure it is too good to be a Miqdad’s original, ah who knows.

Faith will not necessarily help you avoid the storms in life, it will though teach you to dance in the rain. As we travel the highway of life we will indeed encounter storm after storm, issue after issue, problem after problem. That is life and in that way it is no different for any of us. The individual issues will differ but overall the journey is about the same. The only difference is how we weather those storms, are we devastated or have we learned to dance in the rain.

When I say devastated that may be too strong a word for a lot of situations, but you get the idea. I am talking about the trivial little issues in life that just seem to hit us the wrong way. We get all fired up and allow it to spoil our day. The sort of thing that in 3 months you aren’t even going to remember it anyway. OR, do we just think, “well that is kind of annoying but oh well it isn’t that big a deal.” We carry on enjoying our day. We make the best of a situation.

There are thousands of example I could use. I will pick just one that could very well be a big one for many.

Suppose you have a job, any job, it doesn’t matter, but you just hate it. You hate it so much you dread going to work every day, you are miserable every moment of every day. Well the obvious answer would be start looking around and get yourself a different job.
What do you do though if for anyone of hundreds of reasons, financial, location or whatever, getting a different job is simply out of the question and yes there are such reasons. What do you do then?

Change what you can and I do mean what you can and learn to live with or accept the other. If you find there is something you simply must live with, learn to live with it. Try to make the best of it, learn to dance in the rain. Sometimes all we can change is ourselves and our own attitudes. I used the job situation as an example but this applies to virtually every area of our lives, attitude is key. We ourselves decide if we are living life or enduring it. What are your thoughts?

Wow, be glad I used spell checker today plus I really hope the storm expectation today is wrong and diverts somewhere else.

Good Day 🙂

Now that I am past it and the temperatures have moderated, I see it was actually a great learning experience for me. I can whine and cry about how unpleasant it was. Looking back now and seeing it for what it was in the overall scheme of things that is all it was “unpleasant” or “uncomfortable.” So many have it so much worse. I allowed merely feeling uncomfortable to drag my mood down. Looking back now I am almost embarrassed that I allowed that to happen. When I say allowed it to happen that is what I mean “ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN”. When I look at it, what did it take to bring me down, not much really in the overall scheme of things. I have to wonder why it is, my mood or spirits can drop with seemingly no effort on my part but then it takes work to get it back up. Well I am on the way back. New mind set: no damn heat or humidity is going to keep me down. Somehow, I have to question myself why is it only after the temperatures have moderated that I am able to think of this new mind set.

I truly have so much in my life to be grateful for. I know that and am so thankful; I am such a lucky man. How easy it is to lose sight of that, literally in the heat of the moment. So, so many have it so much worse than I.

If I am dying, so aren’t we all, just on a different time schedule. Some are even doing it on a time schedule similar to mine, but are in great pain and agony. I think a little heat and I allowed my spirits to sag, oh, what they must be going through. I can’t even begin to imagine. My prayers are with them, everyone.

This may sound strange but I am glad we had the heat and humidity and that it affected me in the way it did. It has proven to be very humbling to me and a great learning experience.

It has given me a new appreciation or possibly a little better understanding of what so many others are enduring. I don’t even want to think about what it would have done to me, if I had spent the past month in terrible pain.

I look at my own condition and have to say “man oh man, I am so lucky”. I won’t go into the memory issues as they are pretty small in the overall life thing.

Wow, I look at that list and I do have a lot of stuff going on. Understand, it is not intended as a poor me list or anything like that. If anything, I hope it shows that a person can live a relatively normal life, with so many different conditions if PROPERLY treated. Those are the key words properly treated.

I am back again, I think this is the first time a post has taken me 3 days to finish, with my little bit here and a little bit there way of writing.

I think I am rambling all over the place here. I think my point here was going to be that people can in fact live with a wide variety of conditions. Attitude and proper treatment can carry you a long way. Try an attitude of gratitude. Am I grateful to have any of my conditions, NO. But am I grateful help and treatment is available to me, YES.

I could easily fall into the poor me, why me, mode of thinking. Then I think, why not me? Every year a certain percentage of the population will be afflicted with every condition known. I believe God loves us all equally, so why would I expect He would spare me? What could make me think I am so special in His eyes that I should be spared over someone else? I am so grateful that I know though God’s guidance, individuals were able to find treatments that allow me to live in my relative comfort.

