Jumping to Negative Conclusions…

A day or two ago I wrote of me being “on guard duty”. At 3:30 am I had seen what I saw as being a suspicious car coming down our street. It was driving very slowly with no head lights on. This car then pulled over and parked directly behind the car belonging to company we had staying at the time. Where I was sitting in the shadows I don’t think I could be seen from the street. I watched this suspicious car for what must have been 5 minutes and all was quiet, no on got out. That made me even more suspicious and I felt inside this had to be bad guys “casing” the neighborhood or checking out the car. I decided to reveal myself thinking if they were bad guys they would take off immediately on realize someone was watching them. That is exactly what happened. Which just in my mind confirmed my suspicions. Now I still do think that very likely this was the case and it was indeed someone in the car that was planning no good.

I do think that a lot of the problems in the world today come from people jumping to conclusions and acting based on what they see and therefore know to be true, without necessarily knowing the entire story. There are always 2 sides to every story. Based on everything I saw with my very own eyes I “knew” this was someone up to no good and still do think that was likely the case. BUT, I don’t know both sides of the story, only what I saw.

I was thinking about it and realize that somewhere out there in my social circle is possibly a lady telling a story something like this. I was on my way home and it was really late. I was dialing my cell phone so I was driving slowly. When you answered my call, I pulled over to the side of the street so we could talk and I wouldn’t be distracted from my driving. After we had talked for a few minutes suddenly this big guy came out of the shadows not too far from the car. Scared me half to death, did I ever get out of there in a hurry.

Now if this is the case my most sincere apologies to whoever I may have scared. Now what really do I know to be true. Our area has a recent history of break ins, auto thefts and vandalism. Local neighborhood watch and the police advice we should be on guard for anything that looks suspicious. I know I saw a car driving very slowly down the street with no headlights on. I know that same car pulled over to the side of the street and just sat there for approx. 5 minutes with no one getting out. So I know area history and what I saw all of my suspicions were based solely on that. That was enough to put me into “Rambo” mode as my dear blogging friend Mel calls it. I stood guard protecting the homestead. I have to wonder how many others, even how many other countries go into “rambo mode” based on what they see and therefore “know” to be true. Fact of the matter is I couldn’t see into that car. I have no idea of who was in there or what they were doing. Based on what I know and what I saw I jumped to conclusions. Was I right, was I wrong, I don’t know. Right or wrong I know I would react in the same way again given those same circumstances. I suppose it is always better to be safe than sorry.

Now I am not unique or special in any sort of way, so I can only assume if I react based on what I see and therefore know to be true that others must also do the same. I can’t help but wonder how much damage is done in relationships, within countries or around the world by people acting on what they “know” to be true based on history and from what they see happening.

I am thinking of a couple of examples from my own life, my own history. Now if I see someone one staggering down the street, my mind seems to automatically jump to the conclusion that this is some drunk and to just avoid him/her.

One other example just came to mind. I am an early riser usually up around 6:00am. In the summer I love to sit out on the front step and listen to all the birds. Such a beautiful sound hundreds of birds singing all at the same time. One morning I noticed a young lady approaching from further down the street. Now this particular young lady was wearing some western outfit, I admit that does catch my eye. Young lady was walking on my side of the street. I was surprised when while she was still 3 or 4 houses away she left the sidewalk and continued walking but now in the middle of the street. Very little traffic on the street so not an issue. She carried on past the house and I noticed once 3 or 4 houses past she moved back on to the sidewalk. It dawned on me she was nervous about walking by the house. Hey, there must be someone lurking in the area that made her nervous. i jumped up and am checking the back yards etc.. I don’t see anyone anywhere. Then it hit me, it was me that made her nervous. Initially, I was shocked and thought it to be ridiculous, I mean I would never hurt her, if anything I would be one she could run to in need of help. But, then as I thought of it. It was very early in the morning, no other people around. She didn’t know me or anything about me. Then it made sense as to why she would want to keep her distance.

Personal safety must always come first, it is better to be safe than sorry. Somehow I can’t help but feel sad that the world has come to the point where jumping to negative conclusions seems to be a way of life.

