Posts Tagged ‘time’

I have come to realize throughout most of my life, I have been my own worst enemy. Now I am no different than anyone else so I imagine that same would apply to many others. Now I know I have heard that same statement from others. So very often we know it but what are we doing about it.

We are so very often more critical of ourselves than we are of others, why? There are just dozens and dozens of example I could give of this self depreciating sort of thinking. It extends all the way to thoughts of not being good enough or unworthy. Now who is it that has made that call, made that decision that we are not good enough or unworthy? We have, we do it to ourselves!! Somehow, we allow the world around us, the people around us to create our own self-image. We allow others to create and imagine in our minds of how we see ourselves, now think about it, how wrong is that? And why is it that it seems we can take on the negative so much easier than the positive?

When I really think of it, it seems so obvious the answers to a better, healthier, happier life all lie within us. We need to come to peace within ourselves, seeing ourselves for who we really are and not in the light of the image we have taken on from the world around us. Very easy to say but can be so hard to do. The biggest question is, are we at least trying to do something about that false negative image the world has handed us? Or, are we just sit around wallowing in it, because we are not “good enough” or not “strong enough” to do anything about it? Even the longest journey or the hardest task begins with a first step. Why can’t today be the day you make that first step or another step in this recovery process?

I believe we are Spiritual Beings sent to this earth for a physical experience and to learn lessons in life. These lessons revolve around all the human emotions and feelings, love, empathy, pity………. While we are here the Good Lord will place us in situations or present us with opportunities to learn these lessons. To learn these lessons “problems” are placed in our path, through which we can indeed learn and grow as people. Think about it, if we were placed in a life in which we just sailed calmly and pleasantly through it, how would we grow? Throughout our entire lives we will be presented with similar opportunities to learn and grow until we finally get it. This learning and growing comes from within. Our worldly position has nothing to do with it, it is all within ourselves.

I have recently come to finally realize one of my lessons, or at least what it is. PRIDE. Now I don’t mean the boastful sort of pride. I mean the sort of pride, where you are too proud to ask for help when it is needed or too proud to accept it even if it is offered. I can look back over my life and see so very many times I was presented with the opportunity to learn how wrong being too proud to ask for or accept help. I can now see how very much harder I made my own life with the stubbornness, I can handle it myself attitude, I don’t need help. I mean asking for help would be a sign or weakness or incompetency, wouldn’t it? Geesh, was I wrong, it is but a sign of being human.

The opportunities to learn this lesson have followed me all of my life, right up to and including the present. Over the past years failing health has forced me into the position where I must ask for help, be somewhat dependant on others. I am a slow learner, it has taken me a long time to get here and I still struggle with it, but I am learning. We all need help at times seeking it is not a sign of weakness but a sign of being human.

When it comes to self-worth, there is no one in this world that is better than I am and I am no better than anyone else, period!!!

Babies come into this world as the complete package not one better than the next. How they grow and develop is a different story, each surrounded by the world they live in with all of its self reflecting images.

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*Sigh.*

I know.

I’ve been kinda xxx around here (and everywhere in the blogosphere). It’s just a situation where real life obligations, the holidays (and related activities/stress) and a case of writer’s block/personal introspection have all collided.

For a while now, I’ve been posting every (week) day because I wanted to and because my schedule permitted it. On the one hand, I wanted the challenge of writing on a daily basis; on the other, I wanted to see if I could even do it. But now, some life changes are effectively ending my daily posting schedule.

Honestly? I’m glad. Reflecting on the last year of my writing here, my overall feeling is that I wasn’t very good at writing “good” or entertaining or funny or moving or thought-provoking things here. I’m o.k. with that, but the realization brought something else to the forefront for me: at some point, I slipped from writing and sharing for writing and sharing’s sake to writing and sharing for the audience’s sake. And – I hope you understand – that’s just not what I want out of this blog of mine.

Other bloggers have written about this struggle with writing when you know you have an audience, and how that affects both what one writes and how they feel about their writing. And yes, I’m going through a mild form of that. I just don’t want to be entertaining thoughts about how something I write will be received – if it will generate lots of comments or be linked to from somewhere else or, I don’t know, make me sprout wings and fly – because really, I just want to write.

I know, I can’t write in a vacuum, not on the Internet. But I want to get back to the core of why I decided to do this and what I hope to achieve by it. And while yes, having an audience is very important to me, as is that audience’s feedback, it’s not the core. At least, I don’t want it to turn me into a fake blogger/writer/person who is motivated by factors outside himself.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed with all my writing responsibilities. I maintain two other blogs and contribute to a few sites, and if I had no full-time job, I could totally write everywhere with little problems, but. But I work and study full time and come home to be a full-time spoilt little thing and basically have no free time until at least 9 p.m. And by 9 p.m., I just want to pass the hell out. I sound like I’m making lame excuses here, but honestly, I just don’t have the time. Not if I want to maintain my personal relationships and clean my room and wrap presents and fulfill my work obligations and pay attention to friends and their issues or spend some time out.
So I’ve been a scatter-brain, a flake, an absent Internet person. I know, and I’m sorry and I’m digging myself out as best as I can.