When I pray I speak to God, when I meditate I slow my mind enough to hopefully hear His reply. Now it really would be nice if during meditation I was actually able to hear His voice and get His message. Sadly, for me it just doesn’t work that way. All I hear is the silence of the room.
What I do find though is so very often is that after the meditation even a day or two later a thought will just seemingly come to mind out of nowhere. It may be a new thought on some sort of issue I am dealing with. It may be a thought I have already had but suddenly see it from a slightly different angle. I can’t explain it I just know it helps me.
Right now I have two of those out of nowhere thoughts running around in my head. They have a lot of running room in this bowling ball head of mine.
I have heard or read a phrase that is to the effect: “No one said life would be fair or easy, just that it is good.”
Life is good, I have written that many many times. I just don’t have the words to really adequately describe how good it is.
In an email I had a question posed to me. If I had just minutes to give one last message, what would it be? My answer today would be simply: “stop wasting time on life, just live it”
Now what do I mean by wasting time on life? Maybe this is where the two thoughts rambling around in my head come together. Life is not always fair or easy, but it is good. I think maybe it would be better put to say: “life can be good and is as good as we choose to make it.” Life isn’t always fair it seems, other people aren’t always fair to us.” To that I say, accept it as a fact of life, the way the world works bad things can happen to good people.
Here is where I get to the wasting time part. (Finally). Other people’s actions or attitudes do not have to affect me, that is unless I allow it to. Any single moment of time spent in any sort of negative manner is a moment of joy lost forever. Ask yourself this, how much time on a daily basis do you spend with your mind set in a negative manner? This is the wasted time I am referring to. I usually do that and I’m working to change these negative thoughts to a more positive ones.
Now, I can just imagine many automatically thinking to themselves. “Yeah, that is fine for him to say. If he knew what my life was like. If he knew all that I have to deal with, he would understand my situation is different.”
Everyone is going to think their situation is different, that they are being treated so badly that it is impossible to get any joy out of life. The actions of others reflect on themselves, affecting us only if we allow it.
I know, I know: “IT IS JUST NOT FAIR”.Look at the big picture of life and stop wasting time on the meaningless little things that sap our strength and deprive us of love and joy. So that could be scandals affecting your reputations, the daily gossip, hooking up with a girlfriend and wasting nights, friends are far more better.
Being treated “fairly” is something I have had to deal with of late. I ask you this. Please take a moment and really think about your life. Think about both the good and the “bad”. Try to put the entire picture in prospective. Now I know if you have that negative mind set going on, it may even be difficult to see the positive or at least much of it. The perceived negatives may far out way any positives you see.
OK, now think about this and I ask if you think this is fair. I will be 21 in a few months. Now is this fair? I have a gimpy heart that I know could give out at virtually any time. Heart failure with edema, I need pills to sleep. Migraine, slight asthama, and plus week lungs that can die anytime, pushing me to lung transplant probably…. is having all of that fair. OK, you looked at your life and at mine. Want to trade places?
Life may not always seem fair, but it is so worth it. See past the little annoyances, let them roll off you like water off of a ducks back. Remember today’s big issues likely will have even been forgotten in a couple of months, so is it worth spoiling your day today. let it go.
Wow I am full of “sayings” today. There is another one to the effect: “The Good Lord will never lead us anywhere, in which He will not be there to help us through.”
So this was one last blog from the third file. I can die anytime. Life is fun, the issues, depressions and frustrations in life are man-made. God never whispered to put yourself on the lane prohibited. So life was fun, I made it worth living socially, religiously I am blank…

I sit here in such a foul mood. I realize that just when you think you know someone, you find out you know crap!

I always thought I was a good judge of character and that I wouldn’t regret things that I went into head on. If I go into a situation with my eyes open, then that can I blame but myself? No one!!!

I try so hard to understand people, the way they think and the way their mind works, but I can’t. I’m the original dumb ass and I can’t. I know now I don’t know much about people and that they are basically liars and want nothing more than to reach out and hurt you, and use you. Maybe it’s just a bad day, maybe it’s just my imagination, but I don’t think it is. You can only believe what you see…..so they can shove it from now on.
Sometimes I look back and realize I just wasted an entire lifetime,

Sometimes things happen in life over which we have no control, absolutely none.  One of those things happened to me some time back and I’m sitting here, facing my computer with no idea of what I’m going to write till I read it myself.  My mind feels kind of numb, like it’s disconnected, like it doesn’t belong to me.  I feel as though I am looking over something which is happening to someone else, not me, yet deep down I am aware that what has happened has caused me to disconnect, from myself and from the family I belong to.

We were six, a family augmented with contentment; this is what you call a perfect family. Those days were a blast but gradually we started to separate, each one in search of his fortune and thus I’m left alone. My elder brother, a doc by profession is married and has settled in the UK, my elder sis is married too and has two beautiful angels, she has settled in the USA, then comes my younger sis who is happily married and has other two angels, she is a good house wife like my mom and resides here in Karachi. Thus I live alone with my parents thinking why I’m the youngest.

Family, I’m not referring to the immediate family but the relatives who run in a competition to reach out to your parents and tell them you smoke or you were out with a girl last night. WHY? These things usually draw gaps and thus I was never into my relatives. This may not be the exact reason but we were never closer, may be because I was always avoided or maybe I was never fit for their company.

Cutting, cruel remarks, aimed at me, which usually left me speechless, unable to figure out what I had done to justify it. People usually have a hell lot of problems with you and the things you do. They have problems with your results, the way you live, the way you socialize and unfortunately if you have a relative in your universities then god help you with the tales you have to face. Another nuisance, Face Book, a good networking site but it allows almost everyone to peep into your profile; your life is like an open book. If you apply restrictions still people get to know from somewhere or the other.

I look at my friends and their relatives, and I say they are far better than mine, they know how to be friends and how to keep secrets and not vomit everything they know. And I am a little a unfortunate in this sect of life. Why cant I be friends with my cousins? Is age the factor? But I do have friends who are double my age? But the gap has drawn huge and it would take time to lessen if we both try to.
As a Muslim, I am fully aware of the need to forgive and, believe me, it is something I do a lot of.  However, just for now I am finding it really difficult to do just that.  I did nothing wrong, I am sure of that, I was the victim of coming in between two forces who both feel as though they own part of me.  I am out of control, hurt, damaged and once again, part of my past has come back to haunt me.  It’s up to me now to fight back, to exile all thoughts of the past and to be firm in my resolve.  Sadly, I’m not nearly there yet.  Even sadness would be a blessed release to this. Believe me the funny side is a very life-size and effectual factor that helps you get over with the tension and depression. I hope people keep on loving me and trust starts to develop between friends, family and relatives.