So Frustrating…

I’m taking a step back from what seems to have become my main topic this last while, abuse particularly abuse of women. I just find any kind of abuse so wrong. Have you ever had something that really bothered you, really really irritated you, something that you know is just so wrong. Something that you know is there, but you can’t actually see it, but you know it is happening, you desperately want to do something about it but seemingly just can’t. Well that is the way I feel about that issue. It is wrong, it is unloving, it is cruel, and yet accepted by many. I am certainly not abandoning it, just taking a break as I seem to get very worked up inside of myself just thinking of it. Frustrating, why can’t people just see!!!!!! I think maybe I will set up a separate page or something and invite real men to comment on how they treat their ladies the jerks in the world will realize that that is just what they are jerks and what they are doing is wrong.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

That is so right on, such a wonderful thought, if we can only learn to see it and realize it in our hearts.

Think about it, what in life is the only thing that really we cannot change, other people. Let’s face it, while it may be difficult, everything else in life can be changed. I am not saying it would be easy but jobs can be changed, housing can be changed. When it comes right down to it, there really is nothing in our lives that can’t be changed, except other people. We can’t make other people change; we may try, even hope and pray for another to change. Ultimately we must accept that, no matter how hard we try, or what we do, we can’t change other people, into being the person we want them to be. For better or worse they are who they are and we must accept that, come to terms with it.

“The courage to change the things I can. Where can I make the biggest change the most important change, is within myself and for myself. I and only I am the master of my own destiny. I and only I am responsible for my life. I and only I must make the decisions and have the courage to accept responsibility for my own life. Have the courage to make changes as I see needing to be made. I think we often abdicate responsibility for our lives as they are today. Maybe, it is more like an avoidance issue. It is easier to avoid dealing with our lives as they are today, by putting off the issues until tomorrow. Life will be so much better: when I get the new job. When we get a bigger house, when the kid’s leave home…….. What did we just do with that, avoided dealing with our lives. It is easier to dream of a better life at some point in the future than it is to have the courage to deal with it now. If we don’t deal with our issues nothing will ever change in our contentment and serenity in life. It is not outside factors that determine the quality of life that is determined only from within.

“The wisdom to know the difference”. This is so big. The wisdom to know we cannot expect or even force others to change to fit our expectations. We can’t change others no matter how we try. (excluding parents raising children). To truly live a happy and contented life, the only thing we can change is ourselves. It is futile to expect another to change, not going to happen, unless they want it, and then they will change to who and what they want, not necessarily what we still want. All we can change is ourselves. That does take courage, but it can be done. The first single step takes the most courage from there it is more determination and a sense of direction as to where you want to take your life. If you don’t have a goal or a target in mind how can you know what steps to be taking to get there.

Feeling really tired right now, but have no one but myself to blame for that. Was up unusually late watching TV. Ever watched a movie and it really isn’t all that good, but you keep watching waiting for something to happen but it never does. I am then kicking myself for sitting up so late to watch something so silly. Makes you almost feel like a bit of an idiot or something. Well I seem to be able to outdo most in the idiot department. Right after the movie ended, I was surprised to see they had made a sequel. Yup, did the same thing and watched it all the way through. Thank goodness I have the luxury of nap time; I most certainly will be taking advantage of that today.

This morning I received an email from a friend directed me to a different site where she created a word picture using many of the supportive words I use so often in my posts. That is such a beautiful thing and I do thank you so much.

In her email one paragraph in particular really hit me:

“I always knew that words have great power to heal or to hurt. I may not have fully appreciated it until my exposure to verbal abuse. I’ll have to blog about this word power idea soon. Perhaps one positive result of my experience will be that I become more mindful of the impact of my words on others, and on myself for that matter.”

How many times have I heard or read that verbal (emotional) abuse can have a must longer and deeper impact on a person than even physical abuse. Physical scars and bruising heal much more quickly than emotional ones.

Emotional bruises and scarring take much longer to heal and can stay with a person for their entire life time. Not always but often this time of long term hurt is caused by words. Depending on where and who these words come from they can cut down inside to our very soul.

