Be yourself…

I am the master of my own fate, the captain of my own destiny. I heard that somewhere and really like it, the more I think on it the more and more I like it. What does it mean to me? I am an adult and as such am in charge of my life. I and I alone am responsible for my own actions and reactions. I am the one that is control of my life, it is mine to live. When you really think about it what else do we have that is exclusively ours. This person known as Miqdad will in fact be the only person with the real me throughout my entire life. Oh, for sure others will come and play parts in our lives some bigger parts some smaller or shorter parts. Some play more important parts, some less so. But, no one will be with me constantly 24/7 other than this character the world sees as Miqdad. Am I making sense here?

The face we put on for the world to see will differ at different times depending on the situation. I have to ask, how often does that face we put on for the world to see, match the true me? I think I am on some sort of spiritual quest or something. I am struggling to do away with all the false faces. I am Me and that is it, nothing more nothing less.

Attitude…

Now that I am past it and the temperatures have moderated, I see it was actually a great learning experience for me. I can whine and cry about how unpleasant it was. Looking back now and seeing it for what it was in the overall scheme of things that is all it was “unpleasant” or “uncomfortable.” So many have it so much worse. I allowed merely feeling uncomfortable to drag my mood down. Looking back now I am almost embarrassed that I allowed that to happen. When I say allowed it to happen that is what I mean “ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN”. When I look at it, what did it take to bring me down, not much really in the overall scheme of things. I have to wonder why it is, my mood or spirits can drop with seemingly no effort on my part but then it takes work to get it back up. Well I am on the way back. New mind set: no damn heat or humidity is going to keep me down. Somehow, I have to question myself why is it only after the temperatures have moderated that I am able to think of this new mind set.

I truly have so much in my life to be grateful for. I know that and am so thankful; I am such a lucky man. How easy it is to lose sight of that, literally in the heat of the moment. So, so many have it so much worse than I.

If I am dying, so aren’t we all, just on a different time schedule. Some are even doing it on a time schedule similar to mine, but are in great pain and agony. I think a little heat and I allowed my spirits to sag, oh, what they must be going through. I can’t even begin to imagine. My prayers are with them, everyone.

This may sound strange but I am glad we had the heat and humidity and that it affected me in the way it did. It has proven to be very humbling to me and a great learning experience.

It has given me a new appreciation or possibly a little better understanding of what so many others are enduring. I don’t even want to think about what it would have done to me, if I had spent the past month in terrible pain.

I look at my own condition and have to say “man oh man, I am so lucky”. I won’t go into the memory issues as they are pretty small in the overall life thing.

Wow, I look at that list and I do have a lot of stuff going on. Understand, it is not intended as a poor me list or anything like that. If anything, I hope it shows that a person can live a relatively normal life, with so many different conditions if PROPERLY treated. Those are the key words properly treated.

I am back again, I think this is the first time a post has taken me 3 days to finish, with my little bit here and a little bit there way of writing.

I think I am rambling all over the place here. I think my point here was going to be that people can in fact live with a wide variety of conditions. Attitude and proper treatment can carry you a long way. Try an attitude of gratitude. Am I grateful to have any of my conditions, NO. But am I grateful help and treatment is available to me, YES.

I could easily fall into the poor me, why me, mode of thinking. Then I think, why not me? Every year a certain percentage of the population will be afflicted with every condition known. I believe God loves us all equally, so why would I expect He would spare me? What could make me think I am so special in His eyes that I should be spared over someone else? I am so grateful that I know though God’s guidance, individuals were able to find treatments that allow me to live in my relative comfort.

People’s Reactions…

Hey this is a mile stone day, I am actually editing this post. Well sort of, I am just adding this paragraph to clarify the dates. This is one of my marathon posts, started Thursday, added to on Friday and Saturday, and I hope finished today Wednesday. The “yuck” day was actually this past Friday. I hope this clarifies the disjointed time references.

As I read of this terrible tragedy, a realization has come to me. I would have been willing to swear I wasn’t, but I realize I am a judgmental person. For me this is not a comfortable realization to come to, but it is true. Understand I am not pointing fingers at anyone especially not the poor people involved in the tragedy in lahore. I know exactly the same events would occur anywhere there is such a tragedy.

