Posts Tagged ‘week’

I am trying my best to be I suppose you could call it a student of life. In my own way I am trying to learn and understand more about life in general and of people all people. To get a better understanding of actions and reactions to situations in life. What I am learning is of how little I really know or understand. Sounds strange maybe but I realize the more I think I learn the less I realize I understand???? A few examples of the things that having me going, HUH???

Now, I think it is a fair statement to make, that, the vast majority of people do not want to die. Now that sounds pretty straight forward and simple. I can easily understand that, I can relate to that. Now here is the part I just do not understand. We do not want to die so obviously we want to go on living, our lives are precious to us. Again, I can certainly relate. Now here is the part I don’t understand. We all recognize and appreciate how precious our lives are, how precious our time on this planet is. But, do we really? We each know our individual time here is limited, we see how precious it is, but what are we doing with it? Why do we take time for granted always assuming there will be many tomorrows in which we can enjoy life. I think we live with so many thoughts of the future we forget to live today. Not sure where I heard this: “Life is not about learning how to weather a storm; it is about learning how to dance in the rain.” Thank about that as you go about your day.

As a society it seems to me anyway, that we are only comfortable dealing with or even thinking about death and dying when it is maybe in the abstract almost. By that I mean when it is happening to people far far away. People that we are not related to or associated with in anyway and somehow talking about them dying is an “OK” subject. Or, at least it doesn’t seem to make us feel as uncomfortable. Suddenly though if the topic hits closer to home it becomes more uncomfortable, we don’t want to talk about it or even think about it. Is it the fear of loss that affects us so deeply. A loved one passes and we have a really sense of loss. It is not only a sense of loss but a real loss in our lives. Without that person there our lives are changed forever, no denying that. Our lives are changed yes but can be and will be just as good with time. i have to wonder, we are grieving a loss, is that our main fear in this whole thing. We are grieving our own personal loss what is missing out of our lives. I don’t know are we really grieving more for ourselves than the other person. I don’t know that was just a thought that popped into my head.

What about if we are facing our own passing? Well actually that statement applies to every single person on this planet, it is just the timing. Struggling with wording, does that make sense? Can we become so obsessed with not wanting to lose our lives that we forget to live them while we still can?

Wow, I really got off track here as I rambled on. I’ve got to share a new perspective. It is when you lose people in terms of relationships. When people get into relationships or what you call friends with benefits, this is time when their priorities change; they value their partner more and dike you whenever they want to. This is so unfair. For the past six months this happens frequently with me. What to do? I can’t get any solutions to this issue. Then I thought how about we be the same with them and talk to them the way we used to. They may realize some day that they were wrong and come back to you, but this technique of mine seems to be a heart eiderdown, it’s not working too. Good luck to all those people who fall in this category.

As this was the last post of this file, I’ll take a week off before I start a new file.

Good Day 🙂

Finally…

Posted: February 28, 2010 in Uneven Moments
Tags: , , , ,

This has been an awful week on so many levels and it frustrates me that I can’t, right now, write about any of the awful things that have happened. Some of it is work related and some of it has to do with a close friend and both of those topics are off limits at the moment. I’m confident everything will work out in due time, but this week has been hard. The good news in all of it is that I think the recipe I was looking for was Knor with prawns and I intend to make a pot tonight.

The highlight of my week though was a call from my parents. I think it’s perfect and I really hope my parents enjoy the weekend. I miss them already.
Yesterday they called me excitedly, while I was at work, specifically to tell me about the new place and the hotel room. While shopping they called again though I was annoyed but I think they were missing me.
A friend bought me animal skin shoes last week. With the bumps still on it. I think that’s kind of gross actually. I’m just not a cowboy boot kind of a boy and most of my shoes aren’t made from animal products. Leather’s generally too expensive for Payless and Target. Alligator would be totally out of the question. They’re kind of nasty animals, but I don’t think they deserve to be killed and made into accessories, although there is quite the market for alligator meat in the north and interior and I guess if you’re going to eat them, you should make good use of their skin too. But yuck.

Sleep is what I require but no time. Friends, studies, work, blogging, social work and now this new event and fashion week. I desperately need a vacation. I want this semester to end fast.

The first few weeks we were together, my mind was on over-analyzing overdrive. It was understandable – our coming together had been so unexpected and shocking, we had each spent the last months on very emotionally fragile ground – and so I allowed it. I remember feeling stunned at how, despite how completely unexpected this had been, it nonetheless felt right. From the get-go, it felt right. We make total sense together – this was the first positive thought I allowed myself, the first acknowledgment that this was good, that it was o.k. to allow this.