I would imagine most of us at one time or another have at least heard of this, the terrible power that can be contained within a few words. We know of how words can be just devastating, we realize that. We know that “mere” words can have such a devastatingly negative impact. I ask then wouldn’t it just stand to reason, if we look at the flip side of the coin, that “mere” words could have a wonderfully healthy healing power to them. If words can tear us down then obviously words can build us up in a healthy positive way.

I think if we really look at it, we will or at least I have realized how much quicker words of criticism can spring to mind as opposed to words of praise. I know this and actually do make a conscious effort to avoid using critical words and instead look for opportunities to lavish praise when warranted. Key words in that line were make an effort, sometimes in spite of my best efforts, oh well I will keep working at it.

Within each of us we hold a great healing power, with the power of our words. This can be applied to each and every relationship in our lives each and every day. By relationship naturally in mean spouse, kids, family and friends. But I am also referring to all relationships and interactions with people in our lives generally. Let’s take a waiter in a restaurant or a cashier in a supermarket. At certain times these people will very briefly enter our lives. But even if it is just for a few minutes, we enter into a very short term, very casual relationship with them. For those few minutes they do play an important part in our lives.

Let me give but 2 examples. Let’s stay with the waiter in the restaurant. We have all had occasions where we have had just exceptionally great service. He/she has gone out of their way to serve us, above and beyond what we would normally get. Generally, we do acknowledge that by leaving a little larger tip. Now I am sure that is appreciated but it is totally non personal. How much extra effort would it take us to just say a few words to the individual. Thank them for the wonderful service they gave you, voice your appreciation. How can we know what is going on in the life of another. Possibly that waiter/waitress is going through a really tough time in life and had to dig down deep within themselves to be able to give you the high quality service. Just a few words of recognition and appreciation may well be just what they need to hear to help get them through the day. There is really no way we can ever know. Really, what did it cost us to spend that extra 15 or 20 seconds to verbalize our appreciation of the service.

One more example from within our own families. I think or at least I hope we all know how wrong it would be to tell our children they are stupid or bad or any such thing. The long term affects of such comments can be devastating. We can be oh, so quick to recognize and verbalize our dissatisfaction on how our children are misbehaving. Are we as quick to jump in with a positive loving comment when they do behave? Now here I am not talking about things like when your child comes home with an A on a report card. Or course we are proud and congratulate them on a job well done. But, I am talking here more of the regular day to day activities, in just our daily routine. I don’t know but I would guess that if the average parent had some way of actually keeping track of every comment made to their child in any given day would likely see the comments containing some sort of negative connotation far outnumber’s the positive. It seems to me anyway that particularly with our spouse, kids and other family. We take good for granted, that is what is expected and we never comment on it. Act in anyway other than what we consider to be good and the comments spew forth very quickly.

Why is it we seem to make a conscious effort at times to avoid making negative comments, biting our tongues or whatever? Why don’t we put at least that same amount of effort into looking for positive and healing messages.

Each and every one of us has a great power within us. The power to help heal others through our words. We all have the words within, let’s get them out and start a whole lot of healing.

Misdirected Negative Feelings…

I thought I would give this abuse stuff a bit of a break. But there is a story I came upon on another blog. I read it and was so touched by it. I should have put the site on my blog roll or bookmarked it or something so I could go back and read it again. It just sort of keeps coming back to me again and again. It gave me a bit more of an insight into why possibly some suffers of abuse don’t seek help or at least take it when offered. I don’t know just my thoughts.

A part of it was about misdirected negative feelings. It spoke of long term abuse suffers being so beaten down, so defeated, they had no energy left to fight or really try any more. It goes back to the trained helplessness and hopelessness. I wish I had copied it to post it here, it states so much better the conditions of these situations than I can.