As the dust settles on some personal things I’m going through (nothing bad, just different), I’ll have a clearer idea of what kind of writing schedule I can set up for myself. I’m hoping I can keep all my projects/gigs going, but there may be some casualties if I honestly believe I just won’t be able to juggle it all.

Early morning I woke and was lost thinking why people are so mean? We make friends and try to own them, is it something wrong. I want to take care of people but they simply don’t care. It was my exam and friends were more worried, I came late but gladly they kept me a seat, I dint say a word but they got exactly what I meant. People might try and create misunderstandings between us but our understandings are bigger than that. Even when everyone would leave you, there will always be one helping hand and that will be mine that is a promise. Though I get frustrated at times thinking I lose people, but they come back when they realize they were wrong or at fault, but these days people simply refuse to admit their mistakes instead they accuse you of being immature and cantankerous. Well this phase should would could pass soon.

Fizzy Time…

Posted: November 9, 2009 in Random Moments...
Tags: , , , , ,

Time is messing with me. On any given day, I’ll forget that this dimension of me and my parent’s relationship is quite old. I forget because before this – this tenderness and affection and deeper sharing – there was a friendship where we communicated a lot and regularly hung out for dinner and casual visits to our relatives. And while back then it was that and nothing more, with no idea that it would blossom into this – this so sweet, so exciting, so hopeful – the truth, it is clear now, is that we were building something that in this new stage of our relationship has given us a sense of comfort and knowing that makes it feel like “we” may be new, but we have some good roots sown beneath us. The relationship has now entered the phase where parents are your best friends. No strictness and No Nagging.

My memory of some friends does not go back just a couple of months; it goes back further, to all the personal things we’ve shared, the fun nights grabbing some drinks, the meals we relished, the adventures we took together, the times when a simple idea (i.e., “dinner”) turned into hours and hours and hours of us talking, talking, talking. There are hundreds of email exchanges, and – at last count – well over 4,000 text messages between us. These people are called the FAMOUS SIX. There are words, so many words – covering the mundane, gossiping, expressing hurt and anger and uncertainty and wonder and shock and giddiness.

There all these things – things that ultimately can’t be quantified even as I try to do so here – that give me this sense that we are solid and further along, from a closeness/knowing each other’s perspective, than might otherwise be true of people who have been hanging out for a couple of months and now I could challenge anybody “we are die hard friends”


Ah, that blasted damage. I could easily tell myself a lot of rational stuff about that damage, and how it was central to one (very, very messed up) individual; but the thing about the damage is that it went deep. It was too many years of hearing the same shit over and over, of being treated a certain way – and after a while, the damage won. I was utterly defeated when I lost hope. I didn’t believe shit of what my luck and hopes had devoted so many years to drilling into me, but the effects of those words and the treatment of life broke me. I’ve been shadowed – even as I’ve felt better and stronger and less stressed and more hopeful than I have in many, many years (possibly ever) – by that damage, and by this big, scary question: what if everyone else will always see me as these people did? From there, it expands: what if I’m silently being judged? What if I’m undesirable? What if I’m too talkative, too bossy, too boring? What if I’m unlovable because my room is a mess? What if I’m not interesting enough or my interests are lame? What if my annoying habits are just too unbearable? etc., etc., etc… The paragraph was coded but concerned people would understand as I don’t intend to reveal everything on this open forum.

This is the thing I’ve been able to conclude about the life that was mine: it was made clear, in every possible way, that every single thing about me was judged, and that I was rejected in various ways for those very things. I’m not even exaggerating that. I could give a list of specific examples, but honestly, it would be too humiliating.

Does no one ever get truly accepted for who they are; and is everyone seriously judged for every. Damn. Thing. – For choosing long hair over short, or for not possessing about being thin, or for lavishing too much attention on technology and not dogs?

I gotta tell you, I’m wondering if I’m crazy right about now.

Time. A real chance. As we grow into our relationship with friends and family, as our feelings deepen, I have faith that the damage will continue to diminish.

Because surely, I can’t ask people to staple a sign to their forehead, assuring me that there’s no judging going on, no intent to reject?

Or can I? Would that be too weird?

I heard people quoting:

People are never bad…it’s just the time that makes them bad.