I read there is looting going on and I immediately jump on my moral high horse and proclaim that to be awful. Then I read further and see a lot of the looting is for the basics of life, food and water. Huh, well that puts a different light on things. But I am still on my high horse and still think it is awful, and then I start to think. If I had a wife and children at home, and they were going hungry and thirsty. If I could see no other options at the time to provide for my family, I would likely be one of the first into the store. Would I feel bad, yes, would I feel guilty, yes. Would that stop me likely not. I had to get off my high horse feeling bad about being judgmental of others, upon realizing given the right set of circumstances I would do the same. Don’t you just hate it and feel so embarrassed when you realize you are wrong?

I have written this many times. These are totally my own statistics based on my life experiences. Generally, I hate categorizing people, making broad sweeping statements about any groups in general. But for this thought, I do anyway. I am talking about people in general, irregardless of race, culture, sex or anything. I am talking about every single person on this planet.

OK, how do I categorize such a vast and diverse group of beings? That is the easy part. I believe about 90% of the population is comprised of good, decent, honest people trying their best. Trying to get through each day, raising a family, doing the best they can. About 5% of the population is making up of those exceptional people that always go the extra mile to help out, kind, generous and caring. This group I often consider to be almost Earth Angels. That leaves the remaining 5% that are generally, uncaring, inconsiderate jerks.

So my personal categories are easy. The tough or even impossible part comes when trying to decide who belongs in each. The problem comes as within each category are many varying degrees and the lines between each are often blurred and we can all move regularly between each. We all move between the categories depending on the day, depending on so many circumstances. I know this, I accept this. I know given the right circumstances I can seem a jerk and I am I suppose. Isn’t it so much easier to recognize others when acting like jerks. When I am acting in the same manner, I can always justify it with, someone or something caused me to act that way. Nothing, and no one can cause me to act in any particular way, I chose to act that way.

In viewing others can any of us ever be totally non judgemental? I am not sure anymore. Ultimately judgment is reserved for a power far greater than I. For that I am grateful.

So Funerals Have to be so Sad…

A big congratulations to my dear blogging friend Joe Hart . He has a double celebration going on. A one year anniversary for his blog and an amazing 200,000 hits. Joe Hart through his writings is such an inspiration. If you haven’t visited his site, you really are missing out.

I have been asking myself, do funerals have to be sad, or at least sad to the extent we often see. I know there will always be an element of sadness with the passing, the loss of a loved one. That is understandable and perfectly normal. I do sometimes wonder though, we as a society are so much affected by the expectations of fitting into the norm. What is the norm for a funeral. It seems great sadness, shows of grief and such. I am not a doctor or a man of the clergy and as such can speak with no authority and am only expressing my own personal thoughts and preferences. I am very sure open displays of grief as we see are very therapeutic for many and help in the healing process. If it is a helpful tool for those left behind, excellent I am all for it. I certainly mean no disrespect to those grieving. Grief is a very individual thing and whatever form works best for you, it the way to go. When there is a loss of a loved one there will always be sadness and grief, I know that.

Still for myself and within myself I have to wonder, is it the only way to get closure? I don’t know.

I have long had the thought in my head. “mourn not what you have lost but instead celebrate what you have had”. I do think this is an excellent philosophy to apply to all things in our life. Good advice, easily said but so difficult to put into practice when it deals with the loss of a loved one. This is a thought though that did help me tremendously at the time of the passing of my loved ones. This is not to say, I wasn’t sad or grieving, it is just that it did help me.

I suppose largely, it will depend on your individual view of death and what follows. At the time I had absolutely no doubt in my mind she was going to a much better place. I still do not question that thought at all. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. I can’t help but be happy for them (sad for me) knowing they has indeed gone to such a wonderful place and that when the time is right I will be with them again. Again, words so easy to say, but so difficult to appreciate when in the midst of grief.

Largely, I am not fearful of what lies ahead for me, a little nervous maybe but not fearful. My dread and fear comes in when I think of the loved ones I am leaving behind. I so desperately want them to all have good happy lives. I never want them to ever have any pain or grief in their lives. OK, I know that is an unrealistic hope as some pain and grief will come to all. I can only hope I am not the cause of any of it. Yet it is inevitable when I pass there will be grief and sorrow.

I am certain in some way, in some spiritual form I will be able to attend or look down on my own funeral.

What would I personally prefer to see. My family and friends all gathered in great sadness, in obvious pain or a reasonably happy group gathered to reminisce about our happy times together. Celebrating and I hope appreciating our time together. Laughing telling jokes even if they are at my expense, I certainly know I have given every one enough to be able to come up with some sort of a joke about my often silly ways. Celebrate what we had, instead of mourning what is lost. The loss is only temporary.