It spoke of women but I know it would equally apply to men. People who after 30 or 40 years of abuse are just left feeling empty and defeated. No energy to face anymore challenges, barely enough energy to just get through the day. They are so beaten down they are vulnerable to any and all that should wish to use or take advantage of them. They may have escaped from the abusive partner only to have that role taken over by other family members. Here I am talking brothers, sisters and even children to parents. There is no end of people willing to take advantage is given the opportunity, friend, neighbors, coworkers that list would be endless. Wittingly or unwittingly many seem to sense when someone is vulnerable and can be taken advantage of. I am sure this taking advantage of, using, controlling or abusing starts off with something small. But, it almost seems like human nature, if you get away with something small the tendency is continue pushing the envelope just to see how far you can take it. I am sure so often it is even at a subconscious level. The situation gradually evolves, expands and grows until it reaches the point total control is established over the other. I am sure even at that point many do not even realize what they are doing. Things have evolved and changed so slowly that it is not even realized that we have taken control of or are dominating the life of another. We don’t even realize or appreciate what is being done. It reaches the point where it becomes an expectation. “She will do what I want or I will be very mad and will make her life so miserable she will eventually cave in and I will get my way, as it should have been.”

Our abuse victim is pushed even further down. I have read our own children can be the worst at doing this. Our abuse victim just gives up. Her self esteem and self confidence so beat and taken away, she has no confidence in her own decisions. It is just easier to let anyone, even my kids decide what I should be doing, their decisions are likely better than mine anyway, and I just don’t have the energy to fight them, so be it.

I was surprised to read of a quite a number of women actually seeing and recognizing a loving, healthy hand being extended to help them. Of them feeling it was the right thing, the healthy thing to do but of them refusing the offered hand. Possibly maybe because of lack of trust in her own ability to make the right decision but mostly because of the objections of her own family. I am not sure if their objections were based on their own fear of change, I certainly hope not to just exert their control, this I just can’t believe.

I read of women giving up on what they knew would be a real chance of happiness in a healthy relationship because it was too much bother. Their families were comfortable the way things were and didn’t want change and fought it. In each case she just gave in not having the energy to fight for anything, not even her own health, happiness and well being.

I read of the stories of 3 women that had managed to find a new love. A love with a good loving and respectful man. In each case family pressure was so great; it became so stressful each ended the relationship. One guy ran for the hills never to be seen again. The other 2 had too much love to just give up that easily, they persisted in trying to wooing the lady they loved. Neither realized what they were really up against. Each attempted contact caused such uproar in the home, more and more stress for the lady. So much stress she began to dread the thought of him calling, knowing the stress and tension in the home that it would cause. In each woman apparently the feelings of love remained intact, but she began to resent the man for calling or trying to contact her because of the family stress it would cause her.

This is what I call the misdirected negative feelings. Here we had 3 women that had loving hands extended to them. Three women that had a chance at a healthy happy life but gave it up. Not only that but their negative feelings were directed at the loving man, the health support and not at those holding her back, controlling her life. I don’t get it!!!!!!!!

I have often encouraged people to shed negative draining relationships from your life and surround yourself with healthy, supportive and nurturing relationships. I just ask before you shed a relationship, please be sure you are sure where the negativity is coming from and be sure you shed the correct relationship. In the case if the relationship that needs to be sheded is with family, remember that doesn’t necessarily have to mean ending or cutting the ties, just the relationship as it is. End it as it is and reform it into a new and healthy one.

Starfish Story…

A woman was walking along a beach when she saw a man scooping up starfish off the sand and tossing them into the waves. Curious, she asked him what he was doing. He replied “When the tide goes out it leaves these starfish stranded on the beach. They will dry up and die before the tide comes back in, so I am throwing them back into the sea where they can live.”

The woman laughed, “But this beach is miles long and there are hundreds of stranded starfish, most will die before you reach them – do you really think throwing back a few starfish is going to make a difference?”

The man picked up a starfish and looked at it and threw it into the waves. “It makes a difference to this one” he said.

In the story here we have a man seemingly taking on a hopeless or maybe even seemingly a useless task. There are miles of beach all of which he alone can’t possibly cover to save all of the starfish. But, does he give it up as a useless or hopeless task, NO. He realizes you Maybe can’t mean the world to everyone, but you can be the world to someone. He was doing his part, to help the world and meant the world to those starfish he did save.