Those first weeks my brain could not stop. There was just too much to accept, to adjust to, too many of my old ghosts coming back to mess with me. In typical Miq’s fashion, the over-analyzing led to our first disagreement, a day-and-a-half that had me feeling terrified (at the intensity of my thoughts) and miserable (because I didn’t want to feel what I felt, and I didn’t want to express any of it, and I didn’t want us to fight about something as abstract as my fears).

Maybe it was then that I made my brain shut off. I could see, however valid all those thoughts and concerns were, that this was no way to go about things. I called to mind instead all that mumbo-jumbo about one day at a time and crossing that bridge when you get to it. I figured those clichés were better than what I had going on at that moment, and that maybe I should stick with them.

I feel like I can’t let these emotions out. My brain keeps telling me to stop, to hold still. It is doing its job – protecting me – and I’m feeling resentful of it because I feel less and less like I need that kind of protection. Here, then, is the crux: my brain is doing what I asked it to do (what I forced it to do), but now, even as this same brain recognizes that I’m in the right place with the right person to let go and dive in, it’s not letting me. My brain knows that if I take that plunge, then that will be it. Everything inside me will tear loose. And while there is no fear that I’m just going to gush everything out like an idiot, there will be a definitive shift, one where the guard will slip, where my heart will have more say and play an equal part in my decision-making.

I am not balanced. I can’t integrate these two parts of myself even though the general tone here – the way this relationship is developing – clearly indicates that this is a good, happy, healthy (safe) place. If I stop and pay attention to what my brain’s been able to figure out, if I take the data from all these months and compute it, the result is this: I am happy. I am with someone who compliments me in so many ways, subtle and not, and whom I admire and respect and whose company has become vital to me. I have something that is fun and tender and honest. I have a real, true friend who excites me to my core.

I am happy. While there are dozens more things I could say about what the data shows, that right there is it. And even though I am happy with a happiness that feels rich and healthy and right, there is still this imbalance between brain and heart, this line that I teeter on, trying simultaneously to be smart but not think, to feel but not be a fool. To just do things right.

As usual, perhaps the answer – the missing link, in this case, between head and heart – is time, and that idea, to take each day as it comes. But I suspect, too, that I could use some courage here, some guts to just take that deep breath and completely dive in.

Ooohhhhh, this is a hard fall. Five blissful days with my wonderful friend, only to come back to the final week of the semester, i.e., a final exam and long-ass paper that’s making my brain hurt. Bleggghh….

Well, it was great! I met his dad, stepmom, youngest brother and other assorted relatives. What wonderful people. I was touched by how instantly welcoming and warm they were. They made me feel very comfortable. It was a relaxing, fun time, and I’m really just hoping they liked me as much as I liked them.

These last days have also given me a chance to perform well in the semester final exams but I am blank. I don’t want to study and thinking about those finals produce goose pimples. It wasn’t just the downtime and being away from home for long hours; I’ve had some really great, important conversations that only serve to reaffirm – that I can interview people well. I can fell the Déjà affect… Same VVIP’s I have met last year are again on my list. I’m not sure if I can explain… I guess I’ve always just had an idea of how I’d like to tackle these people and get some worthy information out of them, how I’d like to be treated and spoken to, the kind of connection between us and how we – together and individually – treat the questions. It’s astounding, really, to experience something like this. I feel both so lucky and a little freaked out, wondering how such good people ended up in my life. I’m a bit stunned, yet I think I deserve someone like them and something as loving and healthy and fun as what we have, even as I hope and hope and hope that I can bring as much change as I can, of course positively.

All this goodness helps on weeks like this one – I’m overwhelmed and exhausted and anxious for my life. Last night, as I started to write here, I was feeling all this stress and pretty much snapped. This post originally swung into a pretty ugly place, and then I realized it was pointless and would bring me problems, and basically, I’ve realized something: the computer is overwhelming me. I work on one, do my university work on one, and then have to stay on it if I want to write. And lately, I don’t want to be on the computer if it’s not university or work. And I think what was made clear last night was that I can’t sit here and write out of a sense of duty, without really having much to say, anymore. I need to go back to writing because I want to and not because it’s been 7 days since my last post.

For now, I’m going to play this by ear and write when I feel like it. Let’s see how it goes.

Fortunately I’ve met some people this week, quite new to me, but honestly it has been months conversing with people informally, using terms like bitch and whore, probably this type of conversation helps you socialize in a completely different manner. I am not focusing nor mentioning the gender… So that is it for today, this was just to break my writing fast 😉