I am not sure how this transition from the physical to spiritual works, but I can’t help but think I may be aided on my way knowing, my life gave reason for a celebration.

Maybe, this is a final act of selfishness on my part, I don’t know.

I ask for comments. Can we turn a funeral into a celebration of life? Would doing that take away from the healing process of the families?

Funerals…

Had a real lazy day yesterday, just lounged around and really did nothing. Hey that is not far off my normal day.

I wonder how much time most people spend thinking about funerals. Very little, if even any I would imagine. Sadly, at a few times in our lives we attend one, when a loved one passes over. As it rightfully should be, most of our thoughts are with our grieving and sorrow. Paying our respects and saying final good byes. I have luckily had to attend very few funerals in my life time, but have on occasion viewed them as events that must be endure, and I just want them over with. Grief is such an individual thing, for me, at first I just want to be left alone. Let me think on this, digest this new development and then I will be ready to talk.

I have heard it so many times funerals are the living and not actually for the deceased loved one. I absolutely agree with this and have said many times it is so much harder on the loved ones left behind. I am all for anything that will help those left behind. The funeral may be a good place to let emotions out, to find some degree of closure. I don’t know how all that psychological stuff works, but whatever it takes is a good thing.

There is an issue I have been wrestling with in my mind of late. I know this is my human mind, my physical mind grappling with issues beyond my understanding, while at this physical level. I just can’t fully understand or appreciate the beauty and purity of the love contained within the spiritual world.

Example, I don’t know how it all works but I believe after you have passed over, you are still able to look back here into this physical world and even be here in a spiritual form to comfort loved ones. In a spiritual form you could attend your own funeral or at least watch from above.

I know when in spirit form we will be of pure love and goodness, absolutely no negativity. My human mind just can’t grasp that concept. I know this in not correct but in my mind I keep thinking even while in Heaven, if you looked down say at your own funeral and suppose not one came. Wouldn’t you be just a little disappointed, now I know this is wrong even as I say it. Just one of my human thoughts and weaknesses.

I wonder about my own funeral, when that time comes. Over my career, I have moved many times from location to location and have made friends everywhere I went. But all seemed to be short term friendships, I seemed to move on to a new group of friends with each move. When my time comes it will be interesting to see who attends.

Angel Visions…

Some time back, I wrote about visions and dreams. I received several comments on that, all of which I appreciate. One mentioned how it seems we are reluctant to talk of such things until the time is right. That seems to be so true, but so sad at the same time. Now I never have had the privilege or the honor of having an Angel appear to me or speak directly to me or anything like that. I wonder though, if such a miraculous event were to happen, would I have the courage to shout it to the world. At such an event I should be shouting it to the world “I saw an Angel” or “an Angel gave me a message and this is what it is”. I really do think I would be telling the world or at least anyone that would listen. But then I think, if I heard anyone else saying exactly the same thing, my mind would be full of doubt. I might think that person was either dreaming, hallucinating or even just plain crazy. If I were the one delivering the message I am sure many would think the same of me.

If such a miraculous event were to happen to me, at the time I am sure I would be just bursting with love, joy, happiness…. But then at some point my human mind is going to kick into gear. Would I begin to question what I had seen? My human mind trying to rationalize it, I must have been dreaming. I do believe in Angels, but of all the people in the world, I can’t believe an Angel would choose me. I must have been dreaming. I must have been dreaming so I am not going to go out and make a fool of myself in front of all those other people. Why would I care what so many others may think? I suppose that is one of those special events that you really don’t know how you will react until you actually experience it, if indeed you are so fortunate.

Love

To Know You are Dying…

Yesterday, was not a good day felt tired most of the day and today is starting off the same. I keep thinking maybe, instead of fighting the tiredness, I should just throw up when the feeling comes. May be it is nature or something, I don’t know, but I fight the urge until the end. When, I am feeling that way, controlling the tiredness is the only thought in my head. I need sleep. Ah,well when a day starts off like this you know all it can do is get better, always have that to look forward to.

My administrator’s site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.

It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subsides and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly nowhere another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.

I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, whatever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.

Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another? The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.

Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what people say (2012 impending). I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death; I just want to delay it as long as possible.

My Way…

Yesterday was an OK day, not one of my best but not one of what I call my bad days. Evening was wonderful, friends stopped by for a visit. They spent the night and left this morning. They had to be up early and left so quietly, not wanting to disturb our sleep, I didn’t even hear them.