I meant it when I said he was doing his part to help the world, he realize that every little bit counts, every little bit helps. He was showing his true character and the size of his heart by helping a living thing in trouble. I can only imagine that a man with a heart this big would be also helping other people in any way he could with that same determined effort. Realizing every little bit helps, no extra effort is too small and no one would be seen as being not worth his help. He would just do what he could and I am sure felt better in his heart for knowing he did what he could.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all did that, had that attitude. If we all just did what we could instead of just throwing up our hands in despair, thinking this task, this problem, whatever is just too big, so big that nothing I could ever do would make a difference. That thinking is just as wrong as truly every little bit helps. Love is what makes this world go around. It is the one thing there really can never be too much of. It truly is a case of the more the better. You have it in your heart, an inexhaustible supply of love. By showing it, sharing it through a simple act of kindness to another can be your way of doing your bit to make the world a better place.

Sharing this love can and will have its own rewards as you will feel the very love in your heart that you are giving away is growing, more than you can imagine.

How A Man Treats A Woman…

Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today. ~ James Dean

A little while ago I sort of stumbled on this whole issue of abuse. I admit to having a hard time letting go of it, as it is all just so wrong and just makes no sense what so ever to me.

I never have and never will be a physical abuser and have never intentionally been an emotional abuser. I say “intentionally” as let’s face it at times we all misspeak or are misunderstood and can unintentionally hurt another.

I often get quite a number of emails from fellow bloggers and other friends. At times it is requested I do a post stating what my thoughts are on certain things. This is one of those cases; I have received a number of messages asking me to state my thoughts on how women should be treated by men. When I got the first message I sort of just laughed it off, thinking that is a no brain-er every man knows how to treat a woman. Then 3 more messages came in asking for the same thing. That made me stop and think, this along with the abuse issues I have been writing about make it clear maybe all males don’t know how they should be treating a woman. In fact I do believe all males know how a woman should be treated. The sad fact of the matter is many males are so immature and insecure within themselves that they CHOOSE not to do this. To make themselves feel better, more secure, I don’t know something. I do know this is unloving, unkind, just plain cruel and self centered. It is ridiculous. I belong to a third world country, stats here and in the west are quite different but still I’ll try to stick to the topic.

First off though I have to come to the defense of men. Now I know I have said this before but I must say it again. I hear so much about “MEN” abusing women, it almost at times make me ashamed to admit to being a man. I can say from my heart no “MAN” has ever hit a woman, controlled her or abused her in anyway. A real man just would not do that. There is a lot of understandable confusion as there are a lot of punks out there that see themselves as men, in general the world sees them as men, just because of age and size. This is where the confusion comes in. It takes more than age or size to become a MAN. It is time for all of us to realize the difference, a punk irregardless of age or size is not a Man. Abuse a woman in anyway and you have just proved to her, to yourself and all around, you are not a man but a PUNK. No explanations, reasons or excuses can ever change this, you are a punk. Maybe it is time to realize that, realize that real men look down on you, realize it is time to grow up to become an MAN.

OK, so how should any man treat any woman. A woman, any woman should always be treated with dignity and respect, treated as a Lady. There are just no exceptions to this rule, none, circumstances, situation nothing matters.

Now right away I can picture many shaking their heads, both men and women, saying there are some women out there that just don’t deserve to be treated as ladies. OK, I admit it, I have said there are a number of immature selfish males out there passing themselves off as men but are just punks. Statistically speaking I am therefore also sure there are a number of women doing the same. Irregardless, should this be true or not, as a man this does not give me the right to in essence pass judgment and treat them with anything but dignity and respect.

As a man I must have my own internal set of standards or conduct. To really be a man and to be true to myself, I cannot ever allow myself to sink below that set of standards. I am not responsible for the actions or deeds of others, but I am very much responsible for my own. I many not in fact approve, personally, of the deeds of another, and in fact not even want to have really anything to do with that person. That is fine, but, it does not mean that I can treat the individual with less than the dignity and respect any human being deserves.

Husband/wife relationship. Obviously the same dignity and respect would apply here, even to a much higher level. If a man loves his Lady he will show his love and do everything he can to make his Lady feel the love, feel safe and secure, feel protected, feel valued and cherished, feel respected as a person in her own right. He will strive to make her feel valued as the person she is, independent and free.

Some will question, how could anyone in a committed relationship be allowed to feel independent and free. Free to make her own choices. Some will ask if you are in a committed relationship, how can you be allowed to feel independent and free. Doesn’t the commitment remove the independence and freedom? It shouldn’t remove your right to choose your actions. It is in fact your choice of actions that will determine the depth of your commitment to the relationship. I don’t believe in pre marriage relations so I’ll shut this topic for now.

A real man if he truly loves his Lady will do everything he can to make her happy. He will help to nurture and support her, encouraging her to become the very best she can be. Nature dictates that in most cases the male will have superior size and strength. This should only and always be used to protect your Lady from harm, make her safe, make her feel safe.

A woman’s place is at a man’s side, equal in all ways, irregardless of anything. This is something I believe and have written many times. I recently read something about Pak Tribal Culture. This indicated that some believe at times a woman should indeed walk about 10 steps behind the man and under the circumstances described I agree.  How could this be justified, may be asked? At the time this practice was in place, they lived in the wilderness. The man walked ahead simply to ensure the trail was safe, free of snakes or anything that might endanger his lady. Your Lady should be loved, cherished and protected at all times.

When I think of a healthy relationship I think of 2 ships floating on the sea of life. I see 2 ships that are fully functional on their own, fully capable of navigating through life on their own. I see these 2 ships choosing to sail the sea of life together side by side. Love is the only reason these ships choose to sail side by side. As a man, I would not want to be sailing through life with another ship at my side that didn’t really want to be there, how unsatisfying in unfulfilled would that be, really.

But on the contrary what about men who face physical abuse? These stats are off record and never fiddled with.

May add more later. A completely new topic to deal with.

Good Morning

Responsibility/Choices…

The past few days have really been “thinking” days for me. I have spent a lot of time reflect back on my life in the past, my current situation and my future. A realization has come to me; I am very good at making excuses for myself. I suppose it is my way of rationalizing my actions or in-actions, thoughts and feelings in many cases. By rationalizing everything out in my head, it becomes easier to make up excuses to myself and make me feel a little better about myself. Is it a way of mentally and emotionally allowing me to avoid taking responsibility for my action or whatever. It seems my excuse usually means laying all of the blame on someone else. I can make myself feel better with this making of excuses. Thoughts like, “I only did that because he/she did what they did, it’s not my fault I acted like such a jerk, what did they expect.” Ahh, there I feel better, it was someone else’s fault that I act like I did. Now once I have laid the blame, I can absolve myself of any and everything. It just wasn’t my fault. They made me do it.

Sometimes reality can give you a real bite in the butt. That comes when you honestly sit and realize no one makes you do anything. Believe me, I know there are many situations or circumstance when at the time, it can so easily seem like “they” are making me act as I am. There can be circumstances where we just instantly react, seemingly with no thought given. That is a fair statement, but it still doesn’t mean you were forced to react as you did.

When it comes right down to it I must accept responsibility for the fact that I and only I am responsible for my actions. I must accept the fact we always have choices. In every given situation, event or circumstance in the past, I had choices to make (whether it seemed like it at the time or not) and at the time I made the choice that it did based on whatever logic I had going on at the time. Really, I have no one I can blame but myself.

As I am sitting here I have to wonder, why is it we always seem to find it necessary to place blame. If something in my life doesn’t go according to my plan, someone is to blame be it myself or others, but blame must be put in place. As I think, I realize how ridiculous, even hypocritical of me is that. Part of my prayer routine includes the Lord’s Prayer. In it I am very clearly praying, asking that God’s will be done in my life. Even with this when something doesn’t go exactly according to MY plan, I must find someone to blame. I know within myself I have come a long way on this and seldom assess blame anywhere, but I still have much to do.

I pray others will take a good hard look at their own lives and become more accepting of the reality of life and quite assigning pointless, counterproductive blame, and I do mean not even on ourselves.

Many I am sure will jump up and down shouting my situation is different, you don’t know my circumstances. “Someone, anyone, everyone is to blame for my life being as it is, certainly not me.” I just ask, take a really hard honest look, is that really true or are you making excuses as I so often do.