I suppose it is natural that as I spend more time just thinking and reflecting back on my life and even on the world in general, different types of thoughts pop into my head. I suppose that shows my thinking process has changed or something. Even the mere fact that I will just sit and think back, is different from what it has been at times in the past. At different periods of my life there were times when I purposely kept myself so busy that I wouldn’t have time to think about my life. I suppose that showed a lack of internal strength on my part. To me, my life was in chaos and I almost seemed to be frozen in time not knowing what to do or where to turn. I too often took the easy way by not even allowing myself to think of my life at the time. Don’t think, avoid the pain.

I look back today; with I suppose is my “new mindset” and see each of those situations differently. Today, is all the hurt and pain gone? No, and maybe never will be. I can look back now and learn more from those mistakes or events, than sadly I did at the time. I now see each was just one small dot on the overall picture of my life. Each individual dot has brought me to be the person I am today. I am content with that; I am content and happy with my life today. Who is to know, maybe if even one small thing had happened differently in my past, my life, my thinking today could be different.

I even feel kind of silly, thinking of how every day I prayed asking for God will to be done in my life. Yet I fought so hard or felt so hurt when my will didn’t prevail.

I look around me and see so many people getting upset over what really are inconsequential little things. Sometimes it is almost like I would like to go and just give them a good shake, and say. Stop and think, think of the precious moments in life you are wasting being upset. We have to few of these moments and there will come a day when you regret those moments wasted. But, I look back and realize if someone would have said that to me a couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have listened. I would have been too busy dealing with the issues of the moment. To busy, to wrapped up in one small dot in the overall picture.

Please Gift me With a Random Acts of Kindness…

Hey, I am a greedy guy, enough is never enough with me, I still want more.

Prior to the day, I am asking everyone to perform a random act of kindness. I know everyone performs countless acts of kindness on a daily basis in spite of our hectic lives. Most such acts we just sort of stumble upon, perform and carry on without a second thought. This is wonderful.

What I am asking is for everyone to specifically look for and then perform just one more. For whom the act is performed doesn’t matter, the size of or even what the act is doesn’t matter, tha amount of time it may take doesn’t matter.

What matters most to me is that we carry in us an awareness of looking for opportunities to help another. Speaking for myself, I know I spent most of my life very self absorbed, so busy trying to get through my own day that I so often failed to even notice those around me. There is a wonderful world out there. We just need to see past our own little worlds to see this wonderful world around us. Contained within the hearts of people all around the world is so much love, so much kindness, it is beyond anything we could measure. The love the kindness is there we just have to find a way to put it to use. Love and kindness are like renewable resources, the amount available is unending, we just need to put it to use.

At the top of this page is a row of titles, each of these representing a different page I have set up to accompany this, the main blog. Please click on the one titled “A Post to Conclude (File:Belief)”.  Here I ask people to put 5 minutes a week into their busy schedules. Now I don’t care how busy your life is if you honestly feel you can’t fit in 5 minutes a week you are fooling yourself.

Why am I asking for these acts of kindness? There are 2 reasons. The first is obvious. You have lightened the load, brightened the day of the one you have helped. To me, just as importantly or even more importantly you have helped yourself.

How have you helped yourself? The acts of kindness I am asking for are ones that come from the heart. No reward or recognition is expected or wanted and will even be declined if offered. We leave that situation with such a warm glow in our hearts. We leave it knowing, I just did something, not because I had to, not because it was expected of me. I did it just because I was there and I wanted to, I am a good person. This warm glow in your heart is the nicest feeling you can have. It actually grows and increases with each successive act. I grow inside as a person as I come to realize I am a good person. Please give it a try.

Here we are I finally get to my last request.

While you are here visting, please leave me a short comment telling me what your act of kindness was. It will not be seen as you seeking recognition for your act. I will instead be seen as a further act of kindness. A further act of kindness first to the whole world. Reading of what you did may spark and idea in someone else causing them to do the same thing or something similar. It may also lift the spirits of many causing them to realize, kindness is real, and it does exist in this world. This world of ours is not just the doom and gloom we are generally bombarded with in the news. Good people are out there and I want to be one of them. I want to do my bit to make this world a kinder and better place.

Lastly, I ask that you leave me these comments for myself I realize it is selfish of me to ask for something for myself. I would consider reading these comments as an act of kindness. Just to let me know I am doing some good with all of this.

Have a Good Day