Another, thought has just popped into this empty head of mine. Everything I am writing of, I am applying to or thinking of the general happenings in life.

To be clear, I recognize there are some very obvious and legitimate exceptions. Crime, natural disasters, accidents, many things can affect each and every one of us. Merely, one example of what I would consider an exception and a very big and important exception would be say the case of a woman being raped or a child molested. I would NEVER, NEVER think or suggest the victim of such a horrific act, assume any responsibility, NONE what so ever. Here important choices come into play but only in how to deal with the aftermath.

My prayers are with all as they face a day of choices.

Examining Our Motives…

I am not sure why this year is different than others it seems. We just passed Mother’s Day and I seem to be spending more time thinking of my mother than I have in past years. It is more than 17 years since she’s been babying me. Every year on Mother’s Day and on her birthday, I make a point of taking at least a few minutes to sit quietly and just think of her, say a little prayer and thank her for being my mother and pray for her long life.

Talking about a friend I lost last year in June. My belief system did indeed help ease the pain and sense of loss at her passing. I KNOW she was in a tremendous amount of pain prior to her passing. I KNOW she is now in a much much better place, I KNOW I will in God’s time be seeing her again. I KNOW that her leaving this world when she did was what God knew to be best for her and He called her home. I KNEW in my heart even back at the time that I should be happy for her that she was gone, I mean considering where I knew she had gone to. I KNEW my feelings of grief and loss were the inner selfish me seeing only what I was losing, having her in my life. I certainly can’t say that even with this belief that it made the dealing with her loss easy, it certainly was not, but I do think it helped, at least makes it easier.

In my mind I have a comparable I use when I think of the loss of a loved one, I know I have written about it before.

I think of this. Suppose a loved one won something really spectacular say a cruise around the world that would last a full year. You know your loved one would have the time of their lives, be happier than possibly ever before. How do you deal with this? You do want your loved one to be happy, but having him/her gone for a full year. That could mean you have to make changes to your own life, I mean a year is a long time for them to be gone. I am sure there are many but I see there as being basically 3 different ways we could deal with it.

#1. Feel our love for the person foremost. Be happy for them; be so glad in your own heart that they have this chance for happiness and joy. Encourage and support them as they prepare for this wonderful time. For sure you know you are going to miss them, but know you can deal with it. The fact they will be happy makes you happy. To me this is the loving approach.

#2. You grudgingly give into them going. But, you make it plain and obvious how difficult things will be for you without them around for this time. You rob them of the shine the excitement of the trip. You fill them with worry and dread about how you will be able to make out with them gone. Yes, they may still go but the enjoyment factor of possibly the entire time is greatly reduced. Who is to know, maybe the enjoyment is even replaced with regret for having gone on the trip, we are so filled with worry about those left behind, how they are doing and how they are feeling.

#3. We take our personal selfishness to the extreme. I don’t care how much joy or happiness he/she will have. I need him/her here with me. I don’t want to have to make any changes in my life, I want things to remain as they are. I like life as it is now and I don’t want him/her to even think of changing the way I want it to be. So what if they miss out on this chance, there will be others. Now way I am going to let them do this to me, I am going to do anything and everything I can to stop it. “I know the way things should be and will be.”

As I am sitting here I realize this applies to virtually every situation in our lives, when it comes to dealing with loved ones and well with everyone in which we have contact. Each of us is an individual and as such have our own personal “agendas”. Our personal agendas motivate our actions and interactions with all others. Are our motives our actions love based or are they based on our own selfishness? I don’t think there is really any gray area here, when it really comes down to it, it is one or the other, love or selfishness. I know it is so easy to rationalize away our individual situations, thinking, “yeah but this is different”. NO IT IS NOT, not if you are honest and really get down to the core of the matter. I want and I really do try to make all of my actions and interactions love based.

Wow, I got off on a bit of a tangent there. But it is what I believe. I guess it is obvious I don’t plan my posts I just start writing what is in my heart and mind. Thoughts just go where they go. This is my journal and I just write.

I knew when my friend I mentioned about passed, she had gone on a voyage. A voyage to a wonderful destination where she would be so happy, she would be in such a better place and so very much better off. My sense of loss was real. I knew my life was changed forever. It would never be the same without her in it. But, I knew I could deal with the change. I chose to celebrate, remember and appreciate the time we had together rather than “just” mourn what I had lost.

I have no doubt, never have had any doubt, that this friend still “exists”. I use the term “exists” as I am not quite sure how else to describe it. She is maybe just in a different form, living in a different Realm.

I am not sure what has made this  Day different, it is almost like I can feel her presence here with me. Not sure, if that makes any sense of how else to describe it. It is just how I feel.

This post certainly took a different direction on me but that seems to so often happen. I have said before of my little routine before I write. I ask for guidance in finding the words that my help someone, anyone today.

I guess that will wait until tomorrow, I am tired and heading for a nap.

The Storms of Life…

I am a bit of a “gimp” and so do have a lot of spare time on my hands. Different thoughts rattle around this hear of mine. I know my days are indeed numbered. I don’t know that that number of days is. I do know that whatever number of days I do have, will in the end not be enough. As I sit here thinking, I realize that I am sure applies to almost everyone. No matter how many days we are gifted with on this earth as it draws to a close we will wish for and want more days.

That sadly is largely out of our hands. Lives do have an expiration date. That is an unchangeable fact it is an inevitable fact for everyone of us.

We though are not entirely powerless in this whole process. We can’t change the end result but we can change what we do with our time, how we live our lives, right up until that last moment whenever it may be. So very many times I have written live life don’t just endure it. I imagine everyone would agree that is a wonderful idea but how do you get to do it? Life is so very hectic these days. We are all caught up on the frantic treadmill of life. It seems every moment of every day is already stretched to the breaking point as we struggle to just get through each day. I know I did that for years and years.

I don’t know how to word this so it makes sense. Being told you are dying can be a “good” thing. Now by good, I mean it really gives your head a shake and opens your eyes. It opens your eyes in that suddenly you see things differently. You are better able to really see the priorities in your life. OK, the dying part kind of sucks but the experience of having your eyes really opened and to be able to see life as it really is, is wonderful. I do know I certainly would have lived much of my life differently if in the past I had been able to see things as I do today. Can we learn from the mistakes of others, yes? Will we learn, I don’t know, that is up to the individual.

I have this saying bouncing around in my head; I am not sure where I got it. I am sure it is too good to be a Miqdad’s original, ah who knows.

Faith will not necessarily help you avoid the storms in life, it will though teach you to dance in the rain. As we travel the highway of life we will indeed encounter storm after storm, issue after issue, problem after problem. That is life and in that way it is no different for any of us. The individual issues will differ but overall the journey is about the same. The only difference is how we weather those storms, are we devastated or have we learned to dance in the rain.

When I say devastated that may be too strong a word for a lot of situations, but you get the idea. I am talking about the trivial little issues in life that just seem to hit us the wrong way. We get all fired up and allow it to spoil our day. The sort of thing that in 3 months you aren’t even going to remember it anyway. OR, do we just think, “well that is kind of annoying but oh well it isn’t that big a deal.” We carry on enjoying our day. We make the best of a situation.

There are thousands of example I could use. I will pick just one that could very well be a big one for many.

Suppose you have a job, any job, it doesn’t matter, but you just hate it. You hate it so much you dread going to work every day, you are miserable every moment of every day. Well the obvious answer would be start looking around and get yourself a different job.
What do you do though if for anyone of hundreds of reasons, financial, location or whatever, getting a different job is simply out of the question and yes there are such reasons. What do you do then?

Change what you can and I do mean what you can and learn to live with or accept the other. If you find there is something you simply must live with, learn to live with it. Try to make the best of it, learn to dance in the rain. Sometimes all we can change is ourselves and our own attitudes. I used the job situation as an example but this applies to virtually every area of our lives, attitude is key. We ourselves decide if we are living life or enduring it. What are your thoughts?

Wow, be glad I used spell checker today plus I really hope the storm expectation today is wrong and diverts somewhere else.

Good Day